If I Can Talk My Dad Into It

My Dad does this killer rendition of “House of the Rising Sun” in which he puts his guitar on his knee, strums furiously, and opens up his whole mouth and just belts out “There is a house in New Orleans they call the Rising Sun” and then, if you’re really lucky, he will do a solo while sticking his tongue out ever so slightly.

If I can get this on camera for y’all, I will.

I called to ask him how far away they lived from Peg so I could make plans with her to have lunch or something (Peg, let me know if you didn’t get my email) and he starts going on about the wedding shower I’m attending on Saturday.  “Didn’t that woman just have a baby?  Who tried to have a wedding shower two weeks after giving birth?”

“Dad, you’ve known both the SuperGenius and the Shill for over a decade.  They are not the same person.”

“They both live in the suburbs, don’t they?”

“Ah, yes, your logic is unimpeachable.  Everyone I know who lives in the suburbs is indeed the same person.”

“Which one is the SuperGenius?”

“Sarasponda, sarasponda, sarasponda, ret-set-set.”

“Ah, say, Pa say, O.  Sarasponda.  Of course.”

“Not the one I bought the Cavalier from, the other one.”

“I know, B.”

“Well, you didn’t know just a second ago.”

“Prove it.”

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Housework, The Update

I took the Butcher down to the Flying Saucer for beers and lunch.  I find drinking instead of doing housework is perhaps the best way to feel good about said housework.  From here on out, especially once I find a housework fetishist, every time I think about housework, I’m going to go grab a beer instead.

But, both bathrooms are cleaned, though not mopped.  So, that’s something.  And a load of dishes is in the dishwasher, which is also something.

So, I just have some straightening up in there to do and I’ll call it good.

Mrs. Wigglebottom is all distressed because both of her bowls are in the wash and lord knows, if she doesn’t have access to her food dish, she might starve to death.  I’m trying to comfort her by cuddling on the couch, but she’s busy looking forlorn. 

I decided to leave the putting together of the vacuum to the Butcher.  After all, he’s responsible for the carpeted areas of the house, which, I believe, technically makes the vacuum his responsibility as well. 

Seriously, Why Do I Not Know Any of These People who Get off on Doing Housework?

I’d like to take the dog to the park or spend the day working on the thing I promised to send to Plimco, or crocheting.  But if we’re sincerely leaving for Illinois on Friday, I’ve got to do a shitload of housework.  I mean a shitload.

Both bathrooms need to be cleaned.  The kitchen probably just needs to be burnt down and started over from scratch.  Everything needs to be vacuumed, which means that the new vacuum cleaner must be converted from its current state of ironing board/video camera stand, which means finding some place for all that shit.

There are only two of us.  How in the fuck are we so messy?

To see our house, you’d think we were coal mining artists who didn’t understand the concept of the dishwasher.  I feel unbearably grouchy already. 

Somewhere in America right now is a person sitting down at his or her blog typing “Damn it, there’s no housework for me to do.  All I have to do all day is crochet or write.  God damn, that pisses me off.”  I could make that person very happy if only we could find each other. 

So, You Want to Buy a Car

Lauren’s going to be sorry she asked for this stuff by the time I’m done.

Important Things to Know When Buying a Car

The most important thing I can tell you about buying a car is that the car dealer is not your friend and everything that happens to you from the moment you enter the car dealership is about keeping you off-balance enough to make a poor decision.

Before you go to the dealership, you should spend some time looking at car ads and reading Consumer’s Report so that you get a good feel for what kinds of cars are out there, both new and used.  Once you have a good idea what make, model, and year car you’re looking for, you should, if it’s a new car, try to get a good idea of what the dealer paid the manufacturer for it (the invoice price), which will be a couple of thousand dollars less than the MSRP (the price the manufacturer recommends the dealer charge you).  You can get this information from the Kelly Blue Book, which, happily, is on line here.

You should never pay the MSRP, and you probably aren’t going to get the dealer to go below the invoice price.  But that gives you a range for negotiations.  The dealer will have incentives to offer you to get you to buy a car.  Many of them will seem to be time sensitive.  Most of the time, that’s not that true.  They want you to feel pressured to make a deal, because they know if you feel pressure, you’re libel to make a mistake in your decision making.

But remember, they’re the ones that need to get cars off the lot before the new model year, not you.  And often times you can get great deals on card–new and used–right before the new model year ships, because dealers need space on their lots for the new cars and the cars people trade in to buy them.  Which reminds me, new or used, never buy a car that is the first year of its model (too many bugs yet to be worked out), nor the last year (the manufacturer has stopped caring about keeping that car’s technology up to date). 

