I Think I May Have Poisoned Myself

[Warning: Gross discussions of bodily functions and weird crap.]

I woke up at about two thirty this morning with what felt like the worst menstrual cramp I’ve ever felt, but not in the right place.  It was right where my left leg meets my torso.  I thought I was just sleeping on it funny, because I was laying in the exact position I’d fallen asleep in, and so I tried to roll over, but no good.

And then all of a sudden I realized I had better get to the bathroom.

I rush in.  I sit down and it’s like every muscle in my body spasms and, in a perfect world I would have thrown up and had the shits.

Y’all.  I felt so bad I was hoping something, anything, would come out of whatever end it could come out of.  But no, I’m just sitting there shaking and sweating and waiting and waiting.

I had this overwhelming desire to just lay in the tub, but I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to get back out before the Butcher had to go to work.  So I was like, I’ll just lay down on top of my covers for a little bit and if I can’t cool off, then I’ll come back in here and lay in the tub.

But, here’s where it’s weird. 

Once I stood up, once I had a plan, I felt a lot better.

So, I did lay down and finally, after a few minutes, I was cold (as I should have been, because it’s cool in here) and got under the covers and went to sleep.

The plan was that I’d just sleep until I woke up and, if I felt okay, go into work then (because I have a ton to do and can’t really miss a whole day).  But I woke up only a little later than I regularly do.

I feel kind of weak, so I didn’t walk the dog, and my sides are really sore, but other than that, I feel fine.

So, here is my wonder.  Yesterday was the last day I sat out.  I didn’t go outside, just up to my room.  And at some point, I realized the whole room was filled with smoke*, so I got up, opened the window, and turned on the fan.

And I ate some microwave popcorn whose age I’m unsure of.

Well, not at the same time.  I know of no religious practice that requires one to eat microwave popcorn, but who knows what the Discordians get up to?  Anyway, I wonder if the combo of filling myself up with smoke and then eating microwave popcorn didn’t inadvertently poison me?

It’s times like this when I think it’s lucky for everyone that I practice alone.

 

 

*It’s right about here when I am so embarrassed to admit this stuff out loud that I almost want to go back, delete this whole post, and pretend I’ve converted to Presbyterianism.