Conservatives, I Have a Question for You

I know I am 99% of the time nothing but a snark machine when it comes to all things conservative.  But I do love having you around because when I have serious questions, I can just ask and there you are.

So, today, here is my question.  Islamofascism.  What the fuck?  Seriously, you do get that the Islamic terrorists who are hell bent on making our lives miserable are not acting on behalf of a specific government, right (even if specific governments clearly enjoy egging them on)?  And you do also get that their end goal is not to conquer us and convert us to Islam, but to make us as miserable as possible, hopefully destroying us in the end, right?  Fascism implies a political ideology when this seems to be a religious war.  Y’all get that, right?

Okay, here’s my question, and I mean this in all seriousness, because I don’t understand it.  Except for being a difference of degree and dominant religion how are the goals of these conservative Muslims all that different than the goals of conservative Christians?  If conservative Christians could impose their will on the United States, in what ways would that differ dramatically from what conservative Muslims want? 

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Knock on Wood

August is over and unless something catastrophic happened to the Butcher between 7 p.m. and midnight, this has been the first August in as long as I can remember that something terrible has not happened to him.

I’m a firm believer that a person can just be unlucky, that they can be doing the same shit everyone else does except they’re the person who gets caught or that they can be doing the same shit they always do and, if they do it in August, it’s going to nail them.

The Butcher has always been unlucky in August.

Until now.  Presuming he’s not hiding anything from me.

Maybe his luck has changed.

That’d be nice.

What Would a White Guy Do?

It’s hard for me, as a white girl, to sometimes understand what’s going on in the heads of white men. 


Are they super-dooper ass-kicking motherfuckers whose love of guns, mocking of feminists, pleasure in fucking, and embodiment of conservative ideals is undermined only by their bad backs?  Are they bad-ass entrepreneurs with rockstar good looks and a deep abiding love for their children waylaid only by their bad backs?  Are they unafraid of anything, even buying condoms from their third-grade teacher?


Or are they such delicate flowers that the mere sight of vehement anti-war protesters sends them to the fainting couch?


You know, the ‘delicate flower in regular need of a fainting couch’ would explain why all these white guys are running around throwing out their backs.  They’ve got a heavy piece of furniture they need with them at all times…


Who knows?  I know a lot of white guys and I must say, I’ve never discerned any kind of general consensus about how the world works.  But I could be wrong.


Maybe white men ARE one monolithic entity with easily discernable thoughts and opinions and maybe they all ARE delicate flowers who need to have their feelings constantly considered and validated even by total strangers.  The world must be a scary place indeed for the white men who cannot, when confronted with “ageing hippies and obnoxious college students,” form their own opinions but must immediately and knee-jerkedly flee from whatever common ground they might hold with said aging hippies and obnoxious college students.


This explains Kleinheider’s obvious discomfort with the ways that aging hippies and obnoxious college students choose to protest Bush:



Protest, sure. Take to the streets but conduct yourself like civilized human beings. You are accomplishing nothing with this. What do think your average white man, conservative or independent, who is starting to question the war sees when he looks at those pictures.


Oh, yes, heaven forbid protesters act uncivilized.  We might frighten the average white guy!  I’m sorry.  On the one hand, this is just too funny.  On the other hand, shoot, I feel like we need to have some kind of intervention for Kleinheider.  Here’s a guy who’s got to be, what? 6’2″, 6’3″  Two hundred, two twenty five.  He’s not a dude who’s getting pushed around at bars is what I’m saying and yet he’s all timid about aging hippies and college kids.


Well, fuck me, Carter.  What are you so afraid of?  I think you could take them in a fight.  Do you really want the whole country to sit around and ponder every day “How can I live in such a way that the ‘average white guy’ will be least uncomfortable?” 


I know you’re probably never going to get why that’s so amazingly insulting to everyone who’s not an average white guy, but please, please just for one second concede that it’s so deeply insulting to white guys that you’re not surprised to learn that it made me laugh so hard tears came to my eyes.


Shoot, Carter, if you average white guys want the whole world to suck your dick every chance they get, y’all need to start acting like you deserve it.  “Oh, be nice to me because I’m a timid lamb out here alone in the world who just happens to run every fucking thing in said world and still has the majority of the wealth and can go into any country club in the land and runs the government and lots of other great stuff that I’m too frightened and stupid to even bother to enjoy” is not going to work for you.  Trust me.


It’s insulting to your fellow white men, who maybe don’t want to be portrayed as wishy-washy fearful sheep.  It’s insulting to the rest of us who know that you aren’t really sheep at all.  And it’s insulting to yourself.  Not to get all Hallmark on you, but if you want us to love you, you’ve got to learn to love yourself.