Yes.
Could I love a man who hated my dog?
No. Deal breaker, that one. Afraid, uncomfortable, ill-at-ease–fine. Hate Mrs. Wigglebottom and I can only assume you secretly hate me.
Speaking of Mrs. Wigglebottom, I’m so tired and frazzled over the whole car thing and my need to be at work at a decent hour so that I can leave if I have to that I forgot to take her for a walk.
Also, there is no Dr Pepper in the house.
But, knock on wood, I think I am mere days away from being able to acquire tinycatpants.com. I will then redo all my cafe press stuff and worldwide fame and fortune will be mine!
Here’s why I feel bad, because, in general, I have no real talent or special skills. If your car breaks down, you’re not going to take it to me. If you take the evening to address my car problems, it’s not like I can come out the next night in my overalls and lay under your truck and talk intelligently about how, if you just hand me those pliers, I’ll have you a new thingamabobber put on here in no time flat and I’ll need to machine you up a new dohicky, but damn, I can do that in my sleep.
No, America, my skills lie in writing things that amuse people, very simple crocheting, basic sewing, and Midwestern desserts.
There is literally nothing I can do to even things up. I just have to graciously accept it.
I don’t know. Maybe that’s a part of friendship that I’m shitty at, letting go of the idea that the scales must balance. You just are in debt to each other in ways that can’t be repaid.
Okay.
Speaking of friends, since we’re just wandering around my uncaffinated brain, I’m secretly charmed by how square Coble’s trolls are.
I consider myself to be kind of square, but I always assumed that, if a married couple could think it up to do it, and everyone was enthusiastic about it, it wasn’t immoral.
Folks even squarer than me disagree.
Just to get a little “God the patriarchy sucks” on you, don’t think I didn’t find it very interesting that Coble’s troll would describe his fantasy of Coble’s behavior as “hateful.”
Let me just say that it doesn’t make a girl feel very confident in “Dan Menard’s” love of women that he perceives penetration as a hateful act.
Tiny Cat Pants 
“Dan,” like most trolls, has a ponderous prose style. Couldn’t we guess that the device in question was synthetic? Duh. As opposed to what? Highly carved Ivory? Obsidian? Red marble? If you’re going to use an adjective in what you hope to be an arresting and convincing visual description, make sure that the adjective suggests something visually memorable. Doofus.
Oh, gosh, but any woman who would do something like that would be capable of cutting the real penises off of living humans (or raccoons, even!) and using them in her evil, evil (huff, pant) sex play. So I’m kind of glad he threw that descriptor in there, ya know?
Actually, according to my husband who used to be a slush pile reader, style, grammar, and spelling all fly out the window during sex scenes almost all the time.
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“Dan” is not a very smart troll. Even the minor details he crafted to come up to try and make his story appear legit were stupid (BBB making house calls, BBB person from Memphis going alllll the way to Nashville, etc.).
As for you evening things up, I’m thinking you can always even up anything pretty well with that Midwestern dessert thing with most people. Who doesn’t like dessert?!?!?!
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Well, I’m stunned, I tell you. And shocked! Stunned AND shocked! Married people having sex! Who’da thunk it??* What’ll those crazy Midwesterners think of next?? And, um, could they tell us about it, too?
*Although it certainly does seem to explain the popularity of weddings.
I’ve sent an email to the Memphis BBB asking for a clarification.
This should be fun.