Frank Cooter Talk

In general, I don’t have a problem with porn.  Porn stars, to me, seem like the equivalent of gymnasts.  Yes, they’re women.  Yes, I have those basic body parts, but if you think I’m going to be able to bend and stretch and balance mine like that, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, on you.

Do some folks get weird expectations about what are common and generally acceptable sexual practices and body types from porn?

I suppose they do.

And do I think that porn reinforces the notion that women are available for men’s pleasure whenever the men should need it?  Yes, I do.

I guess I kind of see pornography as saying explicitly what so much of society says implicitly.

So, I’ve never viewed pornography and felt pressured to look like a porn star any more than I look at a gymnast and feel pressured to look like a gymnast.  Maybe that’s because I think it takes a lot of care and training I’d rather not do to be able to have your body consistently perform that way.  Maybe it’s because there’s just no way anyone would look at me and expect my body to miraculously transform into a porn star body upon the removal of my clothes.

In other words, I’ve just never viewed porn and felt bad about myself as a woman (even though I’ve seen some stuff that made me feel pretty damn bad about men).  I especially have never looked at those cooters and thought, even for a second, that that’s what my cooter should look like.

So, I’m a little weirded out by a link I found in this thread over at Pandagon.  I will just say up front that the link I am about to give you is for serious not for safe for work unless you happen to work at a gynecologist.  But, since I want you all to get an idea of what I’m talking about, when you click over there, you will see many vaginal openings that have been “fixed” from something like this–0–to something like this–I.

Okay, here’s the link.

Y’all, there’s not a cooter on this page that looks like mine.  Not in the before pictures, certainly not in the after pictures.  But those before pictures!

Seriously, those to me look like porn cooters already all shaved and… okay, I’m just going to say it… small.  Where are their labia majora?

Fuck me, maybe we need to just have naked normal cooter day because I look at those cooters and see nothing that resembles mine.

My cooter, for those of you who’ve not seen it, is covered first by my labia majora.  If I’m not aroused, everything stays pretty much tucked up in behind them.  If I am aroused, they kind of open up and pull back and everything that’s normally kind of tucked away is covered in at least a thin layer of slick secretions.

My clitoris is tucked away under its hood and between my clitoris and my vaginal opening is some really slick and soft tissue that is normally kind of covered by my labia minora

I had thought that that’s how cooters, in general, worked.

But then I look at these cooters, cooters that are so “abnormal” that they’re being hacked away at by folks who’ve sworn to first do no harm, and I’ve got to tell you, it’s make me feel a little weird about my cooter.

Do I have an abnormally large cooter?  Are folks getting lost up there and are just too polite to tell me?  Am I one cold snap away from someone wearing my cooter as a hat, using my labia majora for ear flaps?

You know what I mean?  If these are the cooters that need surgery, where does that leave mine?

I don’t know.  I’m going to assume that, since I’ve never had anyone down there scream and run away in horror that everything’s okay.  Shoot, a gynecologist would say something if you had a cooter so large that folks could use it as housing, right?

I mean, my cooter feels good to me.  Isn’t that the point?  If they work and they feel good, why are we hacking on them?

And those afters.  The afters break my heart.  They seem so tame and safe, like little coin slots, not decadent pleasure-filled gateways to the mysteries of the universe.

Something about them looks like an apology–“I’m sorry for being a woman; let me tuck as much of that gross girly stuff away as I can.”

So, yeah, I’m momentarily weirded out, but I think I’d rather have an untamed unapologetic weird cooter than a perfectly fine cooter I felt so bad about that I paid someone thousands of dollars to hack away at it.

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37 thoughts on “Frank Cooter Talk

  1. Some women *are* ashamed of their bodies. Some men *want* women who feel as much like inflatable dolls as possible. Some people believe that the body can and should be perfected by surgical intervention, not perceiving the perfection that is always already theirs. Some plastic surgeons have created a condition to remedy because they are patriarchal nutjobs catering to a hyper-anxious self-involved clientele with crazy amounts of disposable income. Some people (not to put to fine a point on it) have a screw loose.

    That’s judge-y of me, I guess. I’m old enough to live with the idea that I’m judgmental and I’m cool with the idea that my feminism is not the only sort. Then again, I’m sort of low on comparative box-awareness, as I don’t get out much.

  2. My cooter, for those of you who’ve not seen it,
    and
    like little coin slots

    alone were worth the price of admission.

    Plus, I laughed that spell-check clearly didn’t approve of your spelling of “cooter”.

