Dear Mr. Kleinheider,
Regarding your post, Guard Your Carnal Treasure, I write to inform you that the 1950s are over. As this is the case, the definition of "virtue" has returned to "moral excellence or righteousness; goodness" and "Treasure" is just "stored wealth" or "valuable or precious possessions of any kind." We no longer use "treasure" to refer to a woman’s hymen. Trying to preserve one’s hymen, even if one refrains from having sex, would mean a lot of laying around–no running, riding bikes, falling off things, doing strenuous exercises, using tampons, or merely, in some cases, just growing up.
Perhaps you aren’t using "treasure" to mean a woman’s hymen. Perhaps her carnal treasure is merely her current state of disempenisedness (assuming all of your readers are reading while not also engaging in sex; happily, we cannot assume the same about my readers). I am concerned, Mr. Kleinheider, that you may be discombobulated by the thought of all those empenised vaginas out there, carnal treasures besmirched by… well, by penises, obviously.
Now, I am willing to come sit on your couch and do nothing while you check every half an hour or so to make sure that no wayward penises have made their way into my vagina, but you’ll have to check and make sure that your boss is okay with you working at home for the duration. Women in my family tend to live into their late eighties, early nineties, so you’ll need to be prepared for a good fifty or sixty more years of vagina tending. Considering that you wouldn’t even go to lunch with me on my birthday, I think we both know that the chances of you volunteering to sit around and protect my "carnal treasure" are slim to none.
Too bad, really.
If I had fifty or sixty years alone with you in a small room, I could teach you a thing or two about women.
Here is the first thing I would teach you: We like sex too.
The whole "you take us to dinner or to the movies or to the local Pat Buchanan lecture in order to bribe us into letting you fuck us" is a social construct. We only acted that way because we didn’t want you to think we were whores.
But, now that we know that you think we are?
However, most women are not straight up whores. You cannot simply offer cash or gifts for sex. You can’t state it like that. So, you take them to interesting and/or exciting places. You wine them and dine them.
You create a pleasing atmosphere and experience so when the time comes to take what you want the woman will give it up. A lot of women will never respond to this ruse and a lot of women will straight up take the cash for sex but most are somewhere in between.
[Shorter Kleinheider: We’ve established you’re a whore. Now we’re just negotiating.]
Well, fuck it.
Take your pants off, Carter. I’ll pretend to be "giving it up," if you pretend to not care that I like it.
p.s. I know one lesson a day is probably more than enough, but I would be remiss if I didn’t point out that, at the core of your world-view is the idea that you are yucky. That you are so yucky that a woman wouldn’t willingly have sex with you; she has to be bribed into it with things. That you are so yucky that, if your penis touches a woman, it contaminates her with your filth.
Kleinheider, obviously, I’m teasing about most everything else. I am not teasing about this: your fucked up notions of gender hurt you. And that breaks my heart. I know you think people are, in general, vile. Fine. We’re vile. We all suck the suck of an eternity of suckiness.
But we’re sometimes better than that. Sometimes, we can be deeply compassionate, deeply joyful, and deeply loving. I’ll admit, those times can be rare. But if you never prepare a place in your own self for goodness and hope to live, no one else’s good stuff can ever come into your heart to visit.
It’s not my business how you live, but I still wish you thought better of yourself.