The Saddest Woman on the Internet

Y’all, I am eating the best cookies.  Chocolate chip with pecans.

Yes, pecans.  


 They are so good that I have half a mind to make up a batch and send them, along with a Rabbit, to the saddest woman on the internet.

Who is this woman?

It’s very tragic.  She’s married to an exceptionally handsome man.  I don’t say that lightly.  Even Sarcastro will admit that this guy is good looking and Sarcastro is so straight that, when he was in the army, gay soldiers would stand near him in order to confuse the dogs trained to sniff out homosexuals and boot them from the service.

This man is so good looking that the first time I met him, I had a moment’s hesitation when he walked towards me, that this was some elaborate joke and that he was an actor hired to portray the crazy libertarian who would be taking me to dinner.

Fine, fine gentleman.


And you knew this was coming.

 …he can’t keep his back in order.  Which means that his poor wife is in a pitiful hell–faced with a hot husband too fragile to properly fuck.

You can see how my heart goes out to her.  I almost think we should take some kind of collection*.




*Ha, that’s some vestigial Midwestern Protestantism right there folks. “There’s a problem!  Let’s take a collection!”  Which reminds me of an old joke about Methodists–Where two or more Methodists are gathered in His name, there will there be a collection taken. 

12 thoughts on “The Saddest Woman on the Internet

  1. While I’m sorry for her plight, for a moment I thought you meant he couldn’t get off his back, as in he was screwing around. I know the term usually applies to females, but it could happen.I had a good giggle, anyhow.

  2. He doesn’t have a mullet now, Plimco. Fine, maybe he’s not your type. He’s certainly not my type.But that doesn’t mean that he’s not objectively good looking.

  3. So if the saddest woman on the internets had a sister-wife to share her sorrow, would she not be quite so sad?

  4. I guess it depends on how close the sister-wives were. But potentially, the Wayward Boy Scout could get him another wife, to pinch hit for him when his back is out.

  5. Forget sister wives. What this woman needs is a second husband. Or third. Why can’t we have those? Each one could have his own strength. The car guy. The handyman. The sensitive guy. The one who’s good with money. The gay one.

  6. Come join us in the other thread, upcoming-Birthday-girl, in which I’m proposing to marry the 1988 Chicago Cubs.

  7. Yes, I am the saddest woman on the internet. Exador just showed me these posts. I sincerely thank you for your kind words. I’ll get thru somehow. Just praying he will be ok by this weekend. TGIF.I have a fit every time he tries to pick something up or bend in a way that I don’t feel is appropriate for back healing.I told him that if he hurts his back, it had better be MY FAULT. Mrs. Schwartz

  8. Mrs. Schwartz! Hurray! I am honored that you’ve appeared at Tiny Cat Pants in person. I hope you’ll stop back by.And, also, if you need help looking for an additional husband, you just let me know. It’s polyamory week here at the old blog, so I could hook you up.

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