After having perused the internet, I see that no one has bothered to post a pattern for crochetting your own girly bits. I, dear readers, having done it myself once, now share with you how to do it yourselves.
There are a few things it’s helpful to keep in mind. 1. When crocheting in the round, crocheting the same number of stitches round after round will make a tube. 2. In order to make a flat circle, you need to increase. 3. When crocheting a tube, the part of the stitch facing you becomes the interior of the tube.
To do this, you’ll need a skein of yarn (or two, if you want the exterior to look different than the interior), a hook (I used a K), some scissors, the ability to single crochet, increase, decrease, and… and I think that’s it.
Okay, let’s get started. We’ll begin with the vagina and work our way outwards.
Chain three and make a loop (kind of like when you’re starting a granny square). Then, remember that we’re only doing single crochet stitches, and do eight stitches for your first row and join the loop with a slip stitch.
Second row, also eight stitches, and you’ll see that it already wants to pull into a tube. That’s what we want. Keep going!
You’ll have to decide for yourself how long you want your vagina to be. I made this one eight rows, just for the sake of time.
Row 9 (or whatever): Put two stitches in each stitch so that you have 16 when you are done. See how it flairs out? Okay, now you have to start thinking about how a cooter is shaped, kind of like a tear drop. We need to start working on that shape.
Row 10: First stitch, crochet twice into it. Crochet once into the next four stitches. Crochet twice into the next stitch. Crochet once into the next five stitches. Crochet five times into the next stitch (like you’re making an afghan corner). Then crochet once into the last five stitches. Join with a slip stitch.
Row 11: Crochet twice into the first stitch. Crochet once in the next six stitches. Crochet twice in the next stitch. Crochet once in the next seven stitches. Crochet five times in the next stitch. Crochet once into the next seven stitches to bring you back to the beginning. Join.
Row 12: Now, we don’t want this getting too triangle-y, so in this round, single stitch in the next four stitches and then put three crochets in the next stitch. Then singles stitches in the next fourteen stitches. Stitch five in the next stitch. Ten lone crochets in the next ten stitches to bring us back around to the start. Join with a slip stitch.
Row 13: This is the trickiest part of the whole thing. We’re going to make the inner labia, so, instead of crocheting in the round like we’ve been doing, we’re going to turn around and go back in the stitches we just made, BUT, because we’re going to come back this way again, we only want to go in the front part of the loop (which, when we turn around, will be the back part of the loop). Hopefully, the picture makes sense of what I’m telling you to do.
You’re going to make 26 stitches, and end up with something that should bend towards you.
Row 14: Come back 26 stitches. You’re done with the inner labia. Make your next stitch back down on the top of row twelve. Then come around in single stitches to the bottom of the other side of the labia. When you get to the stitch before your last stitch before your inner labia, take a look up and see the edge of that stitch up there. You’re going to probably want to grab it and work it into this stitch.
Okay, here’s another tricky part. Remember how we left half the loop hanging back in the last row? We’re going to crochet into those. So, just fold over your inner labia and catch the rest of that old stitch. We’re going to just single crochet into those and come back around to the other end of the labia, where row 12 started, once upon a time. And, new row!
Row 15: One crochet in each stitch.
Row 16: Same thing.
Row 17: Same thing.
TIME OUT: It’s time to make the clit. (And also time to change colors, which is fortunate, because we’re going to have to cut the pink yarn). Just chain three just like you started, hook them together and tie off. At the top of the inner labia, underneath, you’re going to see a big hole. I feed one string through the hole on one side of that and one string through the hole on the other side and tie them in the back. Use your hook to help.
Row 18: Go around as normal with your new color.
Row 19: Turn around and go the other way (remember, the tube comes towards you and we now want to make the tube cover the back of everything we did).
Row 20: Go around again. You can see the stitches already kind of roll towards you.
Row 21. Stitch five, skip one, repeat.
Row 22: Stitch four, skip one, repeat.
