I think the going opinion is that it couldn’t be done; you couldn’t have a sex advice column geared to Nashvillians and other Middle Tennesseans. I’m not so sure that it couldn’t be done. I’m just not sure how long a life it could possibly have. It seems to me that there are probably only three basic types of questions Nashvillians would ask a total stranger about sex and once you cover those, there’s not much more folks would share.
Those questions are:
1. Where do I put my eyes?
“When driving around Musica, is it worse to look at the naked people and thus see, you know, naked people who are not my spouse, or to not look and never know what the fuss is about?”
“I think I saw my pastor’s car parked outside of the Hollywood Hustler. Should I have slowed down to take a closer look? And, if it is him, what do I say to him at church on Sunday?”
“My neighbor sometimes takes her pitbull out in the morning wearing nothing but her nightie and some really crappy sandals. When she says ‘Hello’ is it okay for me to check out her tits?”
2. Can this make me gay?
“I refuse to have a prostate exam because I don’t want anything up my ass, because, what if I get turned on? Will that mean I’m gay?”
“My wife stuck her finger up my ass while she was giving me a blow job and it was so awesome. Does that make me gay?”
“Sometimes, I look at the penises on the Musica statue. Can that turn me gay?”
3. Who is it okay for me to heap scorn on in public?
“My church group often protests outside the Hollywood Hustler. When the clerks there come out to bring us water or to ask us if we’d like to use their restrooms, is it more appropriate to call them sinners who will burn in Hell before we take the water or after?”
“My neighbor is a whore. She’ll sleep with anyone. Shoot, I’ve even slept with her a couple times. I think having her around is a bad influence on my kids, but, if I call her a filthy whore in front of my kids, what if she tells them about what I did with her?
“I am a bleeding heart liberal gay man. I only sleep with straight Republicans. How can they fuck me and still be so homophobic? I have half a mind to go into his office and tell everyone what a hypocritical cocksucker he is. Is that so wrong?”
See? Once you’ve covered that stuff, what’s left?
Edited to Add: El gato is completely right. I forgot the fourth type of question:
4. I do this, but I’m still a virgin, right? Because, I signed a pledge.