When At Malia’s, Always Eat the Chocolate Cake

Malia had a bunch of folk over for a spa night last night and there was chocolate cake.  Oh, sweet chocolate cake. 

And there were these neck things, like giant, heavy u-shaped warm… well, I guess I don’t need “like” in there because I can’t come up with a metaphor.  That’s what they were. 

I felt a little dorky because my beauty regime consists of washing my face, putting on lotion, and slapping on eyeliner on days when I might see someone cute.

I played it cool, but I was intimidated as hell by all the spa treatments we got.  There were toners and lotions and dead sea salty things and margarita rubs and exfoliation do-hickies and lip masks and balms and eye puffy removers and such and I was just like, “Holy shit, I don’t know what any of this stuff is nor when nor where I should use it on me.”

It was cool, though.  I got to scrub and pat and soak and I did come out feeling refreshed and like I’d learned a little something, the most important lesson of which is, if you ever, ever have a chance to eat chocolate cake at Malia’s, you should take it.

Bring me one of those hot neck thingies, a face mask that is self-warming and smells like peppermint, and some chocolate cake and I don’t think there’s a problem in the world I could not ignore for at least the time it took me to eat the chocolate cake.

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Addressing an Urban Myth about Pit Bulls

While it’s true that having a pit bull strapped to you will deter some panhandlers from approaching you, I can’t recommend their use in this manner (no matter how tempting it is after reading this thread).

First, these are breeds that average between 40 and 70 pounds (with some mixes hitting the century mark).  If you have a bad back, strapping a pit bull to you is going to do you in.

Second, these tend to be very affectionate breeds.  Depending on how you work the harness, having their face next to your face all day is going to mean a day full of dog kisses.

Third, there seems to be little scientific consense about whether it is better to carry the dog with its back to your belly or its front.  If you can work it, it’s probably better to carry it facing you, but, if you’re using it to deter folks from approaching you, it probably needs to be feet and belly out.

And fourth, and most importantly, if you have a dog strapped to you, how are you going to keep it from eating your fries?  Every arm movement from the table to your mouth must go right by its mouth.

So, no, I can’t recommend the use of these dogs in this manner

It does make you wonder, though, just how bad is the pan handling problem in this chick’s neighborhood?

The Two-Cat Riot

If you have cats, you know the wisdom of being on the lookout for out of the ordinary behavior like being loving, looking at you in the face like you’re the most extraordinary thing they’ve ever seen, and walking right by your side, again, in a caring manner, while you come downstairs.

This can never lead to anything good.

In my case, this morning, it lead to my kitchen, which, apparently, was the scene of the before-mentioned two-cat riot.  Mail was all over the floor.  Someone was standing in the empty food bowl screaming, someone else changed from his previously loving manner into trying to trip and kill me and then, once they saw they had my attention, they both jumped on the mail and began to shred it all while meowing at me.

Let’s just leave aside that the amount of work they did to coordinate their efforts to let me know how displeased they were by the state of their food bowl was easily more than the effort it would have taken to get into the open food bag not three feet from them and to get their own damn food.

My point is that I fed them, which, in retrospect was probably a mistake, because, then when I was eating my cereal, they both sat at my feet menacingly meowing until I got weirded out and put the bowl down where they could lick out the little milk from the bottom.

Clearly, they have figured out that they can bully me into giving them things.