Grrr.
My littlest nephew is back with the recalcitrant brother. He, apparently, was all excited to tell his dad about how he got to watch while the police searched his mom’s car.
I bet this will be one of those awesome situations where we just pray that my nephew magically comes to live with my brother forever and ever without a damn adult in the world doing anything to insure that happens.
Bah.
Fuck it. It upsets me to talk about it.
Tiny Cat Pants 
At least it sounds like your sister-in-law is doing her best.
Damn. Sorry to hear this.
If she’s in custody, she can’t be custodial. Now would be a good time to file for divorce, as he has the kid in possession and the mother has been doing her damnedest to show herself unfit.
Yes, one would think, but my family seems to be operating under the assumption that it’s going to be so hard for the recalcitrant brother to get custody when she’s The Mom! First, it’s not 1980 any more. Custody doesn’t automatically go to the mom. And second, she’s a crack whore who doesn’t have a job and can’t be relied upon to even get him to school.
By “my family” do you mean “my brother”? Because he’s the one who has to file. If it’s just your parents, ignore them and kick his ass until he starts things moving. I mean, not that it’s easy easy. There are papers to file and a lawyer to pay and all that. But proving his fitness to be the custodial parent? I’d say that part has been done for him, except for the part he’s already done himself by pulling himself together.
“The family” is wrong about this one, I think. But as nm says, he needs to get off his ass and do it. It might be that Recalcitrant Brother ultimately would rather live with the burden of feeling somewhat guilty for being a loser father than he would to do the hard work of becoming the parent the Littlest Nephew deserves. (If it sounds like I speak from hard experience about the failings of brothers towards their offspring, it’s only because I do.)
NM, no, it’s their typical passive bullshit, where, yes, the whole family is flouncing about moaning about how hard it’s going to be for him, which they then repeat to him, which doesn’t help matters. And couldn’t I just see if she has a record in North Carolina, because, of course, I am secretly the police and can do that.
Whatever. The whole thing just has me fuming. I’m almost ready to say that I don’t want to hear shit about it until the recalcitrant brother has filed for divorce and filed for custody.
Plus, this is the stupid shit. They’re married. They’re not even legally separated. And she won’t drive to Georgia. So, if he never takes the kid back to North Carolina, what’s she going to do? He’s not kidnapped him and it’s not like she’s ambitious enough to come and get him. This should really be the end of it, but it’s never going to be, because I am related to a bunch of people who become morons in the face of insane bitches.
Well, then, your duty is clear: you must become an insane bitch and stay in their faces about it and call everyone every day to cackle (or do insane bitches bark?) at them, and your brother twice a day, until he has turned the papers in to the court. If insane bitches make them crumble, then make sure they crumble in the right direction.
Here we get to the heart of a family dynamic I don’t know how to navigate. I feel like I’m being pushed to take over being the adult in the family. This is a shitty and thankless job as it involves taking care of everyone and yet being the brunt of a lot of resentment. I don’t want that job. I don’t want to be the parent. And yet, if I stick my head up in any way that indicates I’m even remotely doing what might be perceived as parenting, I’ll have all that caretaking and the resentment thrust upon me.
I must say, though, too, that my family is very passive and this dynamic, that I’ve described above, may be their way of keeping me passive, too.
I understand your reluctance, and if this only affected your brother I’d tell you to let the rest of them grow up on their own time. But it also affects your nephew, who actually is a child, and who needs his father to act on his behalf in this situation. So, you know, if you can motivate the RB to act, it helps your nephew and makes your brother take the responsibility of following through, which will perhaps get him more in the habit of being active.
When you push passive people to do what they need to be doing for themselves (when that way is fairly obvious — like “divorce the insane bitch and save your kid from a life of squalor, addiction, abuse, mental illness, and bigotry”), that’s not really a bad thing. When and if they finally resentfully push back, you have taught them to be active on their own behalf. Trust me. I’ve seen this movie and you probably won’t like the alternate ending.
This is a shitty and thankless job as it involves taking care of everyone and yet being the brunt of a lot of resentment. I don’t want that job. I don’t want to be the parent.
You’re obviously not the parent, but they’ve got you between a rock and a hard place. Either they force you to step into a pseudo-parent role and take the resentment that goes with that or they expect you to remain passive–a course they know will only result in self-resentment for you.
At this point I tend to agree with the others who’ve said that the nephew needs to take a priority here, since he’s a child. The sad thing is that dooms you unfairly to yet another course of action you had no part in setting.
Ack, that’s frustrating, B. What would it take to convince the recalcitant brother to take matters into his own hands? And wouldn’t the thing about the KKK robes (not to mention the kid watching the mom’s car be searched by police) weigh on your brother’s side in a custody hearing?
Ha, no the KKK robes belong to the family of the other nephew.
I was thinking about it over supper and realized, I’ve got time. I need to remember that. I’ve got time. I don’t have to take charge and fix things by tomorrow.
I was thinking about it over supper and realized, I’ve got time. I need to remember that. I’ve got time. I don’t have to take charge and fix things by tomorrow.
Good thinking!
“Ha, no the KKK robes belong to the family of the other nephew.”
Your brother sure knows how to pick ’em. Damn.
I told him once when we were drunk that he should make a rule that any woman willing to sleep with him right away is not a woman he should sleep with right away.
It’s funny. My dad drilled into my head the tendency of ministers’ kids to become social workers, either as a career or in their private lives–always looking to save and fix everyone–and he warned me against it repeatedly.
And yet, boy, the RB is a sucker for a hardluck story. He can change them! Ha.
Can you sell him on the idea that his son is a hard luck story?
Ha, that will be my long-term strategy, for sure. My short-term strategy will be to to remind him constantly that a boy needs someone to protect him and that he can be that someone.
Ugh. Just wanted to say hang in there, B. That’s a sucky position to be put in, it is.