Via Broadsheet, I found the Boston Phoenix‘s list of the 100 least sexy men of 2007. Being a man-hating lesbian feminist who hates all other women and only has sex with men so that I can abort their fetuses, oh, and a witch, because I hate Jesus, far be it from me to defend the men-folk from the Phoenix, but god damn.
They put James Gandolphini on their list at number 15.
Let’s just leave aside that moment in the Sopranos when Tony buys Carmela the fur coat and then spreads her and the coat out on their bed in such a manner as to make me long for a fur coat. If the folks at the Phoenix could watch that scene and remain untingled, I doubt their humanity.
No, instead, let’s address their complaint about Gandolphini: “Two words that came up again and again in talking to women about Gandolfini: nose breathing. Yuck.”
Sincerely. Nose breathing?
Come on! If you’re going to insult the man, at least insult him right. We all breath through our noses. You want to accuse him of being a “mouth breather.”
But more than that, what disturbs me about this list is the amount of men who are on it just because they’re fat, even though they claim that being on the list is about being ugly both physically and spiritually. Look at how they talk about Bill Richardson:
Chubby presidential candidate has repped the USA in negotiations with some of the world’s scariest and weirdest dictators. Which, unfortunately, leaves the triple-chinned hopeful with precious little time for the treadmill. Chances may improve if he stays hungry — or if he accidentally eats the rest of the Democratic field onstage during the first debate.
Or (and god help me I’m about to say something nice about Jimmy Kimmel) Jimmy Kimmel?
We always appreciated Sarah Silverman’s debased, masochistic sense of humor, but secretly suspected it was all just an act — at least until we found out she was dating a certain chubb-o late-night TV host. After an evening of screwing Kimmel, telling Holocaust jokes must seem like a walk in the park.
And yet, the picture they show of Kimmel shows an ordinary-sized man.
Listen, I know the argument for this shit is that we women have to put up with eight hundred thousand iterations of the one hundred sexiest women list all the time. But, god damn, if we know shit like that sucks, we should not turn around and do it to others.