    Now i have something to laugh about as I go about my day.

  3. Am I one cold snap away from someone wearing my cooter as a hat, using my labia majora for ear flaps?

    I laughed out loud here at work on that one. The visual is one that will be hard-pressed to leave my mind for a long, long time.

    Just a random question: was vaginoplasty a procedure researched and developed by men? And this is acceptable? Then I would be interested in forming a penileplasty acceptance society. If it is ok for them to want smaller, prettier cooters with coin slots, then it should be ok for me to want larger, thicker, and longer peni with more taut balls. Laughable since most guys I know cringe at the thought of a mere vasectomy.

  4. If it is ok for them to want smaller, prettier cooters with coin slots, then it should be ok for me to want larger, thicker, and longer peni with more taut balls.

    For real. Where are all the men having their cockoplasties? And are there pictures? I want to see pictures.

  5. Yes, labioplasty was developed by male plastic surgeons — plastic surgery was dominated by men until the last decade and the surgery itself has been around since the 1950s. Originally, it was for women who had clitoral tears during childbirth or episiotomy scars that had calloused over time and was rarely performed. Then it was a procedure mainly used in gender reassignment surgery, creating a designer vagina for trannies. As the porn industry took off, it became a cosmetic surgery mainly for sexworkers. Then a group of docs began marketing it as the “love surgery” — tightening up women who had given birth and “restoring virginity”. Then the Internet happened and a lot more adults could see porn regularly, including women… Now, it’s the fastest growing category of cosmetic surgery, part of the whole “eternal youth” hustle.

    When you Google “peniplasty,” all the top refs are to South Park.

  6. There is so much here to process from the unapologetic weird cooter to the cockoplastie.
    Where do I begin?
    **scurrying to go get Squirrel Queen to read this**

  7. I would love to sic Betty Dodson on these people. She has worked so long and taught so much about the multiple and varied looks for cooters. She gave these different variations lots of beautiful names and descriptions. I don’t think she’d have much to say about these after pictures. That just doesn’t look real to me, actually it looks a lot like hate. A continuation in this trend to keep full grown female genitalia away from the public and to only show hairless, small immature cooters so that men won’t be afraid.

    I guess it was only a short step from changing your ethnic nose via plastic surgery to “neatening” up your lady business to be more socially acceptable as well.

  8. Oh, way too much funny here! But sad underneath, particularly this bit, which pretty much says it all: Something about them looks like an apology–”I’m sorry for being a woman; let me tuck as much of that gross girly stuff away as I can.”

    As for “where are all the cockoplasties”? As if. Women are expected to change in order to fit men’s expectations. Men generally don’t change to meet ours: we just change our expectations as well.

    Shoot, I’d be happy if more guys would just shave the balls. What’s that? Razor in the crotch got you shrinking up, guys? OK, how ’bout just a basic trim, then? Hey, good, for the goose, good for the gander, and all that, right? You guys expect it; get up off some damn scissors yourselves. I had one bf who could’ve donated that shit to the Hair Club for Men.

  9. /dies at more cowbell’s comment

    That’s some funny shit. I know. I had ONE guy shave his balls for me, ever. He was justly rewarded.

  10. I had one bf who could’ve donated that shit to the Hair Club for Men.

    Dear God, this is one of the funniest threads ever.

    Indeed, there are guys with more hair on their balls than on their heads! All we’re asking for is a mere trimming…much less painful than a bikini wax!

  11. badbadivy: Yes, honey — had one of those too (shavers). Goodgod but he was a sensuous man. Still dream about that one. Guys, are you listening?

  12. I, on the other hand, don’t mind hair on manly bits. I think it just comes down to a man’s hopes and dreams. I think of it like head hair. Men with full heads of hair might expect smooches on the head, fingers run through hair, etc. But I’m probably not licking your head or putting it in my mouth. Okay, maybe.

    Oh, who am I kidding? I’m not picky. I guess I don’t care one way or another, with a slight preference for it being however it naturally is.

    Saraclark, good point. I hadn’t thought of Dodson. But yes, exactly.

  13. Funniest post I’ve seen in a long, long time!!!

    BUT…

    I have one itsy, bitsy, wee problem with it…

    When I hear the word “cooter” I only imagine the character from “Dukes of Hazzard” and so all I can imagine is a voice coming out from between my legs that sounds like… that guy. Eww.

