Baby B.

I just want to warn you that when you see how cute I was as an infant, you’re going to feel an uncontrollable desire to have babies with me.

Okay, go ahead and take a look.


Why Would Anybody Invent This?

The Butcher bought Mrs. Wigglebottom this toy, which, as you can see, is a rope with a knot at one end. I guess in a perfect world, the dog is supposed to grab ahold of the knot and pull while you grab ahold of the other end and pull, thus leading to hours of fun and enchantment for the whole family.


My dog, however, grabs the rope above the ball and uses her whole upper body to yank on the rope, thus sending that knot into my knee and leg.

Worse yet, America, even though I knew it was going to bruise me like a motherfucker after it hit me square in the knee, I still continued to play with her until she conked me in the leg hard enough to bring tears.

What kind of dumbass am I?


Spellcheck says “ahold” isn’t a word. Just like “forebearers” isn’t a word. That irritates me. It’s my language, damn it. Stretch to accommodate me!