Stimulating the Mind

Important Things I’ve Learned by Looking at Centuries Old Porn

Silent reading can lead to sinful things like women masturbating or nuns looking at their genitals in the mirror.

The proper technique for masturbating while reading silently is to read until you are overcome with desire for yourself, swoon onto a big chair, with one hand, reach under your dress, with the other, casually drop your book on the ground, shut your eyes and lay back with a small, but cute smile on your face.  Ignore any distraught men standing nearby.

You, modern viewer, may not be able to tell if something naughty is happening in any given picture.  Check for a small dog.  For some reason, a small dog is an indication things of a sexual nature are happening in the picture.  Of course, if the small dog is licking the genitals of the woman swooning in her big chair with her book dropped casually to the ground, you’ll probably pick up on the sexual nature of the art without needing my help.

People in early porn seem much happier than people in contemporary porn.  “Shall I stick this bottle in your vagina, Sylvia?”  “What a delightful idea, Emma!”  “I could tell by your smile you might think so.”  Sometimes the person in the picture who is the stand-in for the viewer looks salacious or creepy, but the people on display look really happy.

A recurrent theme in antique porn seems to be drawings of men doing amazing feats of strength with their penises.  One man was carrying groceries.  Another was balancing an elaborate tea set.

Anyway, I’m just tickled by this idea that women reading silently to themselves cannot help but be so stimulated by the mental exertion that they must find physical relief.  That delights me. 

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9 thoughts on “Stimulating the Mind

  1. Happens to me all the time. Something about the vibration of the eyeball on the page…bouncing along…The quiet information coming…quietly…doot de doot de doo…oh my. If you’ll please excuse me for a moment, my dear Emma…

  2. Lessee … women reading silently leads to solitary sex and women reading aloud with men leads to mutual sex. If we can sell the general public on this concept, literacy rates will skyrocket, I tell you.

  3. No kidding! All we need are for the culturally conservative to come out against women reading until they’re married.

  4. And, what’s with the cutesy endings? Have you seen those, where the final frame is always something like the last move a group dance that included a lot of jazz hands?

  5. You, modern viewer, may not be able to tell if something naughty is happening in any given picture. Check for a small dog. For some reason, a small dog is an indication things of a sexual nature are happening in the picture.

    I forgot to say that the obverse of this, in medieval and early modern European painting, is that the modern reader may think that something naughty is happening when it isn’t. Pictures in which someone is touching a woman’s breast? We think "ooh la la" but they just meant "she’s pregnant." Sometimes it’s such a letdown.

  6. Like, they’ve just performed an amazing magic trick.I have to say, if it’s a man balancing a tea set with his penis, I think I might give up a round of applause for that. Or a woman masturbating in public, for that matter. Where exactly could one get one’s hands on antique pr0n?

  7. I suppose one could hope the person she’s having dinner with tomorrow will bring home a lot of work for the holidays.

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