I Need a Stern Task Master

I got up early meaning to get into work early meaning to get some shit done.  But let me tell you, I’m not that far ahead of schedule.  It’s kind of depressing.

I just have a lot to do this week and I’ve made no headway into getting it done.

I’m feeling frazzled and bummed.

In a perfect world, someone would come and pack up my whole office, move me to a room with no distractions, and lock me in there until I got it done.

In this world, part of me is already wondering if I can find someone to go to lunch.

Gravel-Yeller

Courtesy of our friend and arch-nemesis, Carter, comes the story of a little state senate resolution.

I would just like to suggest that, if this passes, we move next year to have the following resolution introduced:

A RESOLUTION to request the commissioner of education to provide answers to questions concerning Bovinism and public school curriculums in Tennessee.

BE IT RESOLVED BY THE SENATE OF THE ONE HUNDRED FIFTH GENERAL ASSEMBLY OF THE STATE OF TENNESSEE, that the commissioner of the department of education, in consultation with any other persons whether within or without state government, is hereby respectfully requested by this body to respond to the following questions:

(1) Is the Universe and all that is within it, including human beings, the result of a giant being licked out of ice by a primordial Cow? Understand that this question does not ask that the Cow be given a name. To name the Cow is a matter of faith. The question simply asks whether the Universe has been formed from the body of a giant licked out of ice by the primordial Cow or has merely happened by random, unplanned, and purposeless occurrences. Further understand that this question asks that the latest advances in multiple scientific disciplines –such as physics, astronomy, molecular biology, DNA studies, physiology, paleontology, mathematics, and statistics – be considered, rather than relying solely on descriptive and hypothetical suppositions. If the answer to Question 1 is “Yes,” please answer Question 2:

(2) Since the Universe, including human beings, is the result of the licking of a Supreme Being (a Cow), why is Bovinism not taught in Tennessee public schools? If the answer to Question 1 is “This question cannot be proved or disproved,” please answer Question 3:

(3) Since it cannot be determined whether the Universe, including human beings, is the result of the licking of a Supreme Being (a Cow), why is Bovinism not taught as an alternative concept, explanation, or theory, along with the theory of evolution in Tennessee public schools? If the answer to Question 1 is “No” please accept the General Assembly’s admiration for being able to decide conclusively a question that has long perplexed and occupied the attention of scientists, philosophers, theologians, educators, and others.

As a heathen, it would warm my heart to know that kids were being taught another alternative to creationism and evolution–one that struck a happy medium between the total randomness of evolution (since Bovinism recognizes that the earth was created from the body of a giant) and the overdetermination of creationism (since that giant seems to have randomly grown from the energy found in the Ginnungagap).

I hope I can find a brave senator to support it.