My Worst Qualities

I think my worst quality is actually two-fold.  One is the fairly harmless yet unflattering belief that I’m secretly smarter than just about everyone (with the exception of you, dear readers), but the other fold is the belief that, because I’m smarter than just about everyone, it’s okay for me to manipulate folks.

I really hate that about me and I work very, very hard to not do that.

I’m still bossy, don’t get me wrong, which is a quality about myself I’m kind of ambivalent about.  But I try to be openly bossy so that folks can see what I’m up to and decide whether or not they want to tell me to fuck off.

Still, I have to tell you that the smug belief that I should be sitting in the background quietly pulling strings is one I kind of battle with frequently.

…well, shit, this post has turned out to be a rougher one to get through than I thought it would be when starting out…

It’s funny because I am, in general, very uncertain in public, in large groups, and I feel like I have a hard time really accurately judging what’s going on and whether people are enjoying talking to me and so forth.

And one would think that you couldn’t be both of those things at the same time–sure you had everyone figured out and scared that you had no idea what was going on.

But there you go.

My other worst quality is that I have a hard time separating my feelings about myself from my feelings about others.  So, you could be a perfectly nice person, but if you make me feel insecure or jealous or like an outsider, I kind of hate you.

Which, again, is ridiculous.  And I try to recognize that when it comes up and see it for what it is and just get the fuck over it.

I imagine it’s like this.  You are on a boat and your life–a happy life–is the big lake you could spend 80 years exploring.  But the shitty things about you are loops on the rope that keep you attached to the pier.  It’s possible to drag the pier behind you, but damn, talk about a lot of work!  Far better to leave the pier attached to shore and for you to unfasten yourself as much as possible from the dock, when you discover that you’re still wrapped to it.

Still, it’s work and it kind of sucks.  But it’s necessary work, I think.

I had a point.  I don’t remember what it was for sure.  Just that I’m feeling petty and jealous of other folks for no good reason and that I’d like to just get the fuck over it and on with life.

4 thoughts on “My Worst Qualities

  1. Yep, it just seems like some days are all done with the ease and grace of the Pirates of Penzance and other days, you’re the Volga Boatmen.

  2. But even the Volga Boatmen can provide entertainment, when viewed properly. My old gang in St. Louis had a birthday song based on it:

    Happy birthday
    Happy birthday
    People dying, children crying
    Happy birthday

    followed by a bit of fancy footwork carried out by a line of good-looking guys in a belt-hold, ending with a resounding smack of al their feet on the floor in unison. This may not be effective for everyone, but I always enjoyed it immensely.

    Or, maybe, just knowing that being able to do this work is part of being human. That it’s something we get to do, not just a burden.

  3. Hunh. Both of those things are things that are true for me.

    Of the first one, well… I’ve come to the point where I tend to believe that much of what people decry as manipulation is what most people do all the time, consciously or unconsciously. I used to get a lot of shit from some people who were very close to me because I thought about conversations, and how I’d say things, and how people would react to that. They were quite insistent that any sort of forethought was equivalent to deliberate and malicious manipulation of the conversation and the people in it.

    That’s… just not true. Even in the dilute form of “doing or saying things with the thought in mind of actively shaping how things come out,” it’s just not.

    Being upfront about the bossiness is good, because being upfront about things in general is good. Making your thought processes and arguments transparent (‘I think this, and I know because of this, so therefore you should do this’) is also good for the same reason. But having those thought processes, and acting on them… isn’t bad.

    As for the second thing, well… if you ever manage to find a way to untie yourself, let me know. In the meantime, I think I’ll work on my macrame skills. At least they’ll be pretty knots. ;)

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