I have a new theory about pants. I know many of you are unaware that I had an old theory about pants, but I did, hearkening back to when I was a wee girl, and that was that pants were awesome and it was unfair that I was made to wear sundresses that matched my mom when the boys got to wear jeans, glorious jeans. A lack of pants became to my young proto-feminist mind, a symbol of patriarchal oppression.
My new theory is that pants were a dreadful misstep by the patriarchy. Who wouldn’t, if not cowed by tradition, want to wear skirts? When it’s warm, you get a nice breeze where you need it and when it’s cold, you can layer underwear under them in ridiculous amounts in ways you just can’t with pants.
No, I think men thought “Ah, pants, that will prove we’re the ones who can ride horses! That proves we rule! Hurray. Let’s start the patriarchy, now that we have pants.” and then, when they realized how hot and uncomfortable it was to sit around in pants in the summer, they were forced to invent the bathrobe, but they could never give up pants because they’d spent so long trying to invent a piece of clothing that would differentiate them from women in some unmistakable fashion and, for some reason, “We’re the ones who can wear this gourd around” did not catch on in places that get snow.
Anyway, it’s general knowledge that pants suck. I mean, they don’t suck as bad as, say, getting bit by your own cat, but they suck. And it’s not like men, in the thralls of the patriarchy, can just say “Ooops, we were wrong. Hand over the summer cotton smock.” No, instead, they have to try to make pants seem so awesome and cool and like wearning pants will finally mean equality and justice for everyone.
And then, once every woman in the world finally embraces pants, men will suddenly say “Ha ha, we’re the ones who wear skirts and dresses! Balls dangling freely in the breeze!” and we’ll spend another five hundred years trying to get back to the point where we can wear skirts.