The “STFU About My Weight” Fairy

I like the idea of him squashing people with anvils, but the important question remains unanswered, which is, of course, if I put the squashed folks under my pillow, will the “STFU About My Weight” Fairy leave me a quarter?

And, if so, can I smoke it in good conscience with my current breathing problems?

20 thoughts on “The “STFU About My Weight” Fairy

  1. Most bars are by default part of a restaurant thanks to Tennessee’s insistence that in order to serve liquor by the drink your establishment must be:

    “A public place kept, used, maintained, advertised and held out to the public as a place where meals are served and where meals are actually and regularly served.”

    With the exception of of the meat market bars/clubs and a few hardcore watering holes, everywhere else is “all-ages”.

  2. If Sar is correct (and I’m not doubting him, I’ve just got the mind-bogglies), I will never understand the liquor laws in this state. Never. I understood them in Missouri. I understood them in New York. I can’t understand them here. They don’t make any sense, and I can’t avoid the whole question by getting wine shipped to me, either.

  3. The liquor and beer laws in this state aren’t meant to be understood. They are meant to boggle the mind with their utter stupidity.

    Exador’s state of residence is slightly more retarded, but not by much. At least he can buy wine in Kroger.

  4. It just kills me that you can’t buy wine in the grocery store here.

    The other thing that kills me is that the of-age customer can’t run their beer over the scanner at the grocery store when the Fetus Of The Day is ringing them up.

    Typical day at grocery store:

    I unload cart and put the beer at the front of the load. FotD sees beer, pushes it to side (using Fetal Logic) and rings up the rest of my load. FotD sees beer, calls for manager. I and five people behind me wait for “Scan on Aisle 3”

    Meanwhile, Back Home Again In Indiana the of-age customer is allowed to drag her beer across the scanner so no one has to wait.

    And in neither state is FotD corrupted by touching the icky cardboard in which the bottles of beer sit slowly leeching their sinfulness.

  5. I get it that if I’m all busy scratching my head trying to figure the laws out, I’m possibly not drinking, in which case the laws are acting as a deterrent. But what about when I give up in befuddlement and decide I need a drink to help me recover from the mental effort? I’m likely to end up totally sloshed.

    Missouri went from having complete and ridiculous blue laws to getting rid of them all and saying, in effect, “go wild!” Beer, wine, and liquor in the grocery store. Bars open as late as they like. Nothing to memorize. The craziest place is New Jersey, where you can buy wine and beer, but not liquor, at the grocery, but not on Sunday morning, and on Sunday morning the grocery stores are required to physically rope off the aisles where the alcohol is.

  6. As a new non-smoker, can I go to the Goldrush, smoke pot and bring the new Halloween heart that Squirrel Queen bought me today at Wal-mart.
    Damn.
    But, nonetheless, groovy.

    I’m going to drink beer. I’m of age, DAMMIT.
    Hee.

  7. Wait.. there are laws about this sort of thing? Color me confuzzled. Here, whatever you want to drink is here (minus things like absinthe, and even that’s not hard to get)… in a grocery store, liquor store, Target or BevMo. Whoever is working the register can ring it up for you. They might card you, but many places are rather lax about that too, no matter how many stickers they have stating that they card anyone who looks under 27.

    Although I don’t drink much now, and didn’t really drink at all before I met Breviloquence, I can’t count the number of times between the ages of 15 and 21 where they handed me the wine list at a place (usually alone, or with slightly older friends) and then looked boggled when I didn’t order something or said “No thanks, I don’t drink.” And I still haven’t been carded for actually buying alcohol. Carded to get into Dave & Busters, yes. Carded to actually buy anything anywhere, not so much. This is likely because I haven’t looked my age in a while, but seriously, folks. It can’t possibly be that hard to tell.

  8. if I put the squashed folks under my pillow, will the “STFU About My Weight” Fairy leave me a quarter?

    Sammo Hung leaves nothing but happy after glows, and takes nothing but no bullshit from uppity hong kong gangsters.

    I get it that if I’m all busy scratching my head trying to figure the laws out, I’m possibly not drinking, in which case the laws are acting as a deterrent.

    Actually, the trick is to remember that as most of the alchohol laws were made by prohibitionists and so make far more sense after a six-pack breakfast followed by a vodka brunch.

  9. Georgia too, NM. Worst protected market laws ever. I had a liquor license there, and it infuriated me that I had to buy from only certain dealers, and then only certain products. One dealer never sent a rep, so I used to buy from a store across the road, which, while illegal as hell, was better than me not having Crown Royal on hand on paydays, considering it was by far my most called for brand.

    And the morons mixed it with coke. Thats where the law should step in.

  10. Don’t even get me started on Crown & coke as the official drink of rural Tennessee meatheads.

    The way the crooked liquor wholesalers work here is exactly the same way. From my bar running days, I remember there being one distributor who only carried one item that I stocked and didn’t really sell a lot of. But, in order to call yourself a bar, you have to keep some items, like Galliano or B&B just in case. They never sent a rep, either. I just ordered a case that would last for months and months.

    Hell, it was the mid-nineties before you could get Guinness or Harp on tap because the beer lobbyists had made sure that only domestic kegs could be sold in Tennessee.

  11. You are all lucky to have beer available. I have lived in several towns in Texas where the entire county was dry so you had to drive 15-60 miles to buy alcohol. In Tuscaloosa, AL when I went to school there you could not buy any alcohol on Sunday and the grocery lanes are roped off. One implication of “no Sunday alcohol” is there is no Pro football watching in the bars. They are all closed on Sunday. Of course as a state Al doesn’t watch pro football but a whole lot of bar/restaurant owners had to close down when the law went into effect.

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