By now, it should be rolling over like it should. You’ll do another ten or fifteen rows without any decrease, until the vagina is covered, then do a row of stitch three, skip one, a row of stitch two, skip one, and then some rows of stitch one, skip one until the whole thing is covered and you’re done, tada.
This one seems a little deeper than the one I made Rachel and I think you could adjust subsequent cooters by having a few more increases in the area below the vaginal opening so that it was wider and therefore shallower. But once you get the idea, I think you can see there’s a ton of variations you could do.
This is fantastic.
A woman in my stitching group sometimes brings and passes around the book Naughty Needles, which has knitted items along the same line. Wouldn’t it be great if you could write (or help write) the same kind of book for crochet?
I would buy it, anyway.
There are times, sweet B, that you honestly deserve a good and proper kiss on the mouth.
This makes me smile.
That’s awesome, B. I’m still waiting for mine to work its way to me, but when it does I’m going to post pics and link to your instructions. Have you seen the condom amulets and nipple project I’ve linked to?
I have! I wonder… I bet you could make a charming condom carrying case out of a crochet cooter.
Is that thing washable? Just curious. For no particular reason.
Like I said, just curious.
Lee, the curious person should take great care to make sure that he or she picks out a comfortable yarn. I think that’s probably more important than whether you can throw it in the washing machine or have to scrub it at the sink.
OMG! When will this appear in “O” or Marth Stewart Living? ;)
The attention to detail and fine use of stitchwork makes this a lovely and educational project. You must submit it to Crochet Today!
this is AWESOME!!!
Are you on Ravelry.com??
If so, you MUST be my friend!!
I’m houseplantgirl on there!!!
Thank you, Aunt B. Must learn to crochet now.
Sadly, my favorite naughty bits crochet website (is it wrong that I have one?) no longer seems to exist. But you could get earmuffs, tissue box covers, change purse and more! It was awesome!
Darling you are a genius!
My grandmother taught me how to crochet tonight. I have a bridesmaid project which requires it. But I’ve always secretly harboured the desire to make crochet ‘cooters’ (love that word!).
So as soon as she went to sleep I went hunting and found this. Recently posted too I see, the goddesses are on my side!
Pingback: The Case of the Disappearing Crocheted Vulva Resolved « Women’s Health News
Hi. This is too cute. I am going ot have to make one to hang on my wall amongst my Marilyn Monroe pictures and my crocheted penises !
I commend you for the pattern, but I dearly wish you had used the correct name for the body part.
We should not be afraid to name our body parts correctly and use them proudly.
Besides, what you have called it is also a variety of soft-shelled turtle. I don’t have a turtle in my pants.. thanks.. LOL.
Overall, a great post except for the naming problem. Carry on.
Lisa, I suppose it’s not obvious from just one post, but actually, I completely agree with you. No one should be uncomfortable calling a vulva a vulva. That’s part of the ongoing joke–that grown women go to such lengths to not call their own body parts by their proper names. If you look around, you’ll also see references to cootorial regions and such, which, of course, is even more ridiculous.
But don’t you see the humor? I mean, who is the person willing to crochet an almost anatomically correct vulva in a way that will, at times, require you to stick your finger in the vagina, who would be uncomfortable with those words? That’s part of my point for using the term–it’s utterly silly for a woman to use cutesy terms for her body parts.
Though, I’m also of the opinion that calling them anything at all is better than feeling ashamed of talking about them.
Those Oh-So Subtle Distinctions
Bookstore | Petoskey, MI, USA
Me: “Hello, ma’am, is there anything I can help you find?”
Customer: “Yes. I need to find a book on rodents.”
Customer: “Yes, I have some little creature running around my garage and I need to know what it is. I think it might be a vulva.”
Customer: “You know, it’s small and looks like a mole or a hamster. A vulva.”
Me: “I think you mean a ‘vole’.”
Customer: “Oh right, that’s it. Do you have any books on voles?”
Admit it B, you’ve been crocheting legs on those and releasing them into the wilds of Michigan.
Oh my god. That site is hilarious.