Never tell them you have a trade-in until you have a final price set.  You should also know the Blue Book price of your car, so that you know if you’re getting a good deal on your trade-in. 

Never agree to buy a car the first time you go to a dealership.  Never.  No matter how awesome.  Once your heart is set on a specific car, your ability to negotiate decreases dramatically, because now you both have something to lose: you–the car you want, them–a sale.  For as long as possible, you want to be the person with the least to lose.

That first trip to the car dealership, you should test drive whatever car(s) strike your fancy.  But once you’ve settled on a car that you like, you should insist on test driving that specific car, not a car similar to it.  You want to drive the car you’re going to buy.

If you are shopping alone, make the salesperson get in the car and test the lights–running, brake, turn signals, headlights–while you are out of the car and can make sure they work.  Have him pop the trunk.  Can you get to the spare tire easily?  Can you get it out?  Look at the trunk design and your body type.  Can you get a flat tire back in that trunk?  Is the trunk roomy?

Look in the back seat.  Are all the seatbelts there?  Do they work?  Will they work with your car seat(s)?  Is there enough leg room for someone to actually sit back there?

Pop the hood.  Even if you have no idea what you’re looking for, you should fake it.  Check everything that looks like it might twist on and off to make sure the seals on the caps seem to be tight.  Insist on checking the oil, if the salesperson doesn’t do that in front of you.  Take the dipstick out, wipe it off, stick it back in, pull it out, and make sure the oil comes to the mark on the dipstick. Check the inside of the hood for black or coolant-colored marks (this would indicate previous overheating). Pop the cap to the radiator fluid reservoir and look for any oily residue floating on the top. Also look for rust — another bad sign.

When you’re in the car, you should test all the controls to make sure they’re where you want them and work how you expect them to do.  If you’re going to check the radio, now is the time to do it, because once you start to drive, you should drive in as much quiet as you can get.

 Pull out of your parking space.  Stop the car.  Get out.  Go check where the car has just been and make sure there are no fresh spots on the pavement.  There should be nothing black nor fluorescent.  If it’s warm, you might see some condensation from the air conditioner (if someone else has taken the car out recently), but that should only be water and running your finger through that quickly should let you know if that’s indeed what it is.

Do not buy a car that leaks.  If they can’t patch it up enough at the dealership to keep it from leaking, you’re going to struggle with that the whole time you have the car.

Once you’re driving the car, you want to listen to what the car is doing.  Is it making any weird noises?  If you are test driving an automatic transmission, you want to watch the RPMs and listen to what the car is doing.  Does the engine seem to be too loud or the RPMs get too high before the car shifts gear ratios?  An automatic transmission should move through the gears smoothly.  You can test this by getting on an entrance ramp to a freeway or a long stretch of open road and putting your foot on the gas peddle and pushing about halfway down.  Your experience as you speed up should be smooth and not clunky and the engine should not be particularly noisy.

When you are going around 60 miles an hour, take your hands off the wheel (not very far off!).  Does the car go in a straight line on its own or does it drift one way or another?  Slight drift indicates your tires need alignment.  Too much drift and you could be seeing evidence that something is bent. Okay, hands back on the wheel.

What happens when you brake?  Does the car begin to respond immediately?  Does it seem to pull to one side or another?  If you’re going 30 miles an hour and begin to gently apply the brakes, you should stop in less than a half a block.  If you slam on the brakes, you should stop in about a car length.

I believe you should take every car by your mechanic before you buy it, but this is especially true for a used car.  Do not buy a used car without running it by your mechanic first, even if your "mechanic" is just the sixteen year old kid on your block who likes to tinker with cars.  Get someone else to look at it.  Get a compression test–this is where they test the compression on the cylinders in your engine. If you don’t know a mechanic you trust, even a place like Firestone can do this cheaply and quickly, along with a battery of other tests for around $50.

Once you think you’ve found a car that fits your budget and your needs and works okay, you need to think about financing.  I don’t recommend financing with the dealership (though sometimes, depending on the financing deals, it’s worth it) because it’s not that much of a problem for them to get rid of a car that’s been repossessed.  They sell cars.  They get your money or they get your car back, either way, it’s not a problem for them.  But everyone else who gives you a car loan–the banks, credit unions, etc.–would much rather have your money than your car back.  In general, they’re much more willing to help you pay them at least something rather than take the car, if you should hit hard times.

 If you think there’s any chance that you might struggle to make payments at some point, don’t finance through the dealership.

Anything else, folks?