Dear Carter Tiny Pasture,
It has come to my attention that there is a group of people in this country that has been, since the time of the founding of our country, a scourge upon our fair land.
Ben Franklin said of them, that they are”a Colony of Aliens, who will shortly be so numerous as to” ruin our country because they refuse to assimilate.
They don’t learn English (some of them have been here hundreds of years and still refuse to speak English-only. Ask Coble, who’s had her share of unfortunate run-ins with the more militant of them.). They’ve made it so, no matter what bar you go to, their beverage of choice is always available and usually the least expensive. They refuse to Anglicanize their names, so that when a good American has to, say, call them at work, she can’t be sure how to pronounce their names.
And they have no respect for our national borders. Look at this shocking, I say SHOCKING expose brought to us by the kindly John Lamb revealing how this group has even gone so far as to force their culture and their bizarre customs on the Mexicans.
I ask you, sir, if the Germans are allowed to continue their surreptitious Deutchining of our fair land, our unique American culture will be lost. If everyone is drinking beer and listening to country music with a little accordian in the background and getting drunk and polka-ing and eating sausages and chicken-fried steak and chocolate cake, if we all know what a strudel is and all laugh when we see dachshunds springing through the tall grass like tiny porpoises, I ask you, in all seriousness, Carter, what will become of the America you so love?
No, the risks are too great. We must remove this Germanic scourge from our shores. The Germans have been menacing us with their tasty beers and their buxom women since Franklin’s time and we’ve yet to properly address it. Sure, we made some efforts, but nothing successful in the long term.
And these folks still refuse to assimilate, choosing instead to live together in enclaves mostly in the northeast and midwest.
When, Carter, when are you going to take a stand against these vile Germans who are hell-bent in slowly turning our country into some kind of beer-swilling Germanic paradise, stripped of all of the WASPy things that make this country great?
Die Tat wirkt mächtiger als das Wort, Kleinheider, Die Tat wirkt mächtiger als das Wort.