Do you recall being a paleoconservative (which, as far as I can tell, means that you are a conservative who was born millions of years ago and has become crusty and covered in mud), while I flounce around the internet being all cute and right and stuff?
We have a system. You say things. I tell you how stupid they are. You get mad. I feel kind of bad, but then think about how you always refuse to come to lunch with Brittney and me and get over it. You probably write my latest outrageous act down in a little green notebook which you will hurl at me at some later date. I will cry. You’ll feel bad about making a girl cry, but then you’ll think of how obnoxious I am to you and get over it.
It’s not a perfect system, but it’s ours.
So, why do you have to fuck with it? Why do you have to write things that I completely agree with? That I find funny and snarky and delightful?
Those kinds of posts just make me sad that you never hang out with us and get drunk and show us how manly conservatives pee (which, from reading, I have discerned is the true sign of a conservative male–the insistence on his right to whip out his dick and urinate standing up, which, for some reason, the Swedes are trying to take from you). I have, on occasion, done the squat in the woods and try not to pee on your shoes bit, but if there’s some class in the manly art of peeing as insight into the conservative male mind, I’d be happy to take that course, even for no credit.
Whew, I’m sorry. I got distracted by the notion of being in a room full of conservative men all with their penises hanging out. Was there a point?
Let me think.
Ah, yes, it is this. When you are snarky and funny and right, it makes me delighted on the one hand, and sad on the other that you never come raising hell with us.
You’re young; life is short; don’t let an opportunity to gently lick a boob freckle pass you by.
At least, that’s what I always say.
p.s. Do you really think there’s a large contingent of Swedish women who don’t like it when men stand up to pee? Something about Rose’s story just reaks of something Snopes.com needs to look into, because, really, unless Swedish men are distance pee-ers with really bad aim, why would Swedish women care?
p.p.s. Wouldn’t distance peeing be an awesome Olympic sport? I bet it was an unofficial event back when the Olympics were naked.