Fish nor Fowl

I had lunch with Mack today.  It was nice and I had a good time, but I didn’t like it.

That’s not Mack’s fault–I adore him–, which is why I’m filing this under “Ways I’m Fucked Up.”  He asked me a question and it was a good one, hard to answer, and it’s left me feeling all day like he caught me with my skirt tucked into my pantyhose.   

I don’t know.  It’s stupid.  I probably shouldn’t bring it up, but I still feel upset about it, like I’m transparently… I don’t know what… something… I guess if I could call it something that would help.

But here it is.  I feel like  everyone can see that I’m [something I guess I hoped wasn’t obvious] and only Mack has had the courtesy to tell me.

But I can’t figure out how to articulate what that something is.  And that’s really upsetting me.

I don’t know.

Sheltered.  That’s almost right.  He just inadvertently reminded me that I was raised up to flourish in a way of life I’ve walked away from and I’m not above my raising.  And I don’t know why that’s upsetting to me, but it is. 

7 thoughts on “Fish nor Fowl

  1. Life is all about defining and redefining ourselves. I am 40 and still learning all about what I truly believe and why I believe it. I was just telling Hutchmo tonight about how I grew up in a certain mindset of teaching (extremely conservative, fundamentalist Baptist) and that through a series of life experiences and coming of age into my own beliefs, I have realized that I will always be in a state of change. That is not a bad thing, B. When you quit changing, you die. This is one of the things I treasure about blogging…learning about other points of view, and most of all learning about myself.Don’t sweat it, B…its a good thing…

  2. Now I’m forced to say that i don’t buy into the idea of being "above" a way of life. I’ve had the privelege of living all over the States, and i have met all kinds of people, rich, poor, world-travelers and hermits, and I don’t elevate any of them above another. i like to think i’m very non-judgemental. Perhaps I should re-think that….it may surface in the questions i ask…

  3. No, Mack. No. Now I feel really bad. I appreciate that you ask me questions that make me think.The reason I wrote about it at all is because it upset me and I was caught off guard by it upsetting me.I don’t think you intended to upset me at all. Nor do I think you think you’re better than me.I adore you. I’m just fucked up in some ways. This is one.

  4. Delurking to note that I know what you mean. Not sure what to do with the residual privilege and the awareness of privilege though, except admit the latter and use the former.

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