In honor of not getting the house, I will tell you the story of the Sigma Chi rock, and then the SuperGenius will come along and tell you the truth.
No, I think I remember it right.
But see, here’s the deal. We hated the Sigma Chi guys–with some exceptions, but in general–because on our campus, they were just like giant roaming cocks, in every sense of the word. They just were giant smug assholes. And, at a time when everyone else on campus was living in kind of small crappy rooms (even the other Greek houses weren’t that great), they built themselves this giant fortress on prime real estate as if to further announce that none of the rest of us were ever getting into that house unless they were going to carry us back there to gang rape us.
And they put a rock out front, like a tiny boulder, with “ΣΧ” carved in it, as if to announce to the world their everlasting presense.
Well, the SuperGenius and I were in town that summer. She was house-sitting for one of our professors and I was living with the soccer team and the Libertarian in a crappy house behind a bar. And we would, as Midwesterners do, get drunk and wander the streets of the city–the SuperGenius and I. The Libertarian spent his days smoking pot and playing Civilization II.
And we made it our mission to defile that rock. We would walk by and kick it, throw things at it, roll our eyes at it. Whatever. We even stuck a stick of margerine on it hoping that it would melt and ants would come and infest the rock. Which ended up not happening, but instead, led to an unfortunate rock-discoloration.
And, one night, while the SuperGenius watched to make sure no cars were coming, I walked right over to that rock, dropped trou, squatted, and… Well, I was young. And immature.
But every once in a while, when I’m back visiting the College Professor, I’ll drive by that rock and snicker to myself.
I hope they don’t make pledges lick that rock or anything…
Okay, yes, I kind of do.
Tiny Cat Pants 
I might have been kind of an asshole in college, I should just say.
Which probably makes me kind of an asshole still.
I just feel like I should get that out there.
Really, that is pretty much it. Annoyance and petty vandalism.
Except the funny part, which is that I believe this happened the night we thought, “Night Train would make a nice dinner wine to go with those stuffed pasta shells!” Which was followed by the brilliant idea to watch Natural Born Killers, which is frightening when consuming large quantities of fortified wine, which led to the decision to go for a walk…and there you have it.
And except for the not funny part, which would be that, without sharing things that are not mine to share, there were some reasons beyond general jerkiness that we didn’t like seeing that rock as a pristine symbol.
In closing, I would like to state that a.) there are many other stories of abuse to that rock and b.) it is only some fourteen years later that I have realized my plan to yell, “Stop peeing! Stop peeing!” is really just about as conspicuous as abusing a lawn ornament in the first place.
Also, wasn’t the Butcher or the Recalcitrant Brother in town for a church youth group conference that weekend? I think that just adds ambiance of Midwestern debauchery.
You know they make stuff that is used to break up concrete. You pour it in holes or depressions in the concrete and over a few hours the stuff expands and cracks the rock, uh concrete.
strikes me that if somebody were to go around some dark night and, not steal the rock, but turn it around in place so the lettering was suddenly downward… why, that’d be almost an MIT-level hack.
bonus points for leaving no marks on the surrounding landscaping whatsoever. making no notable amounts of noise will be assumed as the baseline, of course.
My favorite brand of non-explosive, soundless chemical demolition agents is Crackamite.
The Libertarian spent his days smoking pot and playing Civilization II.
More commonly known as Libertarian Nirvana.
The Libertarian spent his days smoking pot and playing Civilization II.
More commonly known as Libertarian Nirvana.
Yes. Yes it is.
>> The Libertarian spent his days smoking pot and playing Civilization II.
> More commonly known as Libertarian Nirvana.
Actually that sounds like Libertarian Hell. Shouldn’t a good Libertarian turn on Civ II, and leave it alone, trusting that every individual will make the best decisions for themselves without his or her interference?
Awesome! I’d had the guts to perform a little civil disobedience against the Greek establishment in college.