It’s Time to Discuss FAQ Question Number 27

27. You’re liberal, right? So why are you so hard on liberal men?

Because liberal men claim to be on my side.

I dread doing this, because I know it makes me seem like a humorless bitch, and with all the ways that feminists are typified as humorless bitches, I hate to add to the problem.

However, when something nags at you, you’ve got to poke around and see what the problem is.

I want to start with Stokely Carmichael, but the man’s dead, so what good does that do?  It’s just that he said what so many of us fear y’all (y’all being ‘liberal men’) are thinking but leaving unsaid.  It hangs out there, like an echo so loud and clear you can mistake it for a man’s speaking voice, even half a century later–"the only position for women…"

How often do we feel like we’re sitting right at a crucial moment in history, how often do we think "Now is our chance to DO something" only to find that the folks who always get to do don’t want us to do anything but lend our support, and keep our legs open, as some kind of rest stop where the folks who are busy changing the world can stretch and refresh before they get back to the real work?

The question progressive women are always asking is whether progressive men are going to make room so that we can do some shit, too, or if we’re still supposed to wait around looking pretty and doing some light typing until you need a quick fuck.

Are we really a part of the progressive movement or are we relegated to a "special interest"?

I mean, if you’re a lefty boy and you want to have a blog that is called "Joe’s Pink Taco Stand" that deals mostly with your exploits as you attempt to bed as many anarchist girls as you can, more power to you.  I don’t give a shit.

But, if you’re going to call you blog "Tennessee’s Progressive Report," then I’m going to read you with an eye as to how I fit into your plans for progressive politics in Tennessee. 

I’m accepting applications for a TPR Intern. You know, I need some eager college student who’ll work for free and I can treat like crap all in the name of learning what the "new media" is all about.

age 18-25
Photo identification required
Must be able to read… writing is a plus but not required
I don’t drink coffee, so bartending skills are a must
Must work well with others… or just me…
If you’ve been convicted of a crime, please explain…
If you’ve committed a crime, but didn’t get caught, even better…

Please note that all applicants will be subject to a drug test. Results will not affect employment, I just wanna know how fun you’ll be…

And well, there you go.

Sometimes serious, sometimes a joke, sometimes a joke made in all seriousness–Carmichael’s old saw still doing its work. 

Progressive men, I’m just at a loss.  Listen, I get that being criticized by the feminists is no fun, especially when you’re clearly doing more to advance women’s rights than the conservatives are, but enough already with the "Heh, heh, I’m going to get me a hot chick to ‘help’ with my work" jokes.  It wasn’t funny the first time; it’s not funny now.

And you’re needlessly alienating your allies. 

Abramson, I Will Never Forgive You For This

Dear Mr. Abramson,

I am so outraged at this latest turn of events, I cannot even bring myself to type your first name.   Here’s how things work here in America.  I make fun of Kleinheider; Kleinheider plots my gruesome demise (lately, I suspect he’s been planning to beat me to death with Pat Buchanan.  Just think about that.  Beat to death with Pat Buchanan.  That’s not going to be a fun way to go.  No.  That’s going to suck.  But I await that day knowing that my death at the hands of Buchanan at the hands of Kleinheider will have been for a good cause.). 

Why?  Because Kleinheider and I agree on very little.  Check out this actual* conversation from last night:

Me: Hey, Kleinheider.  I think there’s a rainbow.

Kleinheider: No, there’s not.

Me: Yeah, look over there.

Kleinheider: Is this some trick to get me to look at a Gay Pride Parade?

Me: No, there in the sky is a rainbow.

Kleinheider: I wouldn’t believe there was a rainbow in the sky if I could see it with my own eyes if you said there was one.

Me: But you can see it with your own eyes.

Kleinheider: Nice try, pervert.

Me: What?


And yet you have written a post (this one) which Kleinheider then responded to (here) with which I agree.  Yes, for the most part, I agree with Kleinheider in opposition to you.  Do you know what that does to a girl?  To find herself in agreement with Kleinheider?

Is this revenge for me picking on him so mercilessly last night?

Now I have to sit here and say, “Well, Abramson, actually, you are wrong and Kleinheider is right.”?  I have to say “Kleinheider is right”?!

Is there no justice in this world?  Good god.

Anyway, you make this claim so nonsensical that I had to lay down on the floor in order to recover from the ridiculousness of it:

 As a general rule, Americans do not hate rich people. Most Americans do
not look at a rich person and say “Well, what a rich a**hole! I hate
that guy!” Rather, most Americans look at a rich person and assume that
he or she must know what he or she is doing to have gotten so rich.

Oh, sweet, naive Abramson. Where to start?

First, let’s interview a poor person:

Me: Self, do you have an irrational hatred of rich people that you are often embarrassed about because it seems like such a lame and stupid irrational hatred to have?

Me: Yes.  But I’m trying to be better about it.

Then let us turn to that case-study in class relations, MTV.  Have you never heard of this incredibly popular show, My Super Sweet Sixteen? The whole point of said show is for poor people to watch it and mock, mock, mock the rich people portrayed on there.  The whole point is to look at those people and say “What an asshole, I hate that girl.”

Do Americans appreciate folks who pick themselves up by their bootstraps and make something of themselves?


Do we live in a country where most everyone assumes that such is the life story of most rich people?

No we don’t.

Why do you think it’s so incredibly important for rap artists to “keep it real.”  It’s important for them to prove to their audience that being rich hasn’t changed them, because if they are perceived as regular guys who did good, they will have record sales.  If they are perceived as rich, spoiled brats, they will not.

If you think there’s no class resentment in this country, you’ve lived a very lucky life to have missed out on it.

Yours Truly,

Aunt “Power to the People” B. 






*Of course, I mean “actual” in the Republican sense, in that it didn’t really happen, but it could have, thus proving that we are better off without habeas corpus

I’m Planning for Retirement

You know how, on those days when it’s really cold and rainy and you’ve been out because you had to walk the dog, and so you stop off at Starbuck’s and you order yourself a hot chocolate, and you take that first sip and you can feel the heat from it down your throat and spreading all across your body?

I realized last night, that’s kind of what it’s like to hear Knuck talk.  He could be talking about watching a baby eat wormy dog shit and you’d still listen because he’s got such a nice warm voice.

When I start my phone sex line, I’m totally hiring him. 

You Can’t Take Me Anywhere

There was a blogger meet-up tonight.  Asses were grabbed.  Men’s bathrooms were used.  Tits were felt.  Boob freckles were filmed.  Amandas were squeezed.  Conservative bloggers were informed how cute they were.  Watersports were discussed.  And Kleinheider’s “cell phone” was explained to famous internet folks I don’t really know.

Paul Chenoweth had the most awesome line of the night–“Someone must have been messing with your wiki”–which I was totally convinced I was going to forget and so did not, but I don’t remember what the context of it was, which actually is even worse than forgetting the line.

Anyway, good times.

Thanks to Coble for bringing me home.  Thanks to everyone else for putting up with me.