Gentlemen, Help Me Understand

Dear Gentlemen,

Being a radical leftist feminist communist lesbian baby-killer, I mostly interact with men just to have sex with them so that I can abort the resulting pregnancies and laugh with all my girlfriends at how much their penises resembled tiny fungi while I vote Democrat and plot the overthrow of the Republican party here in Tennessee all while baking Egalia cakes shaped like yonis.  So, I don’t really understand y’all.

See, there’s this politician  here in Tennessee who’s going through some stuff and done something incredibly dumbass for which he probably needs to take some time off to either spend it in jail or getting his head on straight or both.  He’s a Democrat.

So, of course, the Republican bloggers are all gleeful about his downfall.  I understand that.

Here’s what I need help with.  Is David Oatney yanking his readers’ chains?

See, it’s just that I’m not sure how it works with Republicans.  With Democrats, if you want to sleep with someone, you either say, “Hey, seriously, I’d like to fuck you.  It’s all I can do to not fuck you right now and I think, by the way you’re looking at me, that you might want to fuck me, too, and, as it turns out, I’ve got some time right now.  What about you?” or you get drunk and flash them and hope they get the idea.

But Republicans have secret foot-taps and secret meth-addled hookers and secret meeting places and secret mistresses and secret secrets and so I’m just not sure if Oatney is attempting to make a legitimate point or if he’s sore that Briley never asked him out.

In the “attempting to make a legitimate point” column we have:

1.  Oatney’s married.

2.  Come on!  Campfield might be a dick, but he’s better looking than Briley.  If you were going to be sore about a state legislator refusing to play “cock fight” with you, wouldn’t you crush on Campfield long before Briley?

3.  Um, yeah, really all I have is those two.

In the “signaling to fellas ‘on the downlow'” column there’s:

1.  His objection to Briley’s “prudish” behavior.

2.  His favorable noting of another Democrat’s “being fond of mattresses.”

3.  His favorable noting of men who will take him out to dinner.

4.  And that’s it.

So, see, it’s entirely possible that Oatney wrote that whole column legitimately attempting to criticize Briley’s actions.  My mind could just be in the gutter.

But I don’t know!  What’s wrong with being “prudish”?

Perplexedly yours,


7 thoughts on “Gentlemen, Help Me Understand

  1. Never mind the Briley situation for a moment. I just want to know if Oatney is being facetious when he writes the following:

    When conservative leaders do things that are really wrong, conservatives call for their head

    Somehow, I doubt it.

  2. sure conservative leaders call for the heads of conservatives who’ve done something really wrong.

    like gay sex.

    they just don’t much bother with stuff that isn’t all that wrong, like wanton fiscal irresponsibility, starting pointless wars, using the bill of rights for toilet paper…

    unless maybe it’s being done by liberals. then it’d still count.

  3. You’d think he could get a better pull quote. The one from Egalia really doesn’t support his assertation at all.

    Tiny fungi???? Tiny??

  4. Hear, hear, NN. Dennis Perrin has more on that point. It ain’t about right and wrong; it’s about what you can smear your opponent with.
    W. I have read the Egalia post to which Oatney linked. There is nothing in it that supports his assertation. In his own post, Oatney offers no substantiation for his assertation. Just a lot of vague accusations of “some on the Left.”. To be honest, I wasn’t expecting much more. Methinks Oatney projects too much, but I’m betting his constituency would gobble it up without a skeptical thought.

  5. *Munch, munch, munch*

    I’m sorry, did you say something, W.? I was busy over here eating unbaptised babies in a light mushroom sauce. At least I assume they were mushrooms…

    The thing is, no matter what, when someone’s begging the police to shoot them, they are fucked up. Something is seriously wrong and taking such glee in it is just kind of weird and gross, I think.

  6. Pingback: Nashville is Talking » Briley arrest - discussion on the discussion

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