Is Erica Jong on Drugs?!

Sincerely, America.  I had to get up out of my sick bed and come here to ask you “Is Bill Maher writing Erica Jong’s columns for her while she is in a coma or something?”

If this had been in The Onion verbatim I would have laughed until I cried.

First, let’s just overlook the ridiculousness of Erica Jong now arguing that everyone should just get along and work together.  No, what I’d like you to turn your attention to is the metaphor Jong employs to describe Clinton and Obama:

We have two great candidates–one a hard working, never give up eager beaver, and one an inspiring, heart-leapingly brilliant stallion. Both have their merits.

No, I shit you not.  She goes on:

We need beavers and we need stallions. Beavers get the work done. Stallions inspire us. And they both have limitations. Stallions have fragile legs (think Barbaro). And beavers are nothing without their teeth.

Yes, I swear, she says “And beavers are nothing without their teeth.” Poor Clinton.  Seriously, it’s bad enough when her detractors try to frame her as a castrating bitch, now her supporters are arguing that her greatest selling point, aside from her hard work, is that she’s a “beaver” with teeth?

As Sarge says in the old Beetle Bailey cartoon, when he’s hanging off a cliff, and that dimwitted guy wants to talk about his feelings, “Send different help!”

As for comparing Obama to a stallion, America, I hope I don’t have to point out to you how problematic that is.

Okay, and see, that’s the other thing about Jong’s post that pisses me off–in the hands of an astute comedian, comparing Clinton to a beaver and Obama to a stallion could be hilarious and biting political satire.  You have, right there, perfectly embodied, the two anxieties white men supposedly have about women and black men: women, when given power, will bite your dicks off with our teeth-lined vaginas and black men, with their insatiable sexual appetites and their being hung like horses will steal all the women from you, if given an even shot.  What then, is the lesser of two “evils”?

But no, instead, Jong tries to just use them as almost bland metaphors–as if she’s blind to the very sexual anxiety the images invoke–Clinton is just a busy hard-worker.  Obama’s just beautiful and natural and inspiring.  It’s like watching someone using a broadsword as a flyswatter.  It’s not very effective and it’s no wonder she keeps doing more harm than good.