One of the Weirder Things that Happened to Me This Weekend

So, I ended up in a pitch-black bathroom with two women–one a total stranger and the other I had met only once before.  The total stranger removes her bathing suit top, takes a flashlight, puts it on the underside of her breast, turns said flashlight on and…

And, frankly, America, it was the coolest thing I saw all weekend and I had a weekend full of Kleinheider AND DB leading everyone in a rousing rendition of “Deep and Wide” with the fountain and the flowing.

Her whole boob lit up like a paper lantern and glowed this soft warm red glow, interrupted only by the occasional vein winding its way across like rivers on an ancient map.

If I were a stripper at the Claremont, and if I had fake tits, it would be impossible for me to resist incorporating that little bit of knowledge into my act.  I would have them put on Also sprach Zarathustra and it would be pitch black and it would go like this

Bum (I light up one boob and then turn it off)

Bum (I light up the other boob and then turn it off)

Bum (I light them both up)

Bada (The lights come on and I swing my boobs rhythmically to the tympani in the background).

Lights off and repeat.

Once again.

And the lights come up and I have sparklers and people throw dollars at me!

So, really, it’d be a lot like what happens when I blog, except with an audience.  Which, really, would be tons better, because I have a hard time getting the sparklers lit and not catching the dollar bills on fire when I have to do that all myself.

33 thoughts on “One of the Weirder Things that Happened to Me This Weekend

  1. why would you need fake tits to do this?

    One of these days, I make sure you stay at a party past 10pm, not be the driver, have a few flashlights handy, and expect to see this show.

  2. I cry foul! I could have never put up a blog post like this. I’d get blasted from here to Johnson City for being a lecherous creep.

    No fair.

  3. I’m not sure natural boobs will glow like that.

    Autoegocrat, who’s going to stop you from posting your ideas for what your strip club routine would look like. If a man wants to take his clothes off in the privacy of his own strip club, that should be allowed.

  4. I’m just going to delurk here to say Aunt B. you forgot mom and apple pie.

    And also, you are accruing powers I did not know you had. Since you have them, though, I’d like to ask a favor. Using the awesome power of Political Correctness, I’d like you to travel back in time, to the set of “The Long Hot Summer,” and kidnap Paul Newman for me. Then I would like you to transform him into his character, the itinerant Ben Quick, and force him to live in my house, perpetually shirtless. He doesn’t have to do a thing, as long as I can look at him “in that way.” Which I will be able to do, leaving my New England Puritanism behind, because you have commanded me to, as a Feminist and a wielder of Political Correctness.

    And now you know my private sexual fantasy. One of them.

  5. Almostphaedre, since you were willing to delurk in order to make that request, I, of course, got right on it. I am sad to report that I, being new to the use of my incredible powers of Political Correctness, made a slight miscalculation and ended up with Isaac Newton instead of Paul Newman.

    The bad news is–well, worse news–is that this isn’t shirtless 1660s Newton wanting to wander around your house as your brainy eye-candy. This is shirtless 1710s Newton and I can’t tell if he thinks he’s sexy or if that’s just how a person with mercury poisoning behaves.

    In any case, you might check before opening your door today.

  6. By the way, just as an experiment, I tried to see what effect a flashlight has on the male member in a totally pitch dark room when it is, ahem, angry. Can’t see shit.

  7. Oh, B.
    I think before the lights come up and the sparklers are lit and the dollars are flying, you should shine a spotlight down on your boob freckle to give it the glorious moment that it deserves.

  8. I’m embarrassed that I didn’t think of that myself. Far more people would come to see the boob freckle than to see all of me naked.

  9. tanglethis, as a lapsed Catholic I might have, at some later date, been allowed back into the fold, but no more, no more, as I did as you commanded. I am now in eternal limbo, if not outright cast into the Lake of Fire.

    Aunt B., I have some yard work needs doing should Sir Newton make an appearance. If he’s not capable, I’ll sit him under a tree in our backyard that has a limb ready to come down. It’s a might heavier than an apple; should do the trick. I hope.

    But until you have mastered the Dark Powers, don’t send anyone else my way. I don’t want a Mickey-and-His-Out-of-Control-Brooms situation up here.

  10. This sounds just like an Annie Sprinkle routine. I’m surprised she hasn’t tried it yet. Interesting.

  11. I couldn’t find a flashlight last night, but I remain convinced that you cannot do this without breast implants. And I don’t think Sprinkle has them.

  12. BEST BLOG EVER!

    seriously… I even read all of the comments…

    It’s nice to take a break from the seriousness of the world on occasion. Thanks to pants for the great topic.

  13. Damn, what a concept. My bigger flashlights are out of batteries, so I tried it with a penlight, and still got an interesting glow. Now I want to try it with one of those LED flashlights. I’m sure it wasn’t the same effect as B saw with the implants version, but for the natural-boobed among us, it’s still worth checking out.

  14. B, yeah, and it was really cool-looking even with the little penlight. I have got to try it with a brighter one.

  15. The Midstate is going to be lit tonight by softly glowing boobs as we all rush home and practice this new trick.

    What a peaceful thought.

    Booblight Sonata.

    (I’m doing it, too.)

  16. I have to figure out how both to make this happen and get a picture of it. The guy I usually have take gratuitous pictures of my boobs went and got married. I wonder if Chris Wage has a flashlight.

  17. Boob-light Sonata! What a lovely concept! I even have 2 penlights so I can do both at once.

  18. I’m so trying this. Not the stripper routine, ’cause we’re out of sparklers, just the illumination bit because I’m curious in an “academic” kind of way.

  19. Wow, that beats the hell out of drinking glow-stick gel to make your pee glow.

    (Goes downstairs to look for the big camping flashlight…)

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