I Watch TV

Doom is Some Racist Shit

Seriously.  I’m not expecting a whole lot from a movie that stars The Rock, but god damn, I do expect that, if he starts out being the main character and he seems nice and concerned about his team, he won’t, in the middle of the movie suddenly become evil so that the white man can save the blond chick.

The New Diet Pepsi Ads Rule

They’re cute, self-depreciating, and when they advocate making 56 states, they want one to be Misterissippi so that Mississippi has someone to talk to.  That just tickles the shit right out of me.

Divine Design

I watch home makeover shows like some people watch porn.  Possibly for the same reasons.

Treat Your Dog And Yourself! Go to the Park!

Mrs. Wigglebottom and I went to the park. She played in the water. I took a nap. We came home. I gave her a bath and took another nap. I never in my life have had periods 28 days apart, but 2007 seems to be the year of that and, whoa boy, doesn’t it feel like all you’re doing is bleeding? I swear to god, I’m all like “Didn’t I just have this fucker?” And I did. On the other hand, no bad cramps, so there’s that. And, if I need to take two naps an afternoon (or maybe just one long nap interrupted by a drive home), who’s to complain?

Anyway, it’s beautiful outside. If I had a porch swing or a hammock, that’s where I’d be. Yes, taking another nap.

Here’s the bridge we played under. Sadly, no trolls.


And here are some various grassy things I looked at while I was laying in said grass. Notice all the clover.




And now, for the dog so cute that, in a just world, she’d be featured every day on Cute Overload, Mrs. Wigglebottom takes on her arch enemy–water!  Notice how she’s all “I will chomp you, water!”  Sorry for the one of her butt, but believe me, world, when you own a dog, you see more of that dog’s butthole than you’d think would be humanly possible.  Also, check the one where she’s got her whole head under water.  I’ve never see her do that, before.




How To Tell if it’s Okay for You to Talk Smack about My Brothers to Me

1.  Are you related to us?

2.  Have you ever lived more than an hour away from your parents?

3.  Do you have a job procured by one or more of your parents?

4.  Are you living in a house your parents helped you buy?

5.  Do you have to take a shower in the dark because, for some reason, the Butcher doesn’t throw out dead lightbulbs, but instead puts them in with the live ones?

If you answered yes to one and no to two through four, you may talk smack about them, a little.  If you answered question 5 in the affirmative, you may talk all the smack you want.  Pull up a chair.  Shoot, sit on the toilet and talk smack while I’m in the shower.  I could use the company, since it’s so dark in there.

But, if you are living in the same town as your parents in a job they helped you get in a house they helped you buy, don’t call me up talking about what a shame it is that the Butcher doesn’t have any more ambition than he does.

Or we will fight, believe me.

Jumbled Mother’s Day Thoughts

I read a lot about women who have really complex and complicated relationships with their moms. I don’t really get that. My mom and I were never like that. I never felt like I was competing with her for attention. I never felt like she was living through me. She always had her own stuff going on, her own life she was living that was interesting to her.

I feel very much tied to my mom through blood.

She brought together the ingredients for me, provided a safe place for them to come together and grow, and then, when the time came, she pushed me out of her and then took me in her arms and fed me.

My body has been inside hers and she coursed through me. It’s hard to describe how intimately I feel connected to her. I come from her, literally. I come out of her the way that she came out of her mother the way that she came out of her mother, Betsy from Betty from Doris from Teckla from Hulda from Anna from Inga and on back farther than I know.

It doesn’t matter. I am from them. My being here proves their existence.

When I think about them, each holding a baby in her arms that would grow up to be a mother holding a daughter in her arms, that’s when I feel it the worst, this tug to bring life into the world.

I know I still have time, but I feel it slipping away.

Last night, I dreamed that my mother was pregnant and that it was a minor medical scandal–she in her early sixties, my dad having had that taken care of years ago. And yet, they decided to go ahead and have the baby, a daughter. I was so excited.

It’s funny. I spend a lot of time worried about pleasing the people around me. I never worry about that with my mom. She seems delighted in me no matter what I do and heartbroken whenever she leaves me.

I feel my mom with me all the time.

And the thought of losing her feels to me like having a part of my soul amputated.

Damn it, she scared the shit out of me. I still need her. And so I want her to be careful. Very careful.

The Professor’s brother and I joked about getting the Professor a giant baby walker because she’s all the time falling and fucking up her ankles and we thought a grown-person sized baby walker would both make it impossible for her to fall and give her a handy shelf on which to stick the stuff she needs for the day.

I want that for my mom, too, a protective bubble or something monitored at all times by doctors, so that all her landings are soft and all her problems quickly taken care of.

I’m spoiled, I think, because my Grandma Doris is still kicking around and seems to be in great shape. I want to grow old with my mom the way she’s been able to grow old with hers.

Can you make wishes on Mother’s Day? That’s mine.

Dear Conservative Readers, Make Ready Your Fainting Couches

Damn you Tennessee General Assembly.  I am a hippie liberal chick from the North.  I never met a problem or even a “problem” that I didn’t want the government to throw money at.

And yet, today, I am writing this post to point folks to this post by Ben Cunningham, who’s motto seems to be (and I am in fact making this up) “If the State can’t raise enough money to cover its needs by holding a series of bake sales across Tennessee, the government is too big.”

Do you know why?

A. Because we have an enormous surplus and it does seem unseemly to collect more money from us when you have so much of our money already, just sitting around waiting for you to dream up shit to put it towards.

B.  Not one of these bills seems to be about pouring money into our current infrastructure and getting basic things like, oh, say, reliable internet access for our state police or helping make all public buildings in the state accessible to all Tennessee citizens, which would be things I might support.

And C., I’m going to tell you, the Republicans have me convinced that we should lower or eliminate the sales tax on food.  If we have such an enormous surplus, do some good for all Tennesseans, rich and poor, and lower or eliminate the sales tax on food.

Now, I’ll admit, there are going to be lean years again and the sales tax on food is a good way to generate revenue, because, of course, everyone has to eat.  But it seems to me that one of y’all could figure out how to tie the sales tax on food inversely to the budget surplus, so that the more money the state brings in over what they thought they were going to bring in, the lower the sales tax on food, and, in lean years, the sales tax would go up, but not to exceed what we’re paying now.

Because, I have to tell you, the legislation you’re putting forth right now makes y’all look like a bunch of jackasses.

Shall we peruse the bills Cunningham is bringing to our attention?

SB784 creates a boat titling system that would collect fees in order to fund the boat titling system.  Kudos on the system paying for itself, but, if there were no system, there’d be no need to collect fees in the first place.

HB139 would charge prison inmates $6 upon release in exchange for an “identification card.”  First, where is an honest inmate going to get $6 from?  Second, what if they don’t have the $6?  It costs money to keep folks in prison.  Are you going to use moreof my tax dollars to detain a guy who can’t come up with $6?  Why do felons need an identification card?  Have you run that by your attorneys yet?  Seems to me you’re going to run into some Constitutional problems, there.  And seriously, even if this were Constitutional, is $6 per inmate going to cover the costs of implementing the system?

HB1383–Five dollars more per copy on top of what the health department charges?  Are Tennessee birth certificates made of gold?  You know how much I can get a lovely color copy made at Kinko’s for?

Seriously, folks, is there no one in the State who sits down and asks, “What’s this going to cost us, both monetarily and in terms of not being the laughing stock of our State?”

You have a surplus–fully fund underfunded programs, make sure that we’re in compliance with Federal statutes and can easily work with the Feds when we need to, and then cut us a break on the food tax.

Voila!  Everbody’s happy.  Or everybody’s equally unhappy, which is about the same thing.