I Think I May Have Poisoned Myself

[Warning: Gross discussions of bodily functions and weird crap.]

I woke up at about two thirty this morning with what felt like the worst menstrual cramp I’ve ever felt, but not in the right place.  It was right where my left leg meets my torso.  I thought I was just sleeping on it funny, because I was laying in the exact position I’d fallen asleep in, and so I tried to roll over, but no good.

And then all of a sudden I realized I had better get to the bathroom.

I rush in.  I sit down and it’s like every muscle in my body spasms and, in a perfect world I would have thrown up and had the shits.

Y’all.  I felt so bad I was hoping something, anything, would come out of whatever end it could come out of.  But no, I’m just sitting there shaking and sweating and waiting and waiting.

I had this overwhelming desire to just lay in the tub, but I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to get back out before the Butcher had to go to work.  So I was like, I’ll just lay down on top of my covers for a little bit and if I can’t cool off, then I’ll come back in here and lay in the tub.

But, here’s where it’s weird. 

Once I stood up, once I had a plan, I felt a lot better.

So, I did lay down and finally, after a few minutes, I was cold (as I should have been, because it’s cool in here) and got under the covers and went to sleep.

The plan was that I’d just sleep until I woke up and, if I felt okay, go into work then (because I have a ton to do and can’t really miss a whole day).  But I woke up only a little later than I regularly do.

I feel kind of weak, so I didn’t walk the dog, and my sides are really sore, but other than that, I feel fine.

So, here is my wonder.  Yesterday was the last day I sat out.  I didn’t go outside, just up to my room.  And at some point, I realized the whole room was filled with smoke*, so I got up, opened the window, and turned on the fan.

And I ate some microwave popcorn whose age I’m unsure of.

Well, not at the same time.  I know of no religious practice that requires one to eat microwave popcorn, but who knows what the Discordians get up to?  Anyway, I wonder if the combo of filling myself up with smoke and then eating microwave popcorn didn’t inadvertently poison me?

It’s times like this when I think it’s lucky for everyone that I practice alone.



*It’s right about here when I am so embarrassed to admit this stuff out loud that I almost want to go back, delete this whole post, and pretend I’ve converted to Presbyterianism.

16 thoughts on “I Think I May Have Poisoned Myself

  1. What the heck caused the smoke? Any idea? Pay attention, if the pain comes back…maybe it’s your appendix. I’m not a doctor, and I don’t play one on TV, and I’ve never had an appendicitis, but um, maybe.

  2. J., my big old brain churning away, of course! No, me ill-advisedly trying to just get rid of all of the sage I hadn’t used from the past eight days.

  3. I wouldn’t think appendix, it’s usually on your right side…. although I think there are rare cases where it is on the left side. Since I have to hear about tons of poop problems(my parents have crohn’s and ulcerated colitis), I would guess it is from the popcorn and not the smoke…. Check out this website http://www.ccfa.org it has a lot of information about different poop issues. My guess would be something similar to diverticulitis. By the way, you should know that I haven’t become a doctor in the last year, but I do watch Discovery Health Channel just for fun!

  4. Not that I’m a doctor, but here’s another lame diagnosis.Ever had a kidney stone before? Are your sides still sore? Are you nauseous?Does it feel a bit better when you move around? Diverticulitis (as shug mentions) and kidney stones are the differential diagnoses for that type of pain. Check out http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Renal_colicand thishttp://www.wrongdiagnosis.com/r/renal_colic/intro.htmespecially if you continue to have that type of pain.

  5. Hey now! Let’s not have any scary stories about kidney stones or diverticulitis. And let’s not talk about the pain returning.Yuck.

  6. Malia, that tickles me! Thanks for the momly words of wisdom.Lee, that wasn’t my first thought–I was thinking "My god, if it turns out the Shill is going into labor right now, I’ll be freaked out for the rest of the year." But I haven’t heard anything from the Legal Eagle, so I’m just going to assume no baby yet.

  7. Ha ha ha. That would be… something.I’d have some fucking adorable kids, though. Bratty as all get-out, but cute as hell.

  8. don’t know how much popcorn you eat, but had a friend once who was having stomach problems and doctor took him off popcorn–something about popcorn’s abrasiveness cutting his innards–he quit the popcorn, no more problem

  9. See. That’s Mark R. working with me. Providing me with a non-gross explaination of things that’s not going to get worse.Thank you, Mark.

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