The Butcher Fails to Find a Mother for His Children

The Butcher has a beautiful, if slightly crazy, friend who we all love.  Probably most of you are familiar with her grandmother, though that’s neither here nor there.

She’s talking about having a baby, just because her last name is so cool.  And I was all like “Shoot, you should have a baby with the Butcher!”

And she was like “Have you seen your brother?  I’m not having a hairy baby.  How gross.”

And I was like “It’s an added layer of protection in the winter.”

And she was all “My people don’t do winter.”

“Um, Detroit?”

“That’s just temporary.”

“Temporary?”

“You know, we have the oldest civilizations on earth.  What’s a hundred years or two to us?” Then she said, “Do you think I can trust our waiter to bring me water from the tap?”

And I replied, “Four hundred years of history between the likes of you and him and you’re asking me if you can trust him?”

The Butcher’s all “Her mom’s white, so it’s really like only 200 years.”

“Don’t take her side if she’s not willing to have your hairy babies.”

“Well, I am going bald, and I’m not even thirty, so chances are I won’t be hairy for most of my life.”

“And my mom’s half Puerto Rican, so, it’s really more like 300 years.”

“My point exactly.  Have the Butcher’s baby.”

“I’m trying to eat.  Don’t be talking about hairy babies while I’m trying to eat.”

“I don’t think the men in our family get that distinctive butt hair until puberty.”

“Your brothers have butt hair?  Your dad doesn’t look hairy.”

“Well, see, then, maybe it skips a generation.”

My dad: “But you should have seen my grandpa Harry Robinson.”

The Butcher’s Friend: “Was he hairy?  Ha, ha, ha.  You are descended from sasquatches.  If I had the Butcher’s baby, I’d have to name it Sasquatch McQueen.”

“You wouldn’t give it our last name?”

“Come on.  Sasquatch [Our Last Name] just sounds stupid.”

My dad: “…was so hairy he had to shave twice a day and then there was Uncle B. who was so hairy…”

Me: “I’m trying to get you some more grandkids here.”

I Ask You

Is there anything sweeter than a six year old saying “Aunt Betsy!  Aunt Betsy!  Do you know this song? ‘I see trees of green, red roses, too.  I see them bloom for me and you.'”

If so, I can’t guess what it is.

Speaking of Floods

I know I’ve told you this before, how the Mennonites and the Amish helped rebuild after the ’93 flood, but it still surprised me to see that, if you’re not comfortable with giving to the Red Cross, you can give to the Mennonites.

Hey, Newt, We Lost a City. Remember?

Two words.

New Orleans.

Talking “‘”We need to get ahead of the curve before we actually lose a city, which I think could happen in the next decade,’ said Gingrich, a Republican who helped engineer the GOP’s takeover of Congress in 1994.” like losing a city to terrorism should be some unthinkable frightening event that causes us all to just hand over our Constitutional rights in fear.

Hello?

Is it me or do you sometimes feel like there is no shame among some people?

I mean, here’s one of the faces of the Republican party talking about how horrible it would be to lose a city, when the Republicans presided over us losing a city and they all sat around and hemmed and hawed over who should ultimately take the blame.

I mean, what’s the threat?  We already lost a city.  It already sucked so hard most of us about couldn’t stand it.  And the Republican administration knew the storm was coming, knew the waters were in the streets.  And they had the power right then to do something about it and instead played “Who can we screw over with this?”

And Newt Gingrich wants me to feel like I have to give the Feds more power to stop the destruction of a city?

Puh-lease.

They could have done some shit at any point along the way to ease suffering in New Orleans and instead chose not to in order to score political points.  So, what makes me think that if a city were on the verge of being destroyed some other way, they’d be any more willing to act?

Do they seriously not get that when it comes to talking about the destruction of a city, that we NOW HAVE A POINT OF REFERENCE, and using that point of reference, the Feds come out looking like the biggest bunch of evil jackasses to ever roam our countryside?

You’d think there wouldn’t be a Republican alive who wanted to inadvertently remind folks of what happens when a city is threatened when Republicans have their way.

What Happened to Today?

I was so upbeat this morning and then about 9:30, I just felt like someone completely zapped my energy, like I hadn’t slept a wink all night.  Can a cold front make you tired?

Am I cursed?

Oh, did I tell y’all about my peppers?  First off, I’m growing cayenne, not jalapenos.  But that’s just stupidity on my part.  No, the funny thing is that, for whatever reason, my bell pepper plant is grown miniature bell peppers, fully formed, but the size of like a superball.

What do you make of that, gardeners?

Have I invented bonzai peppers?

Sex Industry Shrugs and Says “Duh.”

So, it turns out that the medical world has discovered recently that the clitoris is huge.  A huge triangle of pulsating, vibrating, pleasure-giving, becoming-engorged-iating nerves and tissue just twsting and turning and dancing around constantly in our lacey underthings.

Irigaray already is mostly remembered for suggesting that we run around at all times just unable to keep from touching ourselves:

A women “touches herself” constantly without anyone being able to forbid her do so, for her sex is composed of two lips which embrace continually. Thus, with herself she is already two – but not divisible into ones – which stimulate each other.

Of course, most folks read Irigaray and nod thoughtfully, but the vast majority of us have, I believe little idea what she’s talking about, except–and no offense to the Professor–that it sounds like it might be more fun than most philosophy.

And people who make sex toys have long made sex toys for women designed to stimulate more than just one tiny protrusion.

And women ourselves have, for as long as we’ve had bodies, known they bring us pleasure in many, many different ways.

But now that science has discovered it, it must be true!

———-

You know, it occurs to me that what would make this post more interesting is if some post-colonial theorist could come by and theorize about the parallels between say “discovering” a continent on which people already live and “discovering” a part of the body most people in the world have.

But, I am not a post-colonialist, so I don’t get much father than saying “Hmm.  That’s an interesting parallel.  I wonder if it means anything.”

Are there even still post-colonialists or are we now onto post-post colonialists?

I’m unsure.

But, we’ve talked about clitorises, name-checked a French Feminist philosopher, poked fun at the very scholars we need to help us make sense of something, and given props to the sex toy industry.

All in all, a successful post, I think.

All thanks to Andrew Sullivan.