Return to Paranormal State

Did you ever see a TV show so bad that you thought, “Who in the world is stupid enough to watch this shit?” 

I feel that way about Paranormal State and yet, I must tell you, America, it’s me.  I’m watching it.

I don’t know why.

It’s terrible.  I mean, really, terrible. 

If you have a problem with ghosts in your house, you would literally be better off to do exactly the opposite of everything they do on that show–and yet (or maybe because of that) I cannot turn away.

Last night’s episode saw them wandering around a haunted old insane asylum with a dude who had what they call a “Frank’s Box” which was some kind of radio receiver that supposedly fed the signal back in on itself and through which they could hear the voices of the dead.

No!  Don’t think too hard about how a radio might produce voices.  Argh.  It’s too late, isn’t it?  You thought about it.

Anyway, this week again there was a demon and this week again I was cheering for the demon. 

First, because the demon stopped the Frank’s Box from working, and, really, ten minutes of static and playing “pretend we all heard audible complete phrases out of that noise” was more than even I can take and I’m not a minion of Hell.  Second, because it brought that Warren woman and any time she shows up I get the giggles.  If she walked in to just one place and said, “Nope, not feeling a single evil thing,” I think I would faint in surprise.

But, most importantly, the demon possessed the Christian medium…

And just for a second, can we talk about this?  I have no doubt that there are Christian people with spiritual gifts and I have no doubt that this gift may often include receiving messages from spirits.

But I also think that it’s pretty clear that the Bible frowns on consulting with spirits.  And so, if you’re going to call yourself a “Christian Medium,” you’ve got a little theological problem.  I think there are ways around it.  You might, for instance, believe that it’s okay to open yourself up to messages from the dead, especially to help them achieve some goal they can’t rest without achieving (so being a psychic detective might be okay).  And you might draw the line a little closer, saying that you accept messages that kind of find you, but you don’t put yourself in situations in which you are looking for those messages.

And, hell, maybe you even just go for being a Christian who consorts with the dead.  But, if you’re going to do that, I kind of want to know how you came to the understanding that it was okay.

Of course, no hint of that from Chip, the Christian Medium on Paranormal State.

Where were we?

Oh, the demon.  Yes, so the demon possesses Chip and then, in what is clearly the highlight of the season so far, the demon/Chip yells “fuck you” at the director dude, who doesn’t even flinch, and then the Warren chick slaps Chip!

Okay, it wasn’t high drama, but it was certainly the best thing to happen on this show.

And then, I thought they were going to get all of the investigators together to “raise a cone of power” or some such other almost Golden Dawn nonsense, but it turned out that everyone just had to sit around and watch Director Dude, Chip, and Warren “open a vortex” so that the spirits could pass through.  That amounted to them holding hands and demanding that the spirits basically have the balls enough to leave.  Because nothing says “Go into the light, go to a better place.  Escape the demon that’s tormenting you and ascend into Heaven.” like open hostility.

I swear, that show’s motto should be “The Least Amount of Good with the Most Amount of Idiocy.”

19 thoughts on “Return to Paranormal State

  1. I tried. I really did. But I couldn’t make it past the 10 minutes of the one time I tried to watch it.

    It really seems like someone took a few pages out of a early-1960s dime novel about the paranormal, ran it through a few episodes of Scooby-Doo and listened to a few Jimmy Page riffs in order to come up with Mysticishness For TeeVee.

  2. Have you seen the one where the pack rat family’s trailer is haunted? Fodder for days.

    Which is the one with the big eyed, blonde, British lady and the gay medium? I love that one.

  3. This show makes me laugh. You are so right. If you have a ghost, just give it a ghostini with a lime and don’t call the guys at Paranormal State.

    I watch it every week. :) I also watch Celebrity Rehab for some God forsaken reason. (I think I have a crush on Dr. Drew which is surprising to me.)

  4. This show causes me to yell at my t.v. So far, it has no effect but with the help of Frank’s Box, someday they just might hear me.

    Maybe they should bring Bob Larson in, to help with Chip’s easily possessible mental state. Watching him smack Chip with the “sword of the spirit” (bible) would be fantastic.

  5. I laughed really hard when I read this! I hate Paranormal State. I love and usually watch Ghost Hunters and now Ghost Hunters International, so I thought I’d like Paranormal State when I first saw commercials for it. I didn’t realize the team member who annoys me the most on Ghost Hunters International was originally a client on Paranomal State.

  6. Paranormal State is the worst show on TV. It is so lame I can’t believe it. They can’t be bothered to even make it *seem* like something is happening, like Most Haunted does!! It cracks me up. None of them have any charisma, any spark of intelligence, any passion, not even a sense of humor. They’re all so incredibly dull, I think they bore the ghosts and demons away! Tonight they went searching for Moth Man in the woods of West Virginia in the middle of the night, and all they found was some geese. It was great.

  7. I praise them for actually helping people out of the camera (they were helping people before they started on A&E with paranormal state) And i used to watch the Celebrity paranormal project just for laughs, MAN can they act :)

  8. You make a show then. Oh wait your just some retard that sits around with criticism about everything they dont know about and wants people to agree with you via internet so you fell cool. Guess what, your not. The show is alot better than any piece of crap your ignorant life could cook up. So do peopkle a favor and don’t watch it and shut the hell up.

  9. Okkk, Seriously – I cannot watch this show, without getting extremely annoyed, almost angry @ points. It’s ridiculous and the fact that they use Catholosism as what rids these spirits, There’s something un-settling about either the message, or the way they are delivering this message. Propoganda for the church much?? what about how it always sounds like Ryan’s talking into a radio, SOOOOOOO LAME. man I’ve tried multiple occasions, and more times than I’d like to admit to watch this crap. Same Message every week, I love how the demons possess places that are in violation of Catholic views. and that there’s never any hard evidence – Fake noises, the whole deal. I seriously would not piss this show out if it were on fire.

  10. Anyone who believes the Warrens were the experts on the paranormal, needs to read some Holtzer in the days when he investigated hauntings with white witch Sybil Leek. Perhaps Ryan Buell needs a good confession, and say three our fathers. Large smile demons are a product of early trauma, caused by the inculturation of the Cathloic religion. Forget the coronas on the beach Ryan and go into politics.

  11. The television show in question IS by far the WORST! If anything does happen – someone always appears to be in front of the camera. Which leaves the question, was it a ghost or the actors making something move? I’d rather watch barney telling me he loves me. I can’t believe they pay for this crap to be aired. Seriously, can you just turn the knife already!?

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