UC Irvine Can Suck My Butt!

I could not hate UC Irvine more if it were made of angry stinging bees.  Who the fuck designs a campus like that?  If he’s still alive, I have half a mind to hunt him down and run him over, though, I suppose, he could just hide in one of his many terrible buildings and be quite safe from me as I have no plans to ever return there.

First, the parking garage.  The elevator is connected to the parking garage by a thin strip of concrete surrounded on three sides by a “guard rail” of four flimsy metal bars.

Then, the fucking campus map looks like fucking Rorschach came up with it.  I got lost and was late to my first appointment (and was late because I was not about to get on that elevator and so had to walk down the whole fucking parking garage) which was in some other kind of monstrous monstrosity with a fucking “open air” hallway way four stories up.

Do you know what it’s like to come off the elevator and feel like you’re going to pass out and throw up and fall over all because fucking architecture and your own fucked up-ness conspire against you?

I hope not, but it fucking sucks.  And so I got there and I was all discombobulated because I didn’t have my equilibrium back yet.

Fine.  Whatever.

Then to get to my next appointment, I would have had to cross this tiny pedestrian bridge two stories up over a busy street and so finally I get to my building after taking the long-cut and the fucking elevator there is also in its own fucking tower way off away from the actual building connected to it by another open air platform.

So, I just took the stairs.

Fuck it.

But I did make the fucking mistake of taking the elevator back up to the top of the parking garage to get my car and I’ll be damned if I wasn’t fucking stuck in it.  Just stuck there like some fucking crazy person and I was all “Okay, get out of the damn elevator.  Move.” and then it started.  The dizzy feeling like the whole world was about to fall away.

So I took off my shoes.

See, this is crazy.  This is what crazy people do.  They do whacked out shit that makes no sense but for some reason feels like some kind of ritualized behavior that allows them to do whatever it is they need to do.

Well, so there you go.  I did it.  I took off my shoes in the grungy shitty elevator and stepped out onto the open platform between me and the fucking parking garage.  And I couldn’t hear and I thought I was going to throw up and the whole world started to tilt away from me and my head was filled with the sounds of crows cawing and I just really wanted more than anything to lay down and maybe roll to the car.

But I walked.  Somehow.  I was shaking so bad I nearly dropped my keys.

And now I’m sitting here crying to tell you about it.

I feel like a freak.  I am completely embarrassed and feel a little crazy about this.  I know it’s crazy.  It makes no sense and yet there it is.

Anyway, I hate that place.  Between that and the San Diego Convention Center, I do believe I’ve been through the landscape of my own personal hell.

It was cool to see crows up that close, though.

So there’s that. 

10 thoughts on “UC Irvine Can Suck My Butt!

  1. This sounds horrible. If I were in this position, I’d be looking for a bottle of lovely California wine and some great west coast fresh fruit and a big basket of hot bread. And a whole lot of "leave me the hell alone." I hope you feel better soon.My husband notes that you would not enjoy a trip to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. He’s got a mild fear of heights and the I.M. Pei floating multi-story escalators/open hallway design gave him the dizzies and nausea. There were some elevators, but navigating up and down the hallways were a white-knuckle experience.

  2. Oooo girl I walked all OVER that San Diego convention center last year and spent every night of that experience in the fetal position. Hurry home.

  3. I take it that wasn’t a very good experience? (Don’t you just love my grasp of the obvious?) Like RB said, hurry home. Nashville doesn’t treat you like that!

  4. Bridgett, I once went to a conference at the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. Though we were free to wander the museum, I just saw the elevator and the conference room and that was good enough for me. Yuck.I will be home tomorrow.The thing is that my meetings at Irvine went fine. It was just the architecture that defeated me.

  5. I just had to comment. I have an absurd fear of heights, standing on a chair can get to me some days, so why I thought the following would be a good idea, I’ll never know. About 10 years ago, I was in Vegas and wanted to go see the Grand Canyon. Silly me booked myself and my travelling partner on a "scenic flight" over the Canyon. We got to the airstrip and as we were standing in the check-in line I looked out the window behind the counter. I kept thinking, "that toy plane cannot be what we will be getting on, right?" We went up the line until there was one person in front of us and then I moved us to the back of the line. By this time, I was having a hard time breathing and felt very hot. By the time we got up to the counter, I couldn’t speak, just gasp for air and cry, a lot. I had a major panic attack right there in the middle of the airport. I could not get on that plane. Luckily for me, they did take pity on me and give me back my deposit and a ride back to our hotel. I never did get to see the Canyon. Your experience brought it all back to me. Hope you are feeling better. Kim

  6. It’s so nice to know that you a literate in "profanity". Why not expand your vocabulary and eschew the use of vulgarities.

  7. Your first sentence does not make sense as written and is mispunctuated. Your second sentence also is mispunctuated. Why not use grammar/spellcheck and eschew prissy subliterate anonymous putdowns?

  8. I travel to all the UC campuses for business, and I find that UCI has the most interesting, walkable campus among the system. I actually find it impossible to get lost there as every part of the main campus branches away from the large, round park in the middle.

    You’re definitely not a New Yorker. It’s shocking to hear you complain about using stairs and walking to get from one place to the next. I walk a ton in New York, and am glad to do so. You definitely see less fat people in this city.

  9. It’s shocking to hear you complain about using stairs and walking to get from one place to the next.

    Didn’t seem like THAT was the problem by my reading. The problem was multi-story high walkways with sheer drops on either side.

    For those of us phobic of heights (and I’m not as bad off as B but bad enough to relate), that makes for a rough time getting around.

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