Let Us Cross All Our Fingers

Okay, y’all, I have made some slight alterations to “Honey, I’m So Lonesome I Don’t Know What to Do” and sent it off to this here contest.

Why, yes, I do feel like throwing up a little bit.

But it’s cool.

I hope they like it.

Why It’s Hard to Talk on the Phone in My Bedroom

Look at her whiskers!  My favorite thing is to pet those whiskers right under her nose.  They’re all bristley like a walrus and if she’s not in the mood to have them pet, which she’s normally not, you get licked.

But if you’re on the phone and it sounds like you’re having a good time, giggling and talking all about the awesome press release you wrote or your concerns about your friend’s child’s evangelical Christian bent or how much fun strutty people are, she’s going to try to horn in on your conversation.

p.s. As the camera on my phone deteriorates, I must say that I think the pictures get more interesting.  Mrs. Wigglebottom almost looks like a painting.

My Internet Crush of the Week

Y’all, I cannot resist a person with swagger.  I just can’t.  And to watch Liz Garrigan walking all over the internet like she’s packing ten thick inches about does me in.

Please don’t think less of me, Brittney.

And, shoot, Liz, I probably wouldn’t last an hour under your “quality control,” but I’m willing to try.

In Other News

It is a sweaty armpit of a day out there.  Yuck.

But on my way to lunch, I realized something.

And here it is.

I come from a long line of unacknowledged assholes.  Even the folks who I’ve been convinced were the best folks on the planet, were, with the exception of my Grandpa Bob, kind of jerks.

Many of the questions of my existence have revolved around “If [person x] were so great, how could she or he have stood by while [person y] did [some stupid ass or atrocious thing]?”

Well, America, the truth is, they weren’t so great.

I don’t know why, but knowing that, really knowing it it my heart, feels like a massive weight has been lifted.  I can’t explain it, but there it is.  Really knowing that they weren’t so great is awesome.

They were just some people.  And they did some asshole things because they were kind of jerks.

So, there you go.

They also did some really awesome and very sweet things, too.

I don’t know.  Do you see what I’m saying?  I feel like I set something down that had been troubling me.

It’s not the most important epiphany in the history of the world, but it makes me happy.

Brief Programming Note

Though it’s not entirely clear what’s going on with my “horse,” I appear to have a new “horse.”  In many ways it resembles the old “horse” except that I’ve been given interesting and fun things to do with my “horse” today, which is very cool.

So, I guess I have switched “horses.”

But, knowing this place, maybe I haven’t.  I don’t know.

Ruining Rap for Young People

Nothing tickles me more than driving around with Mrs. Wigglebottom, rap music blaring.  We roll up to a stop sign and the first thing the young people here is our thudding bass and then they see the bad-ass pit bull and then they see the fat old white woman in the driver’s seat, singing along.

Ha, your music’s not so cool now, is it? 

And when I was your age, we had to walk both ways up hill in a dress and combat boots to listen to music that annoyed society at large, and we liked it.

Anyway, that’s what Dead Dad reminded me of today.  Azalea… tee hee.

Although, if I recall correctly, Ice-T did have a minor hit with “I Got More Money than God” with lyrics that went something like:

I got more money than God

I’m on the Law & Order squad

But don’t let that fool ya I’m still hard core

I’m carrying hand grenades when I walk out my door

Azaleas in bloom, my enemies go boom

Etc.

Ha, no, I just made that up.  As further part of my efforts to ruin rap for young people.

A Very Brief Quiz

Explain the difference between this:

Any person who—knowing or in reckless disregard of the fact that an alien has come to, entered, or remains in the United States in violation of law, conceals, harbors, or shields from detection, or attempts to conceal, harbor, or shield from detection, such alien in any place, including any building or any means of transportation; encourages or induces an alien to come to, enter, or reside in the United States, knowing or in reckless disregard of the fact that such coming to, entry, or residence is or will be in violation of law; or engages in any conspiracy to commit any of the preceding acts, or aids or abets the commission of any of the preceding acts, shall be punished as provided in subparagraph (B).  

And this:

And be it further enacted, That any person who shall harbor or conceal such fugitive, so as to prevent the discovery and arrest of such person, after notice or knowledge of the fact that such person was a fugitive from service or labor as aforesaid, shall, for either of said offences, be subject to a fine not exceeding one thousand dollars, and imprisonment not exceeding six months, by indictment and conviction before the District Court of the United States for the district in which such offence may have been committed, or before the proper court of criminal jurisdiction, if committed within any one of the organized Territories of the United States; and shall moreover forfeit and pay, by way of civil damages to the party injured by such illegal conduct, the sum of one thousand dollars for each fugitive so lost as aforesaid, to be recovered by action of debt, in any of the District or Territorial Courts aforesaid, within whose jurisdiction the said offence may have been committed.