I have cleared my calendar and ducked all my evening commitments and am going home to do nothing, glorious nothing. I’m going to sit on the couch and watch movies and sleep. Sleep. Sleep, sleep, sleep. Or get as close to their bedroom wall as I can and make really weird noises for the benefit of my neighbors. I haven’t decided which.
Because, if so, they Gore allies won’t let me take my dog to the dog park, which clearly proves that Al Gore has a personal vendetta against me. Or something.
Anyway, folks want to fly a hot air balloon over Gore’s house. As I told Lee, what they fail to appreciate is that the rest of the old-money folks in Belle Meade sure as hell don’t want something as unseemly as a hot air balloon hovering just over their houses while all kinds of common riff raff float above them in the basket.
Otherwise, I’m sure they could have just moved their little soirée to the front lawn of one of the Frist houses. But funny how that invitation was not extended, isn’t it? Are the Frists in cahoots with the Gores?
Ha, do you all remember when the Belle Meade folks tried to make it illegal for anyone who didn’t live in Belle Meade to drive down Belle Meade Boulevard and how their own police had to point out to them that, under the proposed law, the police would be unable to enforce the law, because none of them lived in town and wouldn’t be able to legally patrol the Boulevard?
Let’s say you are the kind of person who shares a wall with another person, like, me. If your dwelling shares a wall with my dwelling and, if you want to have sex in your dwelling at 8 in the morning, which, you know, is your right, could we have an understanding that you don’t make noises that sound like you’re laying on the floor in a pool of your own blood? Or, if you’re going to make those noises, could you throw in a well-placed “Yes, god, yes,” so that I can say “Oh, god, what’s that horrid noise? Oh, oops. Tee hee.” and get on with my day without having to decide if I should wake the Butcher to break into your house to save you?
Also, if you are moaning because you’ve been horribly stabbed and are just there on the floor in a pool of your own blood, slowly dying, I apologize ahead of time for deciding that you were having sex and not calling for help.
My friends, yes, sometimes it can be hard to differentiate between metal and hard rock, especially if you’re not very familiar with either genre.
But I bring you the guideline that will help you make the call, and I guarantee that this guideline will serve you well 95% of the time.
Say one of the more conservative Christian churches in your town decides to throw a record burning or a CD smashing…
You know, I wonder, what do folks do now? An MP3 erasing just can’t be that exciting or dramatic. There’s no fire, no sledgehammers. Hmm.
Say a Preacher is throwing a record burning or CD smashing. If, when he holds up an album by that group, you and your friends would have laughed and laughed and laughed that anyone could have thought that music was Satanic, it’s probably hard rock. If you would have shrugged and said “Well, yeah, maybe I can see that. Okay, but it’s still stupid to destroy the record.” you probably have some heavy metal.
Try it out.
You’ll see it’s true.
No, no need to heap praise upon me for my genius. Being right is all the thanks I need.
Edited to Add: Oh, holy Sweet Jesus! I just looked at Yahoo dude’s list more closely and he seems to think… No, let me quote him.
20) Thin Lizzy: You’ll see that I’m partial to bands who can write songs. Play as many notes as you like. Scream your lungs out. Tell me the world isn’t fair. Hail Satan, if you must. Tell me more about how you’re going to “rock me.” Or tell me all about the people in a faraway galaxy who will one day communicate through the electric guitar. But I’ll still take someone who can write: “Jailbreak,” “Cold Sweat,” “Whiskey In The Jar” and “The Boys Are Back In Town.” [emphasis mine]
Isn’t this the same Whiskey in the Jar that Metallica covered? The same Whiskey in the Jar-o that every Irish band in America can play by heart? How is that not a firing offense–being a music critic who doesn’t know that Thin Lizzy didn’t write that song? And who claims to be partial to bands who can write songs?