See, It’s Okay Because They’re Only Talking About Folks from the Holler, Not Everybody from West Virginia

Yes, it’s true, the Appalachians are full of quaint little hollers filled with deformed blind witches and inbred abnormalities due to all the incest.  And what’s even scarier is that they don’t have the cable tv or the internet or radios or even phonographs.  Why, they don’t even know there’s an outside world, except when some Hollywood beauty comes through to be summarily either worshipped or defiled or eaten or some combination of the three.

Why, I remember when Bill Monroe first came to town.  They had to put him out on the Opry stage three days early just to let him acclimate and even then, he’d be interupting his songs to beat his wife or fuck his cousin or get drunk on the moonshine.  Don’t even get me started on Earl Scruggs.  That man still calls all the guys he sees “Son” and all the girls he sees “Darlin'” because he’s in awe and confused by all the different names in the world.

I, myself, just to be safe, carry a stick so that I can protect myself from all the hillbillies ’round these parts.  I’ll beat a hillbilly.  Shoot, I’ll beat a Bill or a William just to be on the safe side.

9 thoughts on “See, It’s Okay Because They’re Only Talking About Folks from the Holler, Not Everybody from West Virginia

  1. Scruggs is from Shelby, NC and Monroe was from Rosine, KY. However, I guess it doesn’t matter — a holler’s a holler. They just want someone named Cletus with most of his teefs; this ignernt backwoods sumbitch don’t have to be from West Virginny.

  2. Hmmmm. My family lived in and around the same couple of tiny towns for about a hundred years, and was so inbred even after coming to the U.S. that my generation is the first in which no cousins married each other. You think they’d cast me? Or not, ’cause there were no mountains there?

  3. Even I am not so mean as to take a stick after a tiny baby. Especially one still reeling from the defeat of his beloved Vols at the hands of my employer.

    Jane, it’s kind of funny (funny, peculiar, not funny, ha ha) that Hollywood has such a liberal reputation when really, they don’t seem to much know or care about ordinary people.

  4. One of my biggest pet peeves ever is how Hollywood portrays the South and Country Music. I can’t even put into words.

    I’m surprised with how people who live in Nashville who know nothing about Country Music feel the need to holler “yee haw” when they hear a steel guitar.

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