    When my whoo-haa talks, I don’t want it to sound like it wore a camo dress to prom. I’d like it to sound like Dixie Carter. Or Julie Andrews. Or even Phyliss Diller.

    But not Cooter. :-)

  14. Three cheers for Ivy! I agree with her comment.
    Seriously….. I’ve taken a long hard look at my own girlie bits in the past and have found that they look NOTHING like the photos you’ve linked to, Aunt B.

    This post takes me back about 10 years when I was dating a guy who has gone down in history as one of the 3 biggest assholes I have dated. One night, as he goes down on me – he has the nerve to ask: “why are your *lips* so big? They don’t look like other women’s I’ve seen. They look wierd.”
    Me: Thinking WTF!?, and w/o skipping a beat retort: “Why are you done fucking in one minute? All the other guys I’ve been with have lasted much longer than you, Minute Man.”

    Suffice to say, we didn’t last much longer than his bad sex. Asshole.

    Back to the disturbing nature of this labial surgery. Based on what I am reading here from Aunt B and other posters, I can’t help but think that our “large, warm and fuzzy so much as they could be worn as a winter hat” labia are normal, and not at all like this nip and tucked shit that is posted on this web site. I mean, seriously. How is this any different than the gential mutilation that takes place for the sake of *religion* that horrifies us so? And, women pay thousands of dollars for the sake of mens fantasies. Sick. Sick. Sick.

    On a less serious note. This post was hilarious. Thanks for this. I needed a good belly laugh.

  15. Oh Aunt B…. you’ve gotten me out of my slump (for today at least).

    This has inspired me!

    THANK YOU :-)

  16. When I hear the word “cooter” I only imagine the character from “Dukes of Hazzard”

    Thank you, graceless24! All day I’ve been wanting to come back on here and say, “Who is Frank Cooter?”

    Glad I’m not the only one who is warped. :)

  17. One of the most shocking things on this entire website is the Frequently Asked Questions page. This is the one that really got me going:

    Q: Could labiaplasty cause insensitivity?

    A: There is no physiological association for sensory pleasure with the labia [!] —that function is served by the clitoris. The only sensation elicited from labia is pain upon tearing or stretching. Labiaplasty can’t cause a loss of sensitivity when done correctly.

    This information is repeated several times throughout, in answer to different questions. In fact, at one point it is stated thusly:

    “It is well known MEDICAL FACT that the labia have sensory nerve fibers that ONLY transmit pain sensation, when stretched or torn. There is NO SEXUAL STIMULATION ASSOCIATED WITH THE LABIA MINORA.”

    Well, in that case, I am some sort of freak, because I feel pleasure throughout my vagina during lovemaking, not just in my clitoris. Everything about this site is just so WRONG.

  18. Pingback: Coochie Couture « Graceless in Love

  19. I love this post. I want it, in fact. Would you consider submitting this or something like it for my fledgling side project? http://www.sexcalumny.net is essentially an advice column (not yet published) and a forum for frank discussion about sex, and I’d be honored if you had a look at the About and Join Us pages, and decided that you wouldn’t mind contributing.
    I’ve perused the vaginoplasty sites before and felt stunned and unreasonably hurt. I try to be open-minded about plastic surgury because I’m so fond of tattoos and piercings–in either case there is a need for aesthetic control or maybe just plain control over the body. But when I go round and round this cooter-clipping bit in my brain, I couldn’t get over the misogyny it implied. It does make an excellent shock for women and men to reconsider their own expectations of genital appearance, as so many people seem to be doing here. : )
    In regards to the beginning of your post… I can’t let porn off the hook entirely. I never stumbled across any video porn until I’d been sexually active for seven years, and seeing it lit a giant light bulb above my head–ohhh! that’s where all these boys have been getting their crazy ideas from! Even though everyone “knows” that porn isn’t real, there’s some small part of the brain that insists on expecting the fantasy. Still, I have to throw one monkey wrench in: in my early pornless state, having sex with women confused *my* expectations of female sexuality. I was rather wounded that I didn’t orgasm come quite like this girl, or smell like that one. It took some time to understand that “female sexuality” is a not a category but a loose grouping of wildly varied experiences. Wish they taught *that* in abstinence-only.

  20. Tatiana, this is my question exactly. How can anyone have any question about genital mutilation in other cultures when we do it ourselves for very similar reasons.

    Wordshaman, what the fuck?! I didn’t read the FAQ or this would have been a not-funny but fucking pissed off post. There is no sexual stimulation associated with the labia minora?! Again, what the fuck?! I’m sorry, that just is a lie. It’s a lie as lying as lying can be. . Who would go to a doctor who would so blatantly lie a lie so easily discernable? How can the women who read that not know it’s a lie?

