How to Tell If You’re An Ass Who Should Be Shot in the Kneecaps

If you are one of a couple who go to the park and do that “we love to exercise together” crap where you walk for a little bit, run for a little bit, walk for a little bit, etc. and then you bring your dogs with you and you don’t even bother to have leashes with you for them and you’re wandering around the park going “street, Street, STREET, STREET!!!! HEEL, Heel, heel” and everyone can see how your dogs are just wandering around near you but not actually listening because you know what?  Dogs have tiny brains and they are easily distracted by sounds and smells and, oh, I don’t know, the chick with the pitbull in front of you and so no matter how good your dogs might be, believe me, when something more interesting than you catches their attention, that’s what they’re focused on…

Well, if you’re those people and when I ask you to please, please restrain your dogs as you come by us, and you actually turn to me and go “What?” like I’m fucking imposing on YOU, and your idea of restraining your dogs is to keep saying “street, Street, STREET!!! HEEL, Heel, heel” as I have to haul my leashed dog over to the side of the road to get out of the way of your selfish assholy behavior, then you can be pretty sure that if I came upon you later and found your dogs licking at the bloody wounds where someone who has a gun and saw your unconscionable behavior and shot you in the kneecaps, I would laugh and say to myself “street, street, street, heel” as I and my leashed dog walked by.

8 thoughts on “How to Tell If You’re An Ass Who Should Be Shot in the Kneecaps

  1. You should teach Mrs. Wigglebottom to attack on the command "street! street! heel!" so you can look all innocuous as you let her do your evil bidding. Great partying with you last night!

  2. Kate, it was excellent. I loved meeting y’all.Ex, I thought you’d be happy to see that I am learning to see the benefits of bringing sidearms to the park.Sarcastro, I am certain these folks are the kind who put their dogs in bandanas, but, of course, since they were exercising, the dogs were not in bandanas at the moment.I have to say, I feel bad for their dogs, really. I mean, the dogs were all over the road just being dogs and people drive on that road and bike and the way the trees are and the road curves, you very often can’t hear cars until they’re almost right on top of you. Mrs. W. regularly gets startled by them.Letting your dogs wander off leash is not only rude to the other people at the park, but it’s a recipe for getting them hit.It’s a good thing most dogs can’t tell how stupid their owners are.

  3. If you met her, you would love her. She’s the kind of girl libertarians can’t resist–tough, cute, and sweet as hell.

  4. Likewise, if you are not smart enough to look before crossing the Busy, Busy Street at some random point instead of the crosswalk, and you are also not smart enough to leash your dog, and you let it run out into Busy, Busy Street ahead of you, you are not smart enough to be allowed outside. You should just order in all of your food and stay on the couch, for all of our sakes. Unfortunately, I doubt these were the same morons.

  5. This made me think of the movie Spanglish, when the lady is running and keeps yelling, "left! left!" so that everyone ahead of her would move out of her way and she could run unimpeded. No consideration for anybody else.

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