I try to take small steps on the road to non-fucked-up-ness. Possibly, this means that I will never actually achieve non-fucked-up-ness. This is fine. I’m merely attempting to reach, “Easy for me to live with.”
I think the biggest step I took on this path was going to the bank this time last year and consolidating all of my credit card debt into one big pile of debt and one tiny pile of debt. The tiny pile of debt will be paid off this month, which mean that next month I can take the money that was going to the tiny pile of debt and put it towards the big pile of debt on top of the money that is already earmarked for it.
This feels like such a grown-up thing to do that I fear I’ve overlooked something important and it’s really going to turn out that I also owe $2500 to the Russian mob, which they’re going to make me pay off by scooping horse shit on some farm down in Williamson County.
Anyway, so I have my “fear of never getting out from under mound of crippling high-interest rate debt” managed. I am going to get out from under it, if I stick to my plan.
Another paralyzing fear I have is that our landlord will not want to renew our lease and we will be forced to move. Writing it out like that makes it seem like a stupid fear. We pay our rent on time and without complaint every month. We take care of our own issues, so we don’t trouble him with stuff to do. And, though the place is messy, it’s not filled with bugs or rats or other vermin. Why would he not renew our lease?
And, if he doesn’t, I’ve been putting money in savings every month so that we have money to move on, and I’m cruelly not letting the Butcher make any birthday travel plans until I know if we’re going to need that money, too.
The moving thing is just a hang-up I have. It’s hugely traumatic for me and I just can’t stand it. I want to live in this place until I can afford to buy a place and then I want to live in that house for the next million years. I don’t want to move from Nashville. I don’t even want to move from this neighborhood. I want to put down roots. I want to make friends and know that we will be friends until we just naturally drift apart. I want to know the people in my neighborhood and know that they know me. I want to be recognized at the grocery store because I go in there so often, not because folks have been gossiping about me.
I want to have a hometown.
I want this to be it.
If the landlord wants us to move, it doesn’t actually affect all that other stuff, but in my mind, they are so closely linked that moving one causes the whole rest of the mess to shift.
But this year, I’m not going to get freaked out about it. I will allow myself to be unreasonably nervous, but I’m not going to be paralyzed with fear.
That’s my goal.