    Listen, I’m not saying folks should emulate my sex life, which is, in fact, one horrible awkwardness after another, but god damn, if you’ve never spent time letting a lover or two trace lines along the folds of your cooter that led to gentle rolling of your labia minora between their fingers, now’s the time. My blog will still be here in the morning.

    Tanglethis, okay, I might want to reconsider my stance on porn. I do think it gives boys the wrong idea about what to expect from women’s sexuality, but I guess I just assume most of them come to realize that it doesn’t work that way in real life for most people.

    And I do believe that having sex with women, as a woman, reinforces the importance of partners talking through sex and articulating how things are going. I mean, when you realize that, even with girly parts that you know very well, you don’t know exactly what might bring other girly parts pleasure… well, to me that just makes it more obvious that men aren’t going to inherently know what feels good to me and so I have to be willing to articulate it.

  21. Tanglethis, I looked over Sex Calumny and wow, yeah, I’d love to submit something. You’re welcome to have this, if you want, as long as folks know also to find me over here.

    What a cool idea!

  22. I can’t tell you how much I needed to laugh today….and this had me laughing so hard my stomach hurts.

    Thanks

    Another non-standard cooter heard from

  23. Oh marvelous! I’d like to Email you about it, but I couldn’t find a mail link on the site. I might be blind, but I’d be pleased if you could drop me a quick note to the address behind my comment, and I’ll run the site posting details by you.

    I also agree on both counts, that most men eventually realize that porn isn’t strictly educational and that female-female sex might make one realize how varied female pleasure can be. Those are good things. The part I find frustrating, I suppose, is that either realization relies on trial and error and perhaps quite a lot of unease in the process. I’d love to remove that first few years (or however long) of not-knowing-what’s-normal for new lovers, and seriously loosen up the definition and importance of “normal” while I’m at it. Hence, sexblog. : )

  24. For the record, of the 17 before/after, at least 13 of the “afters” would make me do a double-take. Non-judgementally, the vast majority of the “befores” look more viscerally attractive. So I assume there is likely something artificial driving this. (Maybe they can’t make decent labia on inflatable party dolls?)

    I love those experiments where they take men/women and show pictures of bodies/shapes and people pick out what they think the other sex desires, and what they find desirable, and compare. Like the wonderful “pot belly” speech in Pulp Fiction.

    What else? I think that the body-sculpting of all kinds is a reflection of socioeconomics; people view their bodies as one of their many assets to attract (and to a lesser extent retain) partners, and as men have increasingly not been able to rely on women’s economic dependence, they feel more pressure to compete in other ways. (Aside: I also assume that partly drives why poorer women should work but not wealthier; the poorer’s economic dependence is a burden, the richer’s a security blanket.)

    But if it all means fewer hairs in the teeth for our lady friends, maybe it’s not all for nothing?

  25. Pingback: Daily fragments, not wholly safe for work « Harvest Bird

  26. I haven’t read all the comments, but let me just say that I should not have tried to catch up on reading your blog while in class today. :)

  27. Alright. No more lurking. I have got to say something about this. What, just WHAT, is wrong with those girls? Who would want ‘before’, let alone ‘after’?!

  28. Well, I guess that site proves the old adage wrong. You really can have too much money.

  29. Hmmm, my trackback (no. 29) sounds rather more sceptical than my original point, which was that although it would be nice to think that those of us who think this is not only a grim thing but one that’s looking like a trend are mistaken on the latter count, I suspect that’s not the case.

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  32. When a MALE plastic surgeon (who is looking to make thousands of dollars off you) tells you “Oh, no, there are no nerves for sensitivity in your labia, you won’t lose sensitivity, etc”…You have to bet he has ulterior motives. I have often heard men tell me whatever they think I want to hear in order to get what they want! This does not seem much different, except maybe he is not the only one getting what he wants but enabling other men to have what they want, too – A “little girl” cooter.

    Also reminds me of the time way back when…They used to tell us the only kind of orgasm women had was a clitoral one. Many of knew this was false…finally someone located and identified the G-spot. Before that in Victorian times, women were told that clitoral orgasms were immature and that a real woman needed to have vaginal orgasms. Why is it that the men are always busy telling us what we should look like, and how we should feel? I will define myself, thank you very much. And it does not include paying lots of money to mutilate myself!

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