I’ve been thinking a lot about y’all this weekend. Basically because I spent Friday evening and Sunday with some folks who just blew my mind, gave me so much to think about and mull over, and wonder about and be touched by and yet I didn’t breathe a word of it here.
I think there are a lot of ways that how I blog has changed. I feel like I blog a lot less about the Butcher because I was starting to realize that y’all thought he was kind of a dink, based on what I say about him (obviously, if you know him in real life, you’re entitled to your own opinion about his dinkiness). I mean, there are a handful of things that annoy me about the Butcher and a million things that I love. And I’d come here, vent, and get over my annoyance at him.
That was useful to me, but not fair to him, because y’all never got to see the cool stuff.
On the other hand, I’ve shared a lot of stuff with you guys over the years that had really allowed me to come to terms with some stuff and come into my own as an adult person.
I’m still sore over an incident this spring in which a friend got pissed at me because she thought I was airing our dirty laundry in public without coming to her first. I thought I was just venting about something I was being stupid about that wasn’t important enough to bother her with.
In the past few weeks, I’ve heard from people who have taken me to task for what I present and the ways in which I present it. I’m not trying to be passive aggressive by not mentioning their names. For the sake of this discussion, it doesn’t matter. What matters is how I feel about it.
And how I feel about it is that a lot of people have different ideas than I do about what’s appropriate and about whether they can attempt to hold me to their own standards and it ought to be obvious, to me, that we’re just having a disagreement.
But I’ve got to say that it sometimes knocks me off kilter.
Ugh. I don’t know. I feel like I’m not being very clear.
It’s just that I sense this change–whereas this used to be a blog whose audience was people I knew and then grew to be a blog whose audience also included people I hoped to know or could imagine knowing and I knew or learned, I think, how to understand that, we seem to have rounded another corner, where folks in the audience have expectations of me that I’m going to fail to meet–and it’s kind of scary for me.
There’s nothing to be done about it.
I just wanted to acknowledge that I feel like the dynamic has shifted again. I don’t know what to make of it, but it’ll be interesting to see.