You Know What They Say about Assuming–Another Open Letter to Kleinheider

Dear Mr. Tiny Pasture*:

I could spend my afternoon fretting about the Butcher, who is spending his afternoon sitting in a doctor’s office.  I could spend my afternoon coming up with reasons why men with big brown eyes should beg me to let them plant gentle kisses on my cooter**.  Hell, I could finish up lunch and get back to work.

But instead, I’ve got to ponder your latest immigration nonsense.

On Friday you were all “Oh, boo-hoo amnesty is not fair.” Today you’re all “Oh, boo-hoo amnesty is not fair.” Again.  Christ Jesus.  Most folks wait to see if a song is going to hit the top of the charts before they turn around and put out the remix.

And here’s me, putting out the answer song.  That’s how nerdy I am.  When was the last time anyone put out an answer song?  1964?  And, really, with the exception of Kitty Wells’s “It wasn’t God who made Honky Tonk Angels,” has there ever been a good answer song?

Not that I can think of.  Which means, Sir, that you’re forcing me into a genre that is, by definition, failed.  Thanks.  Thanks a lot.

Anyway, I have some questions for you.

You say, “Well, I could point out the fact that you cannot simply issue conditional pardons for mass amounts of people who break the law. What does it say about the seriousness in which we hold our laws?” And yet, are you not the same man who said, when talking about issuing conditional pardons for mass amounts of people who break the law, “Now, personally, while I believe civil disobedience is preferable violent insurrection I wouldn’t have a problem with excusing an aggravated assault as long as no one was permanently injured. But that’s just me.”

Go on, ponder that.  It’s such a good point that I, myself, need to take a minute and spend some time delighting in my own brilliance.

Whew, okay, I’m done.

Next, you say, “The reason we cannot grant amnesty, apart from all the issues surrounding the preservation of the rule of law, is that we simply have more immigrants coming into this country than we can properly absorb either economically or culturally.”  To which I must say, “Says who?”  Really, by what standard are you judging whether folks can be “properly” absorbed?

Today, you’re all, “Why should we need an amendment to make sure that illegals return to their home country in order to apply for legal residency? Is that not a given?”  You realize, of course, that there are people who have been in this country illegally since they were small children.  This is their home country.  You must also realize that there are people who are here in this country illegally because their home countries are dangerous shit-holes, often made that way by our fucked-up foreign policy.  Shall we inflict probable death sentences on them?

Also, Mr. “Conservative.”  Who will pay to remove these folks to their “homelands?”  Who’s paying for the plane tickets for 15 million people?  You’re going to go to the American tax payers and ask for international airfare for fifteen million people?  Woo-hoo!  I CANNOT wait to see how that goes over.

You tickle me, Tiny Pasture.

Love,

Aunt B.

P.S. I’m thinking about writing an open letter to the Blue Collar Muse.  Do you think it’s too soon to subject him to such hazing?  And yet, today, when talking about how to solve the problems of Black America (whatever that means), he actually says, and I quote, when talking about the promises he thinks Obama is making to his potential voters, “Evidently, a return to economic prosperity and the 1950’s heyday of ‘a chicken in every pot and two cars in every garage’ is just around the corner in January of 2009 when George “Just call me Sauron, all my enemies do!” Bush is no longer President. [emphasis mine]”

Let me just reiterate, Carter, your fellow Rightie, a man you quote today, is offering up political analysis in which he posits that Barak Obama is promising Black America a return to “the 1950’s [sic] heyday of ‘a chicken in every pot and two cars in every garage'” if only they vote for him.

One more time for the slow: Blue Collar Muse thinks that Barak Obama is promising Black America a return to the 1950s if they vote for him.

Because Barak Obama wants to commit political suicide?!  What the fuck?!

How can I not open-letter than nonsense?

And yet, I don’t because I just met the dude and we talked about “The Blues Brothers.”  We bonded over the Joliet prison.  But this nonsense?

Ah, well, I refrain.  But I will snicker about this notion of folks in the 50s all having two cars in their garages.

*I assume you prefer your non-immigrant name?

**”Reason #4: It’ll make Kleinheider uncomfortable to imagine it.”

27 thoughts on “You Know What They Say about Assuming–Another Open Letter to Kleinheider

  1. …we simply have more immigrants coming into this country than we can properly absorb either economically or culturally.”

    It seems to me that we can no longer exist economically without immigrants since I don’t see any long employment lines for folks who want to pick our crops and do our shit jobs that must be done. I would like to know who is going to step up to the plate to do these jobs once we kick them out…Kleinheider? Corker?

    Who’s paying for the plane tickets for 15 million people?

    bahahahahaha! Great point!

  2. No, no, Ginger, don’t you know? They’re requiring prisoners to go out and pick crops in areas illegal immigrants have been run out of. It’s the market at work! That part of capitalism that says, “If you need to pay slave wages in order to make a profit, it’s okay to enlist people in slave-like conditions.” That’s fair! That’s the American way! Or something. We don’t need immigrants as long as we can exploit prisoners!

    Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

  3. Yet, still, he fails to explain how giving legal status, (not citizenship) to these undocumented people only AFTER requiring them to pay a fine of 5000 dollars and paying back taxes is some kind of amnesty. It clearly is not.

    I wonder if Mr. Muse is aware that conditions for black people in the 50’s wasn’t so hot.

  4. In addition, Tiny pastures fails to account that even given moderate economic growth, (something he and his fellow Cons literally orgasm over) we create roughly 400000 more entry level jobs than we have people to fill them. When the economy slows, immigration slows. Who wants to go to whole other country to starve? Contrary to popular opinion, most States do not give any benefits to undocumented persons. It is simply not a question of Americans not doing the jobs, there are just not enough of us.

  5. When was the last time anyone put out an answer song? 1964?

    When did “Stand by My Woman Man” come out? And there’s always Lennon’s “How Do You Sleep”, from 1971.

    I would apologize for trying to derail your thread, except that in failing to point out that the bill being considered is not an amnesty bill by any definition of the word ‘amnesty’, you have introduced something just calling out for derailment.

  6. When did “Stand by My Woman Man” come out?

    That would be 1976! :)

    Well, I can attest that there are not nearly enough handsome brown-eyed men who want to smooch me in this country.

    Word.

  7. Rap and urban has seen the glut of answer songs since the UTFO vs Roxanne Shante battles of the early 80’s. I think ACK would fit in well with the UTFO boys considering his high-top fade. So guess that makes you Roxanne Shante.

  8. Ha, it’s definitely a thread in need of derailing into the more interesting topic of “the answer song.” That’s for sure.

  9. Sadly, I remember when Travis Tritt released his song, “Strong Enough to be Your Man” in response to Sheryl Crow’s “Are You Strong Enough to be My Man?”.

    I have since exorcised all country music from my soul.

  10. “Sweet Home Alabama” was an answer to Neil Young’s “Southern Man” and Warren Zevon’s “Play It All Night Long” was an answer to Sweet Home Alabama. And Zevon delivered a damn fine answer.

  11. I’m not sure, but I think Ray Lamontagne’s “Jolene” is an answer to Dolly Parton’s “Jolene.”

    Not sure, but I like to imagine that it is.

    :-)

  12. Oooh! Clearly the best answer song ever is Koko Taylor’s “I’m a Woman.” It’s so fabulous that it even compels me to delurk.

  13. When was the last time anyone put out an answer song? 1964?

    What about “Killing Me Softly With His Song”? That was pretty alright.

    (And I can’t get over the BCM stuff. What a strange assertion you quote, amid many other strange assertions. “Thus, when they pay mothers for having children and remove financial incentives for men and women to marry, all in the name of compassion, they feign surprise when out of wedlock pregnancies skyrocket and two parent familes [sic] evaporate.” Wow.)

  14. It’s really hard for me to understand what folks find so threatening about families that are different than theirs. If a woman has a baby and lives with her mom and grandma and they’re all fine with that, what business is it of mine? Why must I feel any impetus to force her to get married?

    I mean, seriously, when my family starts in with how I should get married, it makes me want to puke. I can only imagine how gross it’d be to wade into the white conservative blogosphere and read about how I’m ruining America by not wrapping my cooter around one state-sanctioned penis for the rest of my life, starting right now. I wouldn’t like it if someone did it to me; I’m not going to do it to others.

  15. I’m ruining America by not wrapping my cooter around one state-sanctioned penis for the rest of my life

    bahahahahahah!! God, I love you, B.

  16. OK, completely skipping the whole ISSUE here and going directly to the answer song thing — in ’84 UTFO put out Roxanne, Roxanne, about some guys who wanted up the mythical Roxanne’s skirt, and she wouldn’t give them the time of day, and how the guys thought she was basically a stuck up wench. There was an answer song put out that same year, Roxanne’s Revenge, in which a young lady told them what idiots they were, and expounded on exactly WHY Roxanne wouldn’t give their nasty asses the time of day. It was pretty good as I remember, and put those men in their place, thinking she was just there for their entertainment, and there must be something “wrong” with her if she didn’t strip down on the spot for them.

    After that, I think it basically led to a “Roxanne war”, with all these answer songs flying back and forth, and there were legal charges and such. But the Revenge song, a lot of women liked it.

  17. guess I should’ve taken the time to actually read the commentary before commenting all willy nilly — Mark mentioned the Roxanne wars earlier up.

  18. nm wrote:

    It’s not an answer song, though, is it?

    Oh, sorry – I tuned out for, like, a whole day!

    Anyway, yeah, the way I’ve heard it is that it’s an answer song to some lesser-known Don McLean song, while most people think it’s an answer to “American Pie” but, wait… lemme see if I can find a reference. Ah, here: Empty Chairs.

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