Feb 20

I Looked. I Regret It.

Why did I look?  Because some small part of me wants to believe that having sex with a rock star who claims to have had sex with thousands of people would be something.  I don’t know what that something would be, but I didn’t imagine it would involve something that starts out so very perfunctory and almost sad.  I don’t know.  I guess, in your heart, you know it can’t be much different that what the rest of us do, but I still held out hope that it would be… I don’t know… at least hot.

I watched the promo and couldn’t even be bothered to watch the whole thing.

Some folks are shaming Simmons for “cheating” on his family.

I’d like to shame Simmons for being so goddamned ordinary.

Gene Simmons, Rock Star, fucking away to “I Want To Know What Love Is” by Foreigner.

I shake my head.

Do I even have to tell you that this link is not safe for most circumstances?

39 thoughts on “I Looked. I Regret It.”

  2. I know! It’s Gene Simmons, for gods’ sake. The fact that there’s not even a suggestion of him going down on her makes me want to sue him for false advertising.

  4. Gene Simmons, Rock Star, fucking away to “I Want To Know What Love Is” by Foreigner.

    Oh, puke.

    I’m developing a theory that celebs actually have worse sex than the rest of us. But then I’m still smarting from the disappointment that was the “sex” in the Starr Report. As DH snarked then, “Large man of large appetites, indeed.”

  7. Lesley,

    For the sake of your cooterial happiness, I should tell you that you might want to watch the trailer, just so you can see that, no matter what you and the BF2.0 are doing in bed, it’s got to be much happier than that.

    KCB, I know!

    Jeff Beck. Really? Hmm.

  8. For real, Aunt B…that was boring as hell!

    I feel like a porn star after watching that.

    Hey! That’s another marketing angle for the video…watch Mr. Rock Star and feel better about your own sex life!!!

  9. Ack! My eyes!!!!!!!

    And honestly, I’ve had a more exciting time when I was drunk and not even trying.

    Those 4,000 women should organize and get together a class action lawsuit.

  10. I’ve no particular desire to see it myself. But to me the *really* distressing news is that Gene Simmons listens to Foreigner.

  11. I remember hearing a quote from Marilyn Monroe, that talked about how her husbands/lovers always had this huge buildup about what sex with her was going to be like, but she still “had the same parts as everybody else”.
    It was sad.

  14. I feel sorriest for his kids and Shannon. I watched a few episodes of the “Family Jewels” reality TV series they were all in and they seem like they have a pretty decent caring home life and the kids seem like cool kids. It’s got to be embarrassing enough that your very much aging rock star dad has the reputation of having slept with so many women anyway, but to have proof on film that he’s sleeping with women his kids’ age and cheating on their mother… ugh.

  16. So I’m guessing it wasn’t her bodacious tatas that attracted him. I think Gene Simmons was turned on by her stackalicious flip flops.
    It’s a shoe thing.
    Also, let me add, one great big Ewww.

  17. Lee, I have to say, I’ve been giving it some thought and, if he had put on the make-up and nothing else about the tape changed, it would have been one million percent better.

    Also, yes, she has large tits, which both of them, weirdly enough, seem uninterested in touching.

    But maybe that’s just my thing…

  19. I’m just stunned that all these people felt obliged to go watch that. Seriously, its a little bit weird to me. But what is weirder to me is that people then feel obliged to critique it.

    This is one of the worst parts about the internet. At least we all get to feign disgust. EWWWWWW.

    The outrage, IMO. should be that someone posted this to the web in the first place. Klassy.

  20. Hey, some of us neither watched it nor critiqued it. I just like to throw in my Jeff Beck trivia any time I can, because it’s such an odd little bit of information.

  21. Come on. He’s the one running around the world bragging about bagging 4,000 women, talking about how sex is a sport for him. So, sports stars get critiqued on technique, even by folks who aren’t ever going to get on the field. You don’t see anything wrong or weird about that? So, what’s wrong or weird about critiquing him on his form and technique?

  22. I’m willing to feel bad about a lot of stuff. I’m not going to feel bad about taking a little satisfaction in knowing that Gene Simmons is as bad in bed as the rest of us.

  23. Oh, wait, or is this one of the things that makes me scary to men? If so, then I revise my post and say that Simmons has a marvelous penis and I’m in awe of his ability to wield it.

  24. “Simmons has a marvelous penis and I’m in awe of his ability to wield it.”

    You mean that there is
    No place for hidin’ baby,
    No place to run,
    You pull the trigger of his,
    Love gun… love gun

    Just to get that image and the Foreigner out of my brain, I had to go to YouTube and watch this.

    I feel better now.

  26. I am not gonna watch it cause I’m not in the mood to throw up but I want to know…does he do that most irritating little dance move he does all the time? You know…hands in the air, boom-boom-boom?

    Anybody who ever thought their parents embarrassed them should just take a second and think about Nick and Sophie!!!

  27. I’m just stunned that all these people felt obliged to go watch that.

    I am with Don Coyote.

