Shorter Hair, Better Attitude?

I went back to the therapist and got my hair cut.  I think getting my hair cut probably did me more good.  It felt good anyway, to see the heaps of dead ends fall away and to feel lighter and less tangled.  The therapist, though, was less helpful.  Not that I hold it against her.  I was in a much better place today than I was last week and so I wasn’t weepy or anything.  I was myself and so we talked like adults and she had no good advice for me.

Or she had good advice for me but it wasn’t anything I hadn’t heard from you guys or come to on my own.  In other words, it wasn’t any different than I learned out sitting in Mack’s holler consorting with my dead folks–the way is clear.  My perception of the situation is accurate and my options are what I believe them to be.

So, you know, that makes me feel better.

Here’s my problem, as I see it: I don’t trust myself.  I don’t trust in my inherent awesomeness.  And so, even when I know the right course of action, I have a hard time trusting that it would be right for me.

Let me put it another way.  If a friend of mine had come to me a year ago in a similar state to me a year ago, I would have recommended that she change her situation and I would have felt confident, because of the awesomeness of my friends, in the rightness of that advice.

I can say it now, but I have got to learn to know it in my soul, that I deserve that same support and loyalty from myself.  I, too, am as awesome as the folks I know and love.  I am not your pity project.  And it’s insulting to everyone–to me and to you–when I entertain this notion that I suck and that folks only care about me out of pity.  Not only that, but it continually puts me in a position where I feel so compelled to prove to folks that I do deserve their respect.

That’s just stupid.

Ha, y’all, she cut a good eight inches off my hair.  I went to pull it all over my shoulder and there’s nothing to pull.

13 thoughts on “Shorter Hair, Better Attitude?

  1. B.,
    Long Hair, short hair, whatever.
    You are my friend, albeit through cyberspace, no matter what.
    as I am also going through transitions.
    Your self-awareness must be very strange sometimes, but the reason I relate is I go through it too, although maybe not so as exquisitely as you can convey in your writing here, your willingness to be so honest is quite liberating.
    Trusting ourselves is some hard damn shit, isn’t it?
    So, good for you and good for me, because I have a nifty safe place to come everyday.
    Can’t wait to see the hair. I’m sure it’s awesome.

  2. This is so weird. My hair is getting quite long. You wouldn’t believe the stares I get here in Corporate America.

    Both of us are changing our hair dramatically as a marker to greater changes going on in our lives.

    Are you sure we’re not related?

    Can’t wait to see the hair.

  3. Newscoma, you write the most delicious compliments. I wonder if there’s a business opportunity in that?

    Slarti, if we were related, the family reunions would suddenly be much more interesting.

  4. Pingback: For the Write Reason » Things that make me smile

  5. I think that most people have a hard time trusting themselves, especially when it comes to having to make a decision dealing with change. Change is scary and fear can be tough to deal with. But the strong ones pull through. Even as a total stranger, it’s apparent to me that you’re a strong gal, B.

  6. (Hi, Aunt B. I’m a longtime reader here…which is to say, about a year)

    There have been a few momentous occasions in my life which I marked with a dramatic change in the length of my hair. I went from mid-back to chin-length (about 8 inches) to mark going back to school, and then from that length to my current upswept anime-style hair (see my blog for photos) to mark the beginning of the end of a long term relationship. Interestingly, this hairstyle change thing is rather common among women I know when it comes to signifying transition.

    I still find it difficult, if not impossible, to trust my awesomeness, but having awesome hair does make a difference.

  7. Inwardeye — you do have some awesome awesome hair. As far as lesbian webcomic, does Jane’s World do it for you? (Yeah, Paige had some problems managing narrative when she was trying to do a daily, but now that she’s doing a larger format…well…anyhow, I think it’s pretty good and I’m hoping that Girl Twirl as a whole takes off…)

  8. Business opportunity???
    Damn, I hadn’t thought of that.
    Maybe I should put past this pro-blogger types and see if there is a market.

    Being that I’m seeking a new job this might be a cool alternative lifestyle for me.

    Incidentally, I meant it.

  9. This post stands by itself as a (very) short (very good) story. Not surprising given you’re the writing type, but did you consider it that way before you wrote it, or have you since as a tiny little literary bit? Given I had to endure an MA-level fiction course at Emerson, where the MFA in writing students are supposed to be among the most promising around, none of them could touch this (limited exposure to talent disclosure based on one/actually two classes, etc. and thanks for not flaming me with the Iowa Writers Workshop, et. al. crap fellow TCP readers/commenters…).

    Considering I was more on the “professional” publishing/writing side of the program and just had to suffer through trying to write creatively, I still got one of the only high grades in the course. I think they were low on incoming cash machines, I mean potential writers, that year yet I can say this because I was still exposed to the better (great? I don’t know – how’s it look on the NYT Bestseller List these days?) ones: you can write your arse off, B. Aside from anything else you discussed here, you’re a wordslinger of the finest sort, don’t doubt that.

    Circling around, every relationship I’ve ever had has been signified before the end or just after by a female haircut. What is up with the universality of that?!? :)

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