P.S.

I did learn that Terry Frank is not Stacey Campfield’s mom.  In fact, she is younger than Representative Campfield, who is thirty eight.

I Have Failed You

I met Stacey Campfield and his evilness sucked the life out of me.  I’m going to bed so I can get up and finish up Blogger Day on the Hill.  I think I’ll be able to live blog from Legislative Plaza tomorrow.  Maybe more about Campfield then.

Blogger Day on the Hill Eve, the Eve

Well, here we are at the state capitol.  Fittingly, we’re practically sitting on the window ledge, which is, I believe, the space they reserve for everyone who believes in the rights of women.

Kleinheider is sitting behind me stewing because he’s not in the press box.  Oh, breaking news, he claims he’s not stewing and that we should all be in the press box.

Adam Groves is surprisingly cute.  Clearly, he’s not sitting where he can read this.  Ha.

Mack is sitting next to me.  He knows every liberal media person in the place.

Stacey Campfield is right below me.  He’s typing away on his computer, but I can’t believe he has any better luck getting wireless service than I’ve had, so I suspect he’s playing a computer game.

If you had to guess what computer game Representative Campfield is playing, which of the following do you think is most likely?

1.  Leisure Suit Larry
2.  World of Warcraft
3.  The Sims, Conservative Male edition.

A Cub Scout troop has just arrived–Troop 231.  They, unfortunately, seem very well-behaved.  We’re pledging and praying yet again.

Adam Groves repeated waved to various house members who all seem delighted and a little in awe of him.  So far I have learned that he secretly the most powerful person in our section of the gallery.

The 4-Hers seem very disappointed to see that the rules of order have been suspended.  They have left.  No word if it’s in protest or not.

A couple of women sit behind Stacey Campfield.  Rep. Maggart and Lynn, Adam Groves informs me.  Folks, we need to start pressuring these two to throw things at him randomly.

Adam Groves knows everything.  Having him here is extremely handy.  I wonder if we can convert him… maybe not into a liberal, but at least into a trouble-maker.

Kleinheider is grouching about in back of me, yet again.  I wonder if I can talk Mack into giving me a quarter for every time Kleinheider shoots me a look like “Damn, fool, woman.”

The dude running the show sounds like a mule auctioneer.  We think it’s the clerk of the house.  I could listen to him all night.

Mack is bored.  I believe he’s turned to Boggle.  Kleinheider looks confused.  I can’t tell if it’s because of the legislation being discussed (leins on automobiles) or because Mack’s not playing The Sims, conservative Male Edition–the choice of all the cool kids here in the capitol.

Mack is now fighting with Kleinheider, who would rather be be anywhere else.  Here’s a sample discussion between the two of them.

Mack: I’m yanking your chain.
Kleinheider: Is he serious?
Me: He’s yanking your chain.
Mack: Hey, Groves, where do they keep the gold plaiting for the giant eagle over there?
Groves: It’s a little known fact that the Speaker keeps a tiny jar of gold leaf and will refresh the gold covering if needed.
Me: I’m an idiot.  I’m just blogging about who’s cute.
The Boys: Duh.

Kleinheider just informs me he recently graduated from Harvard and would like us all to refer to him as Dr. Tiny Pasture from here on out.  (That’s not true; I’m just making things up to bug him.)

Ooo, ooo the zoo alcohol vote.  I bet this one will have some controversy.

No, but Campfield voted against it.  Okay, I guess we can rule out him playing Zoo Tycoon.

Mack thinks Campfield is playing Call of Duty.

Campfield wants to know why folks would need social security numbers.  Apparently, he needs to know when every woman has any medical procedure, but heaven forbid anyone else get our personal information.  I feel torn about this.

Mack wants you to know that amendments are by voice vote.

Now, some folks are teasing some other dude.  And now we’re worried that illegal aliens hiding in our court documents.  More teasing.  And they’re teasing Briley some more.  And they passed the bill and the dude, who’s first bill it was, got a round of applause.  Check other blogs for actual facts, because I don’t have them.

Kara Watkins, who is very sweet, is wearing these incredibly painful-looking shoes and yet she’s been on her feet since we got here.  Also, clearly, they made these seats for people with much shorter legs than me because, seriously, if somebody were to sit in front of me and wiggle around just a little bit, I bet I’d have an orgasm.  Face the wrong way and I’m getting pregnant.

I think Briley has a kind of soothing, sexy voice.

I’m surprised by the amount of talking going on.  It kind of reminds me of a very noisy study hall.

Kleinheider yet again rolls his eyes at me.  I hope he has vision on his insurance policy because he’s probably going to sprain something in his socket(s).

Only Adam Groves knew which amendment gave women the vote.

Mack, I’ve decided would look striking in a red robe.  When he is king of Atzlan, I hope he considers a red velvet robe.  I wonder if he’ll grant Kleinheider guest worker status or if Adam will be forced to live undocumentedly in Murphreesboro, trying to keep alive the food and folkways of his people.

Well, If It’s For My Health…

Exador sent me a link to this story about how being equal to men is bad for women’s health.  Well, golly.

Clearly, we must immediately do away with feminism!

I have taken some steps.

1.  I’ve called all the major credit companies and listed myself as Exador’s wife on his accounts.  While he’s working hard, I’m out spending his money on high-heel fuck-me pumps.

2.  I’m giving Nathan Moore a quarter for every dollar I earn.

3.  I’m walking three steps behind Mack and kissing the ground every seven feet, in thankfulness that the Lord has seen fit to put such a man in my life.

4.  I will not look Kleinheider in the eye, but will demurely look down at my feet whenever I have to speak to him.

5.  I’m going to be a stay-at-home mom!  This will be the most difficult part, seeing as I don’t have kids.  I will have to break into Sarcastro’s house, find his kids, and stay at home with them.  Hopefully, if I play it right, it will be a few days before Mrs. Sarcastro notices that the kids aren’t going to school.

6.  I’m going to support all of Campfield’s legislation.  My little brain is too small to question his wisdom.

In fact, I declare today to be “Doing Without Feminism” Day.  Ladies, act like you don’t have any more than an eighth-grade education!  Some of you, pretend to be dead.  Act like you’ve been pregnant twenty times, but the kids you have are the only ones to survive infancy.  Encourage your spouse to beat you.  No matter who calls you on the phone, put them through to your husband.  Quit your job and mooch off your parents or your brother if you’re above 21 and not married.  If you do have to work, spend all day coming up with an appropriately female title for your job.  You’re not a teacher, you’re a teachress!

And, at the end of the day, come with me to Exador’s house, where we have a little ceremony (I’ll make the doilies!) and declare him King of the Patriarchy!

Come on, women–it’s the healthy thing to do!

Clearly My Phone is Trying to Tell Me Something

All right, technology geniuses.  I have a cell phone.  It’s one of those kind you have to flip open to answer.  When it’s shut, there’s a little screen that usually just flashes the time.  Sometimes, though, there’s an icon of an arrow pointing to a phone on there as well.

When I get just the phone icon, it means I’ve missed a call.

But sometimes, it just shows me the arrow pointing to the phone, and there’s no reason, as far as I can tell.  Is my phone recommending I call someone?

If so, who?

Blogger Day on the Hill Eve

Today is Blogger Day on the Hill Eve and so the festivities start this afternoon at about 4:30.

I need to email Kara Watkins and ask her if we can bring our laptops and, if so, if it’s possible to blog from the capitol.

If so, then I will bring you up to the minute hilarity as it occurs, presuming any does occur.  My goal for the event is to just lay eyes on Stacey Campfield.

Mack’s goal, though… I can’t say for certain.  When last I talked to him, he was plotting against Kleinheider, and designing the official t-shirt of the Aztlan East movement*. 

I’m not sure Blogger Day on the Hill, sponsored by Republicans, is the best time to announce your leftist revolution, but who am I to say?

*From the Manifesto: “WHEREAS Huitzilopochtli’s people already keep the Southeastern United States running and WHEREAS the indiginous peoples have been run off or rounded up and WHEREAS the threat of secession is so damn popular in this region; we hereby declare our intentions to take over the states that formerly made up the Confederacy with the intention of keeping them in sympathy with Mexico until a point when they can be turned over to the Mexican people for real.”