What Would a Sex Advice Column in Nashville Look Like?

I think the going opinion is that it couldn’t be done; you couldn’t have a sex advice column geared to Nashvillians and other Middle Tennesseans.  I’m not so sure that it couldn’t be done.  I’m just not sure how long a life it could possibly have.  It seems to me that there are probably only three basic types of questions Nashvillians would ask a total stranger about sex and once you cover those, there’s not much more folks would share.

Those questions are:

1.  Where do I put my eyes?

“When driving around Musica, is it worse to look at the naked people and thus see, you know, naked people who are not my spouse, or to not look and never know what the fuss is about?”

“I think I saw my pastor’s car parked outside of the Hollywood Hustler.  Should I have slowed down to take a closer look?  And, if it is him, what do I say to him at church on Sunday?”

“My neighbor sometimes takes her pitbull out in the morning wearing nothing but her nightie and some really crappy sandals.  When she says ‘Hello’ is it okay for me to check out her tits?”

2.  Can this make me gay?

“I refuse to have a prostate exam because I don’t want anything up my ass, because, what if I get turned on?  Will that mean I’m gay?”

“My wife stuck her finger up my ass while she was giving me a blow job and it was so awesome.  Does that make me gay?”

“Sometimes, I look at the penises on the Musica statue.  Can that turn me gay?”

3.  Who is it okay for me to heap scorn on in public?

“My church group often protests outside the Hollywood Hustler.  When the clerks there come out to bring us water or to ask us if we’d like to use their restrooms, is it more appropriate to call them sinners who will burn in Hell before we take the water or after?”

“My neighbor is a whore.  She’ll sleep with anyone.  Shoot, I’ve even slept with her a couple times.  I think having her around is a bad influence on my kids, but, if I call her a filthy whore in front of my kids, what if she tells them about what I did with her?

“I am a bleeding heart liberal gay man.  I only sleep with straight Republicans.  How can they fuck me and still be so homophobic?  I have half a mind to go into his office and tell everyone what a hypocritical cocksucker he is.  Is that so wrong?”

See?  Once you’ve covered that stuff, what’s left?

Edited to Add:  El gato is completely right.  I forgot the fourth type of question:

4.  I do this, but I’m still a virgin, right?  Because, I signed a pledge.

10 thoughts on “What Would a Sex Advice Column in Nashville Look Like?

  1. Oh, I bet there are tons more questions that Nashvillians are dying to ask. Bodies are kept such secrets, you know? From my brief stint with the sexblog Sex Calumny (which I swear I will get running again someday), I felt that most of the questions leaned toward “Is this normal? What SHOULD I be doing?” and most of the comments after the advice leaned toward “Really? I thought everybody/nobody in the world was just like me!” So much to learn.

    Another issue, though, is how long a column would be allowed to run specific, helpful, and sex-positive answers to such questions.

  2. You forgot…

    “I signed one of those abstinence pledges, then my boyfriend/girlfriend & I had anal sex. Am I still a virgin?”

  3. Y’all have me thinking that there’s a great country music song in this little line of thought. I would call it “It’s only sinning if we’re sober.”

    Tanglethis, I think you’ve hit on exactly the problem. In all seriousness, I’m not sure how long a column that answered questions in a sex-positive manner could run. I think the backlash would be enormous.

    El gato, brilliant. I have added it to the list.

  4. One more:

    “Is it better to never mention sex to my kids and pretend they don’t need to know anything until they’re 20, or come right out and tell them it’s something they’ll go to hell for?”

    Oh, and, “I’m getting married so I can get it on, but I’m confused about how to stop feeling like this is a dirty, shameful thing only stupid bad girls do. Will my fairy godmother explain it on my wedding night?”

  5. > Is it better to never mention sex to my kids and pretend they don’t need to know anything until they’re 20

    The night before my mother’s wedding, her mother sat down with her and asked, “Is there anything you need to know?” Several hours later my mother figured out that this question was supposed to be related to sex. THAT was her mother’s idea of “the talk”. Holy shit.

    Anyone who says that sex education should be the sole purview of the parents, deserves a really painful and/or lifelong STD. Even if these advocates are gonna do a really great job with their kids, they need to realize that not every household works that way.

  6. indifferent children, my grandmother was taught that she could get pregnant by seeing a naked man. When she got married, she thought they should sleep with their clothes on, just in case.

  7. Rachel, you should totally do a sex column at Music City Bloggers! You’d be perfect for it, because you have a great attitude, deep compassion, a big brain, and you can find out anything!

  8. Oooo, yes. You would be good at that, Rachel. Carrying on with the current theme over at MCB, I suggest that you title your first column “Don’t Talk To Me About Sex”. I think it would be instructive to get first-person testimonies about what actually happens when parents pursue the “lalala, don’t ask, don’t tell, don’t do it” policy. (Fair and balanced and whatall.) I promise I’ll contribute.

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