Just Once

I would like to be the person who goes out drinking all night leaving the other person frantically running around the next day trying to move heavy furniture by himself and wondering if there’s a clear enough path from the bathroom to the back yard or if he’s going to have to find some way to ensure the safety of his great-grandmother’s china.

Also, I would like to never see another piece of kitty litter again in my whole damn life.

Whose idea was it to bring cats in the house anyway?

Oh, yeah, mine.

Nativists, Attack!

Dear Carter Tiny Pasture,

It has come to my attention that there is a group of people in this country that has been, since the time of the founding of our country, a scourge upon our fair land.

Ben Franklin said of them, that they are”a Colony of Aliens, who will shortly be so numerous as to” ruin our country because they refuse to assimilate. 

They don’t learn English (some of them have been here hundreds of years and still refuse to speak English-only.  Ask Coble, who’s had her share of unfortunate run-ins with the more militant of them.).  They’ve made it so, no matter what bar you go to, their beverage of choice is always available and usually the least expensive.  They refuse to Anglicanize their names, so that when a good American has to, say, call them at work, she can’t be sure how to pronounce their names.

And they have no respect for our national borders.  Look at this shocking, I say SHOCKING expose brought to us by the kindly John Lamb revealing how this group has even gone so far as to force their culture and their bizarre customs on the Mexicans.

I ask you, sir, if the Germans are allowed to continue their surreptitious Deutchining of our fair land, our unique American culture will be lost.  If everyone is drinking beer and listening to country music with a little accordian in the background and getting drunk and polka-ing and eating sausages and chicken-fried steak and chocolate cake, if we all know what a strudel is and all laugh when we see dachshunds springing through the tall grass like tiny porpoises, I ask you, in all seriousness, Carter, what will become of the America you so love?

No, the risks are too great.  We must remove this Germanic scourge from our shores.  The Germans have been menacing us with their tasty beers and their buxom women since Franklin’s time and we’ve yet to properly address it.  Sure, we made some efforts, but nothing successful in the long term.

And these folks still refuse to assimilate, choosing instead to live together in enclaves mostly in the northeast and midwest.

When, Carter, when are you going to take a stand against these vile Germans who are hell-bent in slowly turning our country into some kind of beer-swilling Germanic paradise, stripped of all of the WASPy things that make this country great?

Die Tat wirkt mächtiger als das Wort, Kleinheider, Die Tat wirkt mächtiger als das Wort.


Aunt B.

My Utopian Dream

I didn’t want to see Don Imus fired.  I wanted to see him changed.  I wanted him to just step back for a second and imagine working his ass off for something he really wanted and coming so damn close to getting it that there’s only one other group in the country better than you and how much it would suck to work so hard and turn on your television and find that the news isn’t how hard you worked, but that some big media personality thinks it’s funny to announce that you look funny and fuck for money, that no matter how hard you’ve worked, to him, you’re just the girls with the weird hair and the unbridled sexuality.

Maybe firing him helps and if that’s what folks need or want, fine.  I don’t care one way or another.

I just wanted him to fucking get it.

And that’s not going to happen.

Same with Opie and Anthony.  I get why Egalia and others are calling for them to be fired.  I don’t give a shit if they’re fired or not.

I want them to get it–that making a joke about how their guest would rape Condoleeza Rice if he had the chance is vile.

It’s vile to sit around joking about raping anyone.  It’s vile to suggest that an appropriate response to women in power who threaten you is raping them.  And it’s vile the way that the commenters here are all like “What?  It is funny.  Imagine the look on her face.”

I don’t want any of them to be fired, either.

I just want them to get it, that it’s not funny, and that, if, when someone started talking about how funny raping someone is, they could say, “Hey, man, that’s not cool.” change the topic.

They run the show.  They can control the content that way.