Who’s the Idiot Now, B.?

I’ll admit.  In general, I think my cats are stupid.  One of them pees in the dryer when he can and the other one likes to squoosh herself down between the back of the bookshelf and the window on the hottest days of the year and bake herself like a tiny cat-sized cake.

Sometimes, they appear to like to be petted, but often those times are followed by them turning on you and biting you, so maybe they didn’t want you to touch them after all.

Sometimes, they’ll sit at their half-filled food bowl and meow like it’s empty for as long as it take while you’re trying to watch a very insightful* episode of Dirty Jobs until you’re so annoyed that you come out, put more food in their bowl, still not good enough, go back out and put more in their bowl so that some falls on the floor where they promptly jump down, try to eat it, and end up having to run away from the dog who believes that everything on the floor is hers.

And one of them likes to wait until you fall asleep on the couch so that she can sit on your head and lick your forehead.

I’m just saying, these are not animals that seem to have a whole lot of sense or who understand cause and effect the same way the rest of us do.

And yet, they’ve learned to meow at the front door when they want to come back in.



*You know, one where dude has his shirt off.

10 thoughts on “Who’s the Idiot Now, B.?

  1. My kid’s cat has tried to train the apes to dump food every time one of us comes into the kitchen, but we’re too stupid to figure out voice commands. You’re doing better with answering the door on command, apparently.

  2. We practice the full bowl method of pet feeding, which has given every vet we’ve ever had fits. They all are convinced that you should feed your pet a set amount once or twice a day. We fill the bowls whenever we notice they’re empty.Contrary to what the vets told us would happen, no one’s fat and no one sits in the kitchen just gorging themselves.When you first get a pet, they do eat a lot. But once they figure out that food is always available, they even themselves out and just eat what they need.Though, as shown, the cats sometimes try to get picky about where all their food is left.

  3. Dirty Jobs is FANTASTIC! My favorite episode is the one where Mike has to herd ostriches. I could watch that every day and never get tired of it!

  4. I forgot to add that I can totally relate to this, because we have one cat who is addicted to yogurt, one cat who eats rope, and one cat who spends hours every day attacking the aliens that apparently live in one of our bathroom walls.

  5. I had a cat once who was waaaay smarter than he needed to be. He had different meows for "give me food," "give me water," "trail pieces of yarn on the floor before me," "let me out," and "let me in." Of course, if he’d been as smart as a human he would have realized that he didn’t need a special meow for "let me in," because any old meow pronounced while standing outside the front door would have served.

  6. <i>Sometimes, they appear to like to be petted, but often those times are followed by them turning on you and biting you, so maybe they didn’t want you to touch them after all.</i>Kitties show affection through these nips — they only do it after sustained, blissful petting, right?.

  7. My cats like to lick plastic grocery bags. The one cat acts more like a dog than any cat I’ve ever seen.They are prone to take dumps/pees on the bath mat.They drive me insane.

  8. another dooce.com voyeur…does anyone have cat who loves coffee? I have one who comes around and asks for some everytime I have a hot cup of joe. It has to be piping hot. It must be black (no cream, no sugar). She drinks some… then gets goofy.that’s a siamese mix for ya…I’m bookmarking your site//cheers,snoozie

  9. Siamese are a whole other kind of animal. My parents’ Siamese chases my dog.Oh, Smiff. The peeing on the bathmat thing. I hate that.Whenever I see some well-meaning person advocate keeping cats indoors, all I can think is that their cats must not be as evil as mine. If we kept the orange cat inside when he wanted to be out, we’d smell like cat pee all the time. Dude is vindictive.

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