Before today, I only ever lost my nerve posting once. I was over at Blogger, still, and I wrote something and linked to Bitch PhD in that post. She wrote a post and linked back.
Before that, I had about 35 readers, all folks I knew and could pick up the phone and talk to. When she linked to me, 300 people came over to take a look. Three hundred might not be that many, but to me, it might as well have been a million, and I really respect Bitch PhD and her readers, so I, of course, wanted to seem like the kind of blogger who had witty and erudite things to say, someone worthy of them taking the time to read.
I couldn’t come up with anything. The hardest post I’ve ever written was that next post. I don’t remember what it was. I think it was just something light and stupid. But the point was to post something, just get something out, so as to not become paralyzed with fear.
I sometimes look back on stuff I write and think, “What the fuck, B.?” in a way that causes me to both cringe and laugh. But I like that feeling, like I’m writing something that is scary and daring and maybe unwise. It’s like walking a tightrope. Can I make it to the end? Are things secure enough? Do I trust myself enough?
Or will I fall? And will it hurt?
I blog to stake my claim in the world, to walk the outer edges of my intellectual property and mark my place in the world. Everything I write is first and foremost about me, about opening myself up in a way that announces my presence and marks my personal space.
Everything you read here is about how I see things, about my opinions, about how I navigate the world and how foolish or wicked or smart I feel.
This has been the second hardest post I’ve ever written. Today, I lost my nerve big time. In fact, I’m really only writing this just to push through that fear–that I can’t do this because the possibility of it being misunderstood or turned against me is so great that it outweighs the soul-saving value it has for me.
I don’t have anything more to say about that–just that I did fall and it did hurt, pretty bad, but I’m going to get up and brush myself off and get back on this thing. And I guess we’ll see how that goes.