Cats Are Stupid


The first most important thing to realize when you own a cat is that there is no one in the whole world who gives a shit about your cat except you. If you can accept this, you’ll make everyone around you much happier.


That being said, we own two cats, who behave in ways completely indecipherable to me.


The tiny cat, for instance, lives on my bed. Occasionally she makes her way over to the window, but, if the whole world were my bed and the window, she would live happily, pulling out her butt hair in the winter, growing it back in the summer. Who knows why, but there you go.


But both she and the orange cat will sleep facing the wall or, in the orange cat’s case right now, the back of the couch.


We have a large dog whose favorite game is “Pounce on the Cats.” Wouldn’t it make more sense to sleep like some Mafia don–in a corner, with your back to the wall, so you can see who’s gunning for you?


Also, why is it that the cats regularly only make half-assed attempts to jump up onto the table to get their food? And then why do they stare at me like I’m the problem?


Science, I know I belittled your commitment to your stupid just-so stories about evolutionary psychology just the other day, and so maybe you’re a little put out with me and not open to suggestions, but really, where is the research into what cats are thinking?


That’s important, clearly, because that affects me.

12 thoughts on “Cats Are Stupid

  1. I think cats purposely put themselves in vulnerable positions. Our Zitty repeatedly decides to curl up next to JJ, then freaks out when he loses a fistful of fur. Maybe they have some sort of victim complex…

  2. That could be. I’ve noticed that the orange cat is always getting right where I can see him and stretching out in a way that makes it impossible for me to not want to rub his belly and then acting surprised and pissed off when I do. How can I help it? His belly is so soft and inviting.

  3. Yeah, yeah, but don’t you want to know about MY cat? When Bailey was alive, she (Bailey) would be lying there, sleeping or something, minding her own business and Jinx would always come up and swat her on the nose, or pounce on her, then hiss when Bailey would stand over her, Jinx flapping her skinny legs up at Bailey. Jinx was always the instigator. Dogs get a bad rap for being the bad guys in this scenario. This was how they played. I know she knew when Bailey died, as she was pretty lethargic and not herself for quite some time afterwards.Stop making me want to get another dog!

  4. The exposed cat belly is a test. The cat is saying I trust you so much I will expose my most vulnerable part to you. Unfortunately when we humans think "how cute!" and go to touch it we fail the test!!

  5. I don’t understand cats one little bit. We have two here and I never touch them and yell at them to get outta my way, yet, who do they both want to sleep near at night? Do they sense I don’t like them?

  6. One of my orange cats has decided, now that we have wood floors, that the Most Fun Game in the World is to lie on her back under the bed, put her paws up against the bottom of the bed, and push herself around in maniacal circles. While I’m sleeping. It makes a lot more noise than cat fur on wood should be capable of.

  7. Most of existance for cats divides pretty evenly: play, eat, sleep.Rolling over and showing belly to the humans – invitation to playwrestle.Staring at you like you are the problem – dominance games; see also, getting food by insisting, no matter what the clock says, that it is time to eat.Sleeping with back to the wall – Indicating pretty clearly to anyone speaking the same dialect of cat, "I am sleeping. Any being to disturb me will receive severe lacerations." Unfortunately, dogs do not speak this dialect of cat. Neither do most kittens.Cats also live in a universe that revolves around them. They are idealists to the extent that anything that fails to meet their expectations of the way life should be is severely doubted. Unless they are *my* little orange cat, in which case, they can be easily distracted by anything shi — ooh, shiny!

  8. Rachel, your cat should come visit mine.Shortly after getting my second cat, the cats developed a game. It’s called "Guess that noise". I’m positive I heard them shuffling cards one night, I just didn’t choose to get up and interrupt them.

  9. And then why do they stare at me like I’m the problem?Because you ARE, darling. You had the unmitigated gall to put their food where they actually had to expend energy to get it.Harry sometimes will sit in front of his freshly filled-and-fluffed dish and stare at it, then stare at me. And when I say, "What? WHAT?!", he sighs, shrugs and begins to snarf.I think there’s a class in Messing with People’s Heads that kittens are required to take, usually about the time they become teen-agers and the cute begins to wear off.

  10. Mine do that too, grandefille. They like an audience, is my conclusion. I can only assume that they are under the delusion that they are Great and Mighty Hunters, and the audience is their admiring pride. The fact that they more closely resemble Great and Mighty Eaters, and the audience frequently gets distracted and steps on their tails hasn’t deterred them in the slightest.

  11. Actually, it turns out that all the other cat people also care about your cats.Really, I enjoy a little closely observed slice of anyone else’s pleasures, even when it’s something that doesn’t interest me at all. I love how you write about your freckles, too.

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