A Longish Update

As you may have gathered from my drunken post on Monday, I had an enormous panic attack at UIC.  Crying, shaking, ridiculousness.  I wouldn’t mind them so much except they scare the shit out of me.  My brain is all “Everything’s fine, just (in this case) step off the elevator” but I have no control over my body, which would be fine if my body were just standing still, but it’s the having no control over your body and finding your body doing something you don’t want to do–like push the down button on the elevator instead of getting off–that terrifies me.

And I feel stupid when it happens.  So stupid and embarrassed.

But that’s why I love my friend M.  When she saw me, she hugged me and immediately asked what was wrong because I still was upset and shaking at five that afternoon.  We went to this wine bar/restaurant and had an awesome time.  She was just telling me how weird it is when she’s recognized in public (she’s an actor) when some guy who worked there was all like, “M.?  Oh my god.  Let me get you a drink!”

I told you most everything cool about yesterday.  Today was more of the same.  I’ve had a headache for two days and so I stopped off at Target to buy some hose and some acetaminophen, but by the time I got home, my headache was gone.  I took two anyway, just because I went to the effort.

I’m half tempted to call my dad and ask him what he’s having for dinner, but I won’t.

6 thoughts on “A Longish Update

  1. I have them too. About three years ago was the worst. I was unhappy in my job, in my personal life, and barely in the black with a rent check due.

    Clear and rationally, I knew I was cool. Physically, I felt like I was going into shock. Had no idea what the hell was wrong with me for a while. Almost led me to alcoholism. You have all my sympathy and support. Take care cutie.

  2. There’s no shame in panic attacks – I get mine over hosptials after my unfortunate medical incarceration the fall before last so when I had to go to the emergency room this fall for pneumonia/bronchitis even though my brain was like, hey, if something really bad besides the symptoms that brought me here is going down, at least I’m in the hosptial the rest of me was all, screw you brain, hello panic! That is to say, I totally identify with that no control over my body anxiety.

    Hang tough woman, even if it means you have to mock people in Cubs hats. :)

  3. I get panic attacks on occasion. Five years ago I got them on a daily basis. Now, just rarely. So I can relate. With me its mostly dentists and clowns now.

  4. ugh, I feel ya…I panic attacks on a regular basis in my year of hell, 1991. My theory on that was that I was trying to supress my stress by staying busy all the time and putting it all in the back of the drawer of my mind, and finally my body said, “Enough!”…so all of it started manifesting itself outwardly by the shaking, heart palpitations, crying, panic, etc…

    I’m lucky…I haven’t had one in a long time, but now I’m seeing it coming out in my daughter, so I just want y’all to know that I’m thinking good thoughts for ya.

  5. Sending good thoughts your way. Panic attacks suck, I used to get them on the bus ride to NYC when going to work at least once a week. As it turned out, I hated work. Go figure. I felt much better after I quit, that was such a nice day.

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