Today is the end of the third year of Tiny Cat Pants and the beginning of the fourth. It somehow seems like it’s been longer than that–so much has happened in that time, it’s almost hard to believe.
Of course, none of it would be possible without my awesome kick-ass readers, who are some of the smartest, sweetest, funniest, kindest people on the internet.
In your honor, I’ve decided to hold the first Tiny Cat Pants contest.
FATHER AUNT B.’S BABY!!!!
The Rules:
You collect the sperm of you or someone you think would make a suitable father for my baby, freeze it, and overnight it to me. I’ll put all the sperm together in one container and then, once thawed, artificially inseminate myself. If it takes, after nine months, I will deliver a baby you all can consider yourselves the the fathers of.
Everyone wins!
The Criteria
I need a baby who is dependable, forthright, and decisive. My baby will have to take on a lot of responsibilities rather quickly so he or she needs to be bright, preferably good at math, able to make a budget and stick to it, and, in a best case scenario, happy to clean and do the dishes. He or she will need to take responsibility at a young age for a lot of sweet but somewhat aimless and ridiculous people he or she feels tied to by love and blood.
We’re all about improving the gene pool in my family, folks, so carefully consider what kind of sperm you’ll send.
I’ll post pictures and mommy blog incessantly and you all can send $50 a week and presents when the mood strikes you. I promise to never make any effort to discover the identy of the father so that y’all may feel equally invested in Baby’s future.
The Benefits
I will have have someone to watch out for me and to help me during family crisises. I’ll also have guaranteed blogging material for the next however many years. You’d have something to read about and wouldn’t reading about a possible child of yours raise the stakes around here quite a bit?
Think it over.
Tiny Cat Pants 
This is probably a great idea, but the downside is that babies have to eat. Am I right on that one?
And they can’t drink beer from what I understand.
So, they can’t go clubbing or to protests, which if I lived in Nashville, I’d be at daily.
Although I tend to like babies (I have no maternal instincts and will not hold an infant because of that head-flopping/having to hold their heads when they first come out of the womb) I do think it would be great blog material.
But then it’s also putting my values (which are spotty according to some right-wing activist’s group) into a child’s mind. Some might frown on this.
Man, mothers rock, don’t they. I’m going to celebrate mothers right now.
Seriously.
Yes, but for the first year, the baby can nurse. Hell, I’ve heard that breast-feeding is a great way to lose weight. I might breastfeed that sucker until s/he’s five.
And think how awesome it would be when you and Squirrel Queen came to visit and Baby could drive our drunk asses from protest to protest?
Ooo. What a good idea! Folks, be thinking sperm from men with long legs.
@newscoma I’ve seen plenty of babies at protests, and I tend to agree with a comedian who said that toddlers are like tiny drunks, so I think we’re good. :)
Well, damn.
Me having that hysterctomy last year throws me out of the loop, but if you’re babies can drive our drunk asses around, I’m there.
Squirrel Queen can still breed and give us some babies as well.
A commune of babies driving us around.
Rachel, if I get to Nashville, I will be the protest queen.
Hmmm. We never did perfect that ‘bone marrow into sperm’ thing, so I can’t contribute. But we already have little B’niloquence and Marigold, so I suppose we’re okay. After all, isn’t it horribly greedy and selfish to have more than
twoone kid(s)? Even if they’re imaginary, they’re still creating carbon somehow.Happy Anniversary. I’d love to help with the big ‘project’, but any math beyond very basic algebra is beyond my capacity, and that budget bit…I suck at that too. I’d hate to dilute the pool!
You are the best
I’m torn. Clearly, the world would benefit enormously by having more of my DNA in circulation, but I normally command a very steep price for my semen. Plus, what with you having all that ethnic hair, we might just produce a human pomeranian. I need to think on this…
You’ve pretty much described my eight-year-old daughter. She’s also stylish, a good conversationalist, and road-tested when it comes to protests, academic lectures, and loving ridiculous people. In a short eight years, she will be ready to drive. Sounds like you’re not in the market for a baybee (too long to raise them up to usefulness), but for an older kid — like maybe one of the nephews.
I’ve got the supportin’ and raisin’ thing down pat, but using my seed for impregnation is like drinking O’Doul’s to get drunk.
We really do need science to figure out that whole bone marrow impregnation thing–I mean, if you combined the hair genes alone of B, ‘coma, and me, we’d get rich from selling the offspring’s magnificent locks to the wig industry.
(That’s all I have to offer. I suck at math.)
Happy blogiversary to a person and place that has taught me so much about people and other viewpoints I’d never considered before I came here.
Your hard work on Tiny Cat Pants is SO appreciated!
Wow. Delurking here to say for the first time ever in my life – I regret being a woman. Oh well. It will pass. Happy Blogiversary and keep on keepin’ on. I thoroughly enjoy your blog.
I sending monkey semen with my sample, ‘cuz I like pranks.
…please don’t ask why I have monkey semen…
I think S&F wins on the best, most bizarre happy blogiversary comment ever in the history of your third anniversary.
Monkey semen… Bwahaahaaa.
Darn, I’m so good at math and langauges, and I have beautiful hair. It’s such a shame that I’m menopausal. Happy blogoversary, B.
Did they ever work out that controversy about whether past LSD use by the parent can cause birth defects? We’re probably best to keep my swimmers out of circulation unless were sure. On the other hand, maybe it would cause one of the wicked-cool birth defects like pyrotelekinesis or something. Heck, if anyone’s sperm has a high probability of sprouting the first real X-Man, it’s gotta be mine.
I’m so enjoying this thread.
Jon, Heh. You got my vote as X-Man sperm donor.
You guys are amazing.
And, I’m laughing and delighted at the same time.
I love how soliciting the sperm of your male readers has elicited a “True Confessions” thread, as they state why their sperm may or may not be good candidates for the TCP gene pool. ;)
I don’t know if you can do it B. My wife found out that you aren’t supposed to drink beer when you breastfeed. It tends to make the babies drunk. It was a really bad day around the house when she realized it would be at least a year to year and a half before she could start drinking again.
I’d offer my help but I’m apparently pretty virile. You don’t want to end up with 2-3 in there.
Well damn. I knew I would regret that vasectomy one day. Here I have the chance to deliver some of the finest, grade A sperm this side of Thermopylae and, with the clearly superior chromosomes residing up inside Aunt B’s little cooter, create a new breed of super-protester, and the little guys are confined to my wrinkled old nutsack. Shit.