Is dominatrixing technically considered sex work? Wouldn’t that be ironic, if I went into a line of work that required me to have to advertise in the Scene? Shoot, I might have to send Tracy Moore some McDonald’s coupons as a make-up gift.
Anyway, I was thinking that being a dominatrix that catered specifically to conservatives might actually be a hoot. "Ned Williams" could call me up and be all "Oh, Aunt B., you’re so randy. But have you taken a look at my giant picture of a 16 week old fetus?!" and I could tie him to a chair, climb up on it, set my ample butt right on his head, put one stiletto heel in each thigh and rest my hands on the chair back.
I would mull over my answer as I felt him squirming beneath me and then after a while, I would open my eyes, and say "’Ned,’ if that is indeed your real name, I’m going to ask you a question and I want you to think carefully about it. Do you think women are stupid or evil or both?"
Or imagine me with Bill Hobbs. I’d throw him in my bathtub and stand up on the side of the tub, wearing a fabulously elaborate Mardi Gras costume, and while singing songs that remind me of New Orleans, I’d slowly start the tub to filling, while I dropped colored beads and toy school busses on him. You know I’d be taunting him with threats of federalization.
And Kleinheider? Why I’d insist that he take me to lunch, perhaps on down to O’Charley’s, and while I sat across from him seductively, somewhat absentmindedly stroking my boob freckle, I’d require him to eat. Then, I would put him across my lap and spank him until he admitted that wasn’t his phone in his pocket.
Granted, there’d be some conservatives I’d have to deny my services to. Blake and Krumm? You two are right off the list. Blake would just do his cute little eye roll thing and I’d start to smile and laugh and I’d be unable to maintain the bad-ass decorum necessary to do my job well. Same with Krumm and his infectious smile.
But shoot, if I could only get my hands on Stacey Campfield or Bill Frist or Karl Rove…
Tiny Cat Pants 
Sigh. It sucks to be a wallflower.
Ha, I love this idea, Aunt B!
I still think it’s weird to put Blake and Krumm in the same category as Ned and Rove.
Frist doesn’t strike me as a guy with much imaginative life. I don’t know what fantasies you could enact for him, unless they involved torturing cats. Any of the others, sure.
What is it going to take to get you to smack my ass?
Slartibartfast, can I just say how much I love that you’re complaining about not being included? I find that very charming.Coble, I believe if you read closely, you’ll see that I admit to being unable to include Blake and Krumm in with those other guys, hence the reason I could not be their dominatrix.Frist has nervous eyes. I think he can be bossed around and that would be fun for me. Ha, come to think of it, I think that’s why he’d make a poor president; he looks like he can be bossed around by the likes of me.TV, have you become a Hobbsian conservative?
Coble, I believe if you read closely, you’ll see that I admit to being unable to include Blake and Krumm in with those other guys, hence the reason I could not be their dominatrix.I did read closely. What I meant was that the general title of "conservative" doesn’t seem to fit so uniformly anymore. I was more having a continued conversation with my ownself.
I think that I’m becoming a left-leaning Libertarian, but not the spooky Glen Dean-kind of "libertarian," which is really a faux brand of libertarianism that masks his allegiance to Republicans. That being said, I hope you never lower your voice.
Well, that’s the trouble with big tent conservatism. I want to pick on the Hobbs, Williams, Kleinheider strain–those being the conservatives that most regularly cause me to stare at my computer screen gape-mouthed in shock and horror. And the Slatibartfest, who rarely if ever causes me such pain, wants in on the fun.And other folks have to be weeded out.So, yes, I agree. Conservative, as a term, is applied to too many people to give folks an accurate idea of the men who would most benefit from my services.
TV, part of their humiliation will be being bossed around by someone with a cute little voice like mine. I’m not going to lower it just so they feel better about the orders it gives, that’s for sure.
Betsy,You can keep your ample butt to yourself. And isn’t an unwanted dominatrix a rapist?
See, that’s a drawback to this plan, B. You’d have to work with humorless pricks like Ned who don’t know the difference between irony and coincidence.
Or apparently fantasy and reality. No worries, "Ned." I was just daydreaming.
Check out Ned’s post where he states "men guilty of statutory rape or incest are certainly big supporters of "abortion rights" and "Pro-Choicers". Yes, he needs to be flogged a little.
So is Ned his real name or not? I’m confused.
I assume it’s his real name, but he runs around calling me "Aunt B." like I’m not really an aunt or often called B. and so I call him "Ned" like he might be faking it.
It sounds like a made-up name to me.
I think it’s his real name.Ned, you’re jumping to conclusions. No rape here. You guys just need to establish a "safe word." Then it’s just playtime.Or so I hear.
Roger, you are so awesome. I can’t believe we ever fought. What a fool I was!
Right back at you, B.I think my safe word would be "invisible hand." Double-entendres kick ass.
My safe word is gonna be "Dakota Fanning".
I think Terry Frank already took that.