Could I place an order for the crochet cooter? I’m in the process of creating a feminist drag queen character named Ms. XaXa. It has a very interesting aesthetic.
Hey B, http://electricbiscuitonline.blogspot.com/2005/10/dawn-of-knitted-dead.html
TV, heck yes. Send me an email and we’ll talk size and color, since it seems to me that, depending on the size of your venues, you might need something a little larger than life-sized. And… what will the back look like? Does it need to be something you can get your hand in from the back side, like a puppet…
Oh my god.
Tell me I’m not the only one who thinks a crochetted vulva hand puppet would be the most awesome thing ever.
Anyway, yeah, drop me an email and let’s sort out the particulars.
I just have to say, too, I remember when TV was just a young gay man who’d never even seen a cooter before and I had to make him one from a napkin.
Now he wants a cooter of his very own, to flash around the big city.
I could not be prouder.
I guess I can see the humor.
But I am coming from the point of view of women who have had and are struggling with the treatment for Gynecological cancer.
It’s somewhat difficult to educate people about female body parts when everyone wants to use different names. Or when the correct names are thought to be vulgar and are edited out.
For example: I recently posted a comment on the CBS site regarding the StandUp2Cancer program. Commenting that they did not talk about any gyn cancers. Because I used the words Vagina and Vulva, I got my comment **’d out.
Another cancer survivor I know tried to google vulvar cancer.. and got spammed with porn sites. She’s since learned to set her filters on her search engine, but still…..
I’ve crocheted vulvas, vaginas and a uterus and sent them to a yet 3rd friend in Australia to help her teach women about their bodies.
I just think we need to call things what they are.. I’ve never been an advocate for “cutsie” names.. even before I had cancer. 15 years ago when my daughter was entering kindergarten.. she knew where her Vulva was. Because my husband and I taught her the right terminology without embarrassment from the beginning.
Today (Sept 10) is the International Gynecological Awareness Day. Celebrate it by calling a Vulva a vulva.. teach another woman how to say it without embarrassment.
I just wanna say thank for sharing this – your instructions helped me design my own cooter-ific crochet vulva and I referenced your blog in my project post here.
Pingback: Send AuntB on a progressive cruise to Mexico « Nashville Is Talking
My mother keeps saying I need to make ‘Willy-Warmers’. Expand the size of the tube a bit, and this would be a hilarious one.
I saw one of these as a Ravelry icon; and when i asked the girl what it was (because i wasn’t sure if my eyes were deceiving me or not) she told me it was a vagina and sent me here. It has to be the most clever thing in the world! And the comment about the willy warmers was hilarious. As soon as I saw gypsyhooker’s i thought (out loud to my computer screen at 4AM in the morning): that would make an awesome pocket p***y. hehehe
WOW, a crochet vulva hand puppet would be quite an experience!!!!!!!
This is so fantastically realistic!!! I was expecting something quite different, I used to draw them in coloured pencil a bit more abstractly! Do you think they would make great hat embellishments?
Great stuff, love it
What an awesome pattern! Love it. I have to tell you children’s services thought it strange when my kids (a girl and 2 boys) knew the correct names of all boys parts. The look on the social workers face was hilarious when the kids went up to her ans said “Here is my eyes, nose, mouth, my vagina/penis, leg, knee.” It was hilarious when her eyes widened. She asked me about it wehn the kids went to go play and I said well its just like any other body part.
I wonder what her look would have been if the kids had said anus as well.
I’m knitting/crocheting reproductive parts that people can purchase to send to their favorite congressman, proceeds are going to charity. May I use your pattern if I give credit? Thanks for your consideration!
Sure! Once you do it a couple of times, you’ll probably have some great ideas for how to make them even better.
Pingback: A cooter crochet pattern | The Vajayjay Conspiracy
I wish this were written out correctly, or made into a downloadable file. But I love it!
LoL, this pattern works up alright but when I do it, the tube is too small and the whole snatch ends up being too big lol. It’s good practice and gives me my own ideas on how I want it though.