    I love y’all all passionately, and you are all brilliant, good-smelling and with exceptional good taste, but good lordamighty, who would want to see Gene Simmons having sex? Seriously. I couldn’t even watch the commercials for Apprentice when he was on there. I’ve long said you couldn’t pay me to be in a room with the man without a hazmat suit on; I imagine his dear lady (what is her name?) just keeps a refrigerator full of penicillin and syringes handy.

    And of course Baby Fishmouth’s daddy has “Rock and Roll All Night” as his ringtone and is teaching her all the Kiss Klassiks. He wanted to dress her up as Gene Simmons last year for Halloween.

    Baby Fishmouth said, “Ew, Daddy, no. I just like they music.”

  28. I looked because I wanted to. That doesn’t make me feel one bit ashamed.
    I wanted to see what boring sex looks like. I have only ever had one sex partner and I have no idea what regular nonporn sex looks like when it involves other people. With everyone here saying how boring it was I wanted to see what passes for ‘boring ‘ sex in everyone elses world. Fortunately it looked nothing like my own sex life.

  29. Well, ok, upon re-reading what I said, I think I may have come across as judgemental. Sorry.

    I am just sick over the time spent by people watching horribly invasive video on the web. I didn’t watch the Paris Hilton video, or, long ago, the Pam Anderson video. I just think it panders to the worst in us…and there is way too much of it. I don’t care for it one bit. I have NEVER taken satisfaction over the humiliation of another human being.

    Thats me, your mileage may vary. Rock on.

  30. Wait a minute. I may have a larger point to make. Sex, under almost any circumstance, isn’t a pretty thing to watch. Absent a director, and a first rate lighting tech, most of us would look either somewhat sad or at least pretty comical “in the act.” So whats with the “I almost threw up” theme being pushed here? Is it disgust over an infidelity? Is it really about form and style? Or is it, as I suspect, yet another opportunity to feel holier than thou?

    Come to think of it…I guess I am being judgemental. I’ll shut up now.

  32. Absent a director, and a first rate lighting tech,

    What part of that did you miss? I have no problem with porn. Yes, I have seen my share. It isn’t close to the same.

  33. What part of that did you miss?

    I didn’t miss a damn part of it…

    In my opinion, I don’t think lighting and a director have anything to do with your previous comments.

    I am just sick over the time spent by people watching horribly invasive video on the web.

    Do you not think that any of the porn you have enjoyed your share of didn’t have some invasive element to some of the women taking part in the “performance”?

    …what is weirder to me is that people then feel obliged to critique it.

    Do you not think most people watch people having sex to critique their own way of doing it? Gene Simmons has built his entire image on bragging about his sexual prowess…he made his bed.

    I see nothing wrong with being curious about all of his hype. It’s human nature.

  34. I looked, just now after reading comments that made me think I had to be informed to contribute. Like Mack, I’m a little confused. It’s the EEWWW that I don’t get. I see that it is a letdown in a variety of ways, especially given some people’s expectations. But it’s no more or less disgusting than any other video of vanilla sex. Although if I knew there was a camera, I’d put on a little more of a show.

    But, B, couldn’t this actually indicate that you’re not at all bad in bed, that you have expectations that cannot be met by yourself or others and if you can learn what sex is possible, then you too can be successful?

    I don’t much like porn, but when I do it is regular stuff. The fantasy stuff that is only availble with lighting and directors scares me more than inspires me. It’s never really ALL about deep love or ALL about skilled acrobatics. Reality is some of both, or none of the love.

  35. maybe more to the point, when I hear of a man bragging about 4000 women, I don’t think that implies he’s a good lover at all. First, that means he has very few “repeat customers.” Second, it implies he doesn’t have his partner’s pleasure at the top of his list of things to keep in mind.

  37. This thread is a weird thing to me and I can’t figure out exactly why it’s bothering me, but it is. I don’t see anything wrong with being curious about what Simmons is like in bed. He’s spent most of my life bragging about his prowess and here’s a chance to see if the legend is true.

    I don’t think I’m engaging in “holier than thou-ism.” And I kind of resent the implication. I don’t think he’s doing anything wrong. I’m not passing some moral judgment on his behavior. I’m saying it’s sad to learn that a man I hoped strutted into every bedroom in full makeup and platform shoes that look like fangs and enjoyed fucking women until they about can’t stand it turns out to be the kind of guy who finds anything remotely erotic about a room full of candles and “I want to know what love is” playing in the background. Neither of them even looks interested.

    I find that curious and kind of sad. Not because I think I’m better than him, but because I’d hoped for more from him.

    Second, I don’t think that I’m unsuccessful in bed. I’m often unsuccessful about getting people to bed. And I worry, like any host should, that I could be doing more to make my guests comfortable. But I’ve never had any complaints.

    My insecurities are just that: insecurities.

    Forget it. This is making me feel angry and exposed and I don’t like it so fuck it.

    If you don’t want to watch it, don’t watch it. If you want to think less of the people who did watch it, fine. But as far as I’m concerned, the discussion is over.

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