In Which I Channel Charlemagne

Bill Hobbs asks: Will Europe Survive the 21st Century?  He then quotes a few lines from an essay with that same name:  “What would Charlemagne make of Europe today? …. How long, the Emperor would surely ask, can a civilization expect to survive without arms, without faith, without children?”

Well, you know, I hate to leave any such thoughtful conservative thinker like Hobbs wondering what Charlemagne would think of Europe today.

So, I have decided to call forth Charlemagne from the grave and ask.

“Ooo, Charlemagne, Charles the Great, King of the Franks, Uniter of Europe thirteen centuries ago, come forth and answer my questions.”

“Gehôri, got, gebet mîn, thenke te gebede mînin.”

“What?  Shit, I don’t speak Old Low Franconian.”

“Are you married, my lady?”

“You speak English?”

“My lady, if there’s any chance that I will be able to fuck a fine woman such as yourself… why look!  You must be over thirty and yet you have all of your teeth.  And your smell…. Come here!”

“Owe, don’t pull my hair.”

“But that smell… ”

“It’s just Pantene.”

“Is that a flower?”

“No, it’s a shampoo… a kind of soap just for your hair.”

“You have soap just for your hair?!  What a wonderous time!  Come, let’s fuck.”

“Wait, slow down there, big boy.”

“I am a large man, in all the proper places, if you know what I mean.”

“Yes, I can see that.  Please, wait, put your pants back on.”

“You’ve heard that I had five wives.”

“And five concubines.”

“Only five?  I had five concubines in each town I visited.”

“Um, okay, that’s nice.”

“I’m just saying, I know what to do with a woman such as yourself.”


“And I love feisty women.  Have you heard how I let my daughters carry on?”

“Can I ask you some questions for Bill Hobbs?”

“Did you know that some geneologists believe that every white person in the world can trace his or her family tree back to me or my men?”


“We really liked women back in my day and they were so ripe for the taking.  Much like you, my dear.  May I just cradle your tender breast in my hand?”

“No, you may not!  Let me ask you about Europe.”

“One tender kiss on this tired brow.  You give me that and I will answer your questions about Europe and this William of Lobbs.”

“William of Lobbs?  Oh, hee, Bill Hobbs.”

“Just one kiss.”

“Okay, just one.”

Sorry, Hobbs.  You can see I had the best of intentions, but did you know that Charlemagne is cultus confirmed?  He’s under the impression that he just needs to perform a certain number of miracles and he’ll be made a saint.

Let me just say, he’s got some skills that could be considered miraculous.

Tee hee.

13 thoughts on “In Which I Channel Charlemagne

  1. Hah! I thought you were trolling for me before, but now I’m sure of it. Or maybe Bill Hobbs is. If I can finish up what I need to do this morning, I will let you know what Charlemagne would have thought of the state of country music today. One hint: he would probably give Raul Malo an estate for his fine singing.

  2. While we’re busy asking ludicrous questions of historical figures, why not ask Pope Pius X what he thinks of the Cubs’ chances? Lucretia Borgia about the global future market? And let’s get Julius Caesar’s views on whether the Arctic Monkeys were a flash in the pan. And then let’s invent the answers we’d like them to give. And then we can all pull our chins and feel very smart because a lot of Famous Dead People agree with us.

    But your way is funnier.

  3. Would you believe that I once tried to channel Lucretia Borgia to ask her about the global futures market, but she, too, just wanted to fuck me? Very strange.

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  5. Aunt B, darlin’… I’m afraid you’re going to find that just about any historical figure you pull up, if s/he likes women, is going to want to fuck you. (And maybe a couple of the ones that don’t, just for the novelty of it. Being dead probably gives one a lot of time to reflect on things one might have wanted to try but never got around to trying.)

    I think it might have something to do with the heaving bosom. Everyone’s a sucker for a heaving bosom.

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  7. Hobbs’ proposition reminds me of that old Saturday Night Live skit which asked if World War 2 would have been shortened if Eleanor Roosevelt could fly.

    and after reading this interview/channeling, i think Charlemagne’ss first name should now be Randy.

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