In Fact, I Don’t Have Any On, Right Now!

I have a new theory about pants.  I know many of you are unaware that I had an old theory about pants, but I did, hearkening back to when I was a wee girl, and that was that pants were awesome and it was unfair that I was made to wear sundresses that matched my mom when the boys got to wear jeans, glorious jeans.  A lack of pants became to my young proto-feminist mind, a symbol of patriarchal oppression.

My new theory is that pants were a dreadful misstep by the patriarchy. Who wouldn’t, if not cowed by tradition, want to wear skirts?  When it’s warm, you get a nice breeze where you need it and when it’s cold, you can layer underwear under them in ridiculous amounts in ways you just can’t with pants.

No, I think men thought “Ah, pants, that will prove we’re the ones who can ride horses!  That proves we rule!  Hurray.  Let’s start the patriarchy, now that we have pants.” and then, when they realized how hot and uncomfortable it was to sit around in pants in the summer, they were forced to invent the bathrobe, but they could never give up pants because they’d spent so long trying to invent a piece of clothing that would differentiate them from women in some unmistakable fashion and, for some reason, “We’re the ones who can wear this gourd around” did not catch on in places that get snow.

Anyway, it’s general knowledge that pants suck.  I mean, they don’t suck as bad as, say, getting bit by your own cat, but they suck.  And it’s not like men, in the thralls of the patriarchy, can just say “Ooops, we were wrong.  Hand over the summer cotton smock.”  No, instead, they have to try to make pants seem so awesome and cool and like wearning pants will finally mean equality and justice for everyone.

And then, once every woman in the world finally embraces pants, men will suddenly say “Ha ha, we’re the ones who wear skirts and dresses!  Balls dangling freely in the breeze!” and we’ll spend another five hundred years trying to get back to the point where we can wear skirts.

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14 thoughts on “In Fact, I Don’t Have Any On, Right Now!

  1. Patrick Norton, back when there was Tech TV and Norton co-hosted “The Screen Savers,” favored, and tried for a while to promote, this garment that was sort of a cross between a kilt and cargo pants. I guess I’m still trapped in the thralls of the patriarchy, because it creeped me out a little bit, especially because Patrick (of all the TechTV crowd) had the most regular-guy, frat-boy vibe.

  2. I’ve seen that! I think it’s pretty hot but that’s just me.

    In other news, one thing I’m going to miss about living here is that I can stroll out my front door at eleven at night not wearing pants and no one notices.

  3. Pants are overrated. I have been thinking that I want to wear a kilt and put it up over at Twitter quite a bit.
    No one can truly understand it has to do with that I want to freebag it like the boys do.

    Heh.

  4. I saw Utilikilt had a stand up at Capital Pride a few years ago. I’m not convinced yet, but at least they’re being smart about it. Pretty much all male fashion trends start in the gay male community.

  5. I stroll out my front door not wearing pants all the time and no one notices. Must be those ankle length skirts I keep wearing.

    I like to tease guys they don’t know what they’re missing. Most of them wistfully agree. In the meantime I go on swapping gossip with women wearing hijab who stop me on the street to ask where the best places are to get long skirts.

  6. The problem though, is that most guys just don’t really care about decorum too much, and sitting ‘ladylike,’ for lack of a better word, would be extremely difficult to master.

    Do you really want to walk around in society fearing that you’re going to get a nice view of brain matter anytime you happen to glance at a man sitting down.

    Think about it… wrinkly old man balls, dangling all over the place, gray hairs sticking out everywhere.

  7. I think kilts may have started independent of the gay, male community, unless all those highlanders were gay.

    Scotland! Where the men are men, and the sheep are nervous.

  8. I think kilts may have started independent of the gay, male community, unless all those highlanders were gay.

    Of course, but whether they come in style in the rest of the western world, that will depend on whether gay men pick them up…

  9. Of course, but whether they come in style in the rest of the western world, that will depend on whether gay men pick them up…

    Though I can’t say that you guys are batting 1.000. I mean, I’m pretty sure the gay community is responsible for the resurgance of the popped collar, and that is just wrong. ;)

  10. Pants are overrated. I go without at home, but have discovered the rest of the world prefers you don’t go pantsless all the time in public. Bastards!

  11. “sitting ‘ladylike,’ for lack of a better word, would be extremely difficult to master.”

    You don’t have to; that’s what the pleats in the kilts are for. Or why in some cultures men wear very long skirts.

  12. > Pretty much all male fashion trends start in the gay male community.

    Oh crap! Does that mean that “business casual” for men next year will mean silver-tinsel wigs, bare chests, and hot pants? Please, somebody, say it isn’t so.

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