Bridgett sent me a story so lovely that, upon hearing it, I realized that this is probably the story of why Mrs. Wigglebottom got divorced.
See, a while ago, there were two dogs who were great friends, Jake Wigglebottom, a regular yellow dog, and Tiny Pastures, a German Shepherd. They liked many of the same things–lying, cheating, stealing, chasing women, and talking bad about charming feminist bloggers–and they got along swimmingly, except for when they were trying to cheat each other.
One day, Jake Wigglebottom came to Mrs. Wigglebottom and said, “I’m going to have my friend, Tiny, over for dinner. Woman, you make us up these two livers and some carrots and some dog treats.”
“Two livers?” asked Mrs. Wigglebottom. “Then what will I eat?”
“Eh, I don’t know,” said Mr. Wigglebottom. “I guess you can eat whatever Tiny and I don’t. Hey, you know, two livers may not be enough. Tiny sure loves to eat. I’m going to go out and hunt some ducks and see if I can’t bring home some more for us to feast on. You keep cooking and, when Tiny gets here, you make him feel welcome. But keep an eye on him or he’ll try to climb on top of you. That’s his favorite thing.”
As Mrs. Wigglebottom watched her husband trot off, she thought, “I know who else likes to mount every bitch he comes across–my good-for-nothing husband.”
Anyway, Mrs. Wigglebottom settled in to cook the livers and they smelled so delicious that she thought, “I could try a teensy bite. If I don’t eat it now, I’ll never get some, because they’ll eat the whole thing.” And so, she set out to eat a tiny bit and accidentally scarfed down both of them.
Yes, she ate both livers. And they were delicious!
“Shit,” she thought. “What will I do now?”
And just then, Tiny arrived.
“Where’s my good friend, Jake?” Tiny asked.
“Out,” said Mrs. Wigglebottom. “But he’ll be back soon. Sit here and rest a while.”
“Out, you say,” said Tiny, as he slipped his hand between her legs.
“He told me you’d try that,” said Mrs. Wigglebottom. “He told me not to let you.”
“But we’re such good friends,” Tiny said, as he scratched behind her ears and rubbed under her chin, “Surely he wouldn’t mind,” and soon he was way up, up inside her.
“Damn,” said Mrs. Wigglebottom. “That feels good, but hurry. He’s soon to be back for dinner.”
“Yum. What are we having?”
“Meat,” said Mrs. Wigglebottom thoughtfully.
“What kind?” Tiny asked.
“The same kind we serve all our guests–balls.”
“You know, testicles, balls. We serve our guests their balls.” And with that, Mrs. Wigglebottom picked up a sharp knife and began to chase Tiny around the kitchen.
“Are you mad?” he yelled.
“Hold still!” she cried. “It will only hurt for a second and you’ll like it, I promise.”
“Wait!” He hollered. “I meant to bring some beer. How rude of me to forget it! I’ll just run to the store!” And, like that, he ran out of the Wigglebottom house.
Just then, Jake returned from his hunting trip, empty handed. “Mrs. Wigglebottom,” he said, watching Tiny run off. “What’s gotten into that crazy friend of mine?”
“I don’t know,” said Mrs. Wigglebottom. “He just barged in, grabbed the livers, and ran off with them. It happened so suddenly I didn’t know what to do.”
“He’s got both livers?”
And, with that, a hungry Mr. Wigglebottom took off in pursuit.
“Tiny, Tiny! Wait!” he called. “Leave me one, just one. I’m begging you!”
“Jake, my man,” Tiny hollered back, “If you catch me, you can have them both!”
Ha, that tickles me. Needless to say, as the boys were running around the hillside, Mrs. Wigglebottom chose that moment to leave her marriage bed and the house of her husband and strike out on her own in the world. And hurray for that!
[See